Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back- Disney Dad just can't stay away
Surprisingly, Catherine of Aragon (BM), seems to finally be fed up with SD11. She texted FDH yesterday morning saying “I’ve had enough. I told her I want her back in school in two weeks. From now on, she only gets two hours of computer time a day. You in?” I had to laugh at this because I’ve been saying that her excessive computer use / addiction is really the source of the problems. This anxiety BS is just her way of making people feel sorry for her and letting her stay home on the computer 24/7. Anyway, I was thrilled to hear this as BM is finally getting it. (Personally, I think she’s finally doing something because she wants to move in with her BF soon and it sounds like he’s onto this as well and isn’t going to put up with it).
Remainder in the comments....
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Of course, what does she do?
Of course, what does she do? The first day of implementation was yesterday and of course, we had the kids last night. Lazy woman can’t even start it on a day where SHE will have to take away the computer. Oh well.
So the kids showed up last night and SD11 was actually in a decent mood. She had an iPod stuck to her head, but better than a face in a laptop. FDH was cooking dinner and I watched SD11 walk over to the family computer to plug in her iPod and sit down at the computer chair. I told FDH to keep an eye on this as it was only a matter of minutes before she would be browsing online. I was really proud of him that he listened to me and peeked in on her a couple times. And guess what? He busted her playing on the computer, of course! He confronted her and she pretended she didn’t hear him (usual tactic). He got loud and said “DO YOU HEAR ME? GET OFF THE COMPUTER NOOOOOOOW!”. Of course the whining came… “Whyyyyyyyyy?”. “Because your mother informed me that you are only allowed two hours of computer time a day and you’ve already used your time. Get off it now!” She did it without another word.
He walked back in the kitchen and said to me “Unbelievable. Sneaky little thing”. I was impressed with how he handled her and didn’t let her slide, start bargaining with her, speaking to her like she’s a china doll, etc… He parented! Yay!
A few minutes later, the now bored SD11 comes in the kitchen. FDH and I were in the middle of a conversation. She interrupts to ask what time we would be eating. For the first time ever, he called her out on it. He just looked annoyed, put his hand up to her and said strongly “Excuse me” and then continued our conversation until it was done. She stood there dumbfounded. He then answered her questions. I was in utter shock—the good kind for once. Way to go FDH! Take control of this nonsense! I swear, I wanted to jump his bones right then and there.
During dinner, it comes up that SD11 has never seen the movie Jurassic Park. So immediately after dinner, FDH starts looking to see if it’s on one of the movie channels, Netflix streaming, etc… And before you knew it, everyone was settling in to watch it. Now, in recent months with my disengagement, I would’ve left them there and gone into my office or bedroom. But I was interested in seeing again and I really am trying to hold up my end of the new bargain and spend time with them when they’re here. (This came out in counseling and we’re working on the issues). FDH was happier than a pig in shit, watching the movie with his kids and me there. It was nice to see him happy.
About 30 minutes into the movie, it suddenly hit me. In all the good vibes and happiness around FDH’s sudden parenting, I failed to notice what time it was. The movie started at 9 and SD11’s bedtime is supposed to be strictly 10PM but he’s always finding a way around it, to forget about it, etc… And here we are watching a movie that will not end until 11! I didn’t say a word but I was irked.
Then I really thought about it. Not only did he blatantly ignore her bedtime, he was feeling sorry for her losing her free access to the computer and slipped right on back into Disney Dad mode and THAT is why he rushed to find the movie for her to watch. He couldn’t bear the thought of her not being personally entertained for even an hour.
And of course, it was close to 11:30 by the time she hit the hay because she draws that process out and he allows it.
I still haven’t said anything about it and don’t know if I should. We’ve had major discussions about this sort of thing and it drives me absolutely insane that this stupid bedtime issue is still going on. He is constantly finding a way to disregard this agreement that is not only best for our household but what is right for his daughter. Here we are supposedly setting boundaries for her and working together with BM (suddenly) to get her back on track and ready for school in two weeks, yet he blows it the first night. Yes, I am proud of the way he handled her earlier, but this pretty much negated it as it sends the message “Oh poor SD11, you can’t be on the computer freely now so we are going to let you stay up late watching movies”.
What would you do?
^^^^^^^^ I'm in agreement
^^^^^^^^ I'm in agreement with this. ^^^^^^^^^^^ Stroke the ego.
I won't see her today so that
I won't see her today so that specific tactic won't work. (He left at 730 AM with them and I sleep through those early morning routines).
But I think you're right about buttering him up. I think what I may do is tell him tonight what a good job he did with her and how I enjoyed hanging out with them last night and leave it at that. Chances are, next time she's here, he will try the same thing again. Now that I am onto it, I will likely end up saying "That's a great idea to watch a movie but there is only one hour left before bedtime so I think we'll have to wait until this weekend" and let him deal with it. He won't be able to look me in the face in front of the kids and say "I am planning to ignore bedtime tonight". He'll correct himself, I'm rather certain.
Also, I just decided to start recording actual bedtimes in Excel. If this situation continues, whcih I am afraid it will, I will whip out my new pie chart that shows the percentage of time she went to bed on time. He's going to have a very hard time arguing that he's "really trying to be solid abotu bedtime" when he's looking at a freaking chart or graph that says otherwise. And I am not kidding.
I did need you! You got me
I did need you! You got me out of the mindframe of thinking he needed to hear how he screwed up. I was torn because I was proud of him on one hand and miffed that this bedtime issue doesn't end. You leaned me towards positive reinforcement of the behavior I want to see more of.
Thanks!
I had to do the "doggy praise
I had to do the "doggy praise technique" with DH at first too, when he was trying to implement and enforce rules and discipline. "That's awesome how you told SD14 that she had 15 minutes left until lights out and did not allow her to argue with you" and then do the gentle reminder of "well, that's a great idea, but SD needs her rest for the big exam at school tomorrow, so why don't we wait to do that until the weekend" - he ate it up!
"Also, I just decided to
"Also, I just decided to start recording actual bedtimes in Excel. If this situation continues, whcih I am afraid it will, I will whip out my new pie chart that shows the percentage of time she went to bed on time."
I would not do this if I were you. It seems incredibly petty. I know if my husband did that to me, we would have a way bigger problem than just kid problems.
I agree with mentioning that there is only an hour left to bedtime when you are actually in the moment of him suggesting a movie that will go past your agreed bedtime. I am a big supporter of bedtimes.
I am hoping that I won't have
I am hoping that I won't have to show it to him ever. If he keeps improving then it's a non-issue.
I can see why you perceive it as petty. But I actually don't think he'd be mad about it if I frame it in the right way. "Sweetheart, we agreed that it's best for SD11 to have consistency and enough rest to get on track and perform in school again. I decided that it was best to see how that's going. You and I both like to see trends and numbers in business and this is no different. I learned this method when I was getting my degree in Behavioral Psychology. Take a look at this."
No offense, but degree or no,
No offense, but degree or no, its a bad idea to do charts when it comes to someone else's kid. Maybe if it was a child you shared and you both had the same investment in that child, it would fly.
I know as a mother, I certainly wouldn't appreciate my husband doing any kind of chart when it comes to my children. He should be man enough to discuss it with me. As a stepmother, I know the difference between what I feel for my own children and my feelings for my husband's children. I believe we tend to be harder on the stepchildren than we would be on our own children. I know I do. I just don't have as much patience with them, and I certainly don't love them. I like them, but I would never love them the same as my own.
I actually did something like
I actually did something like this. On the fridge we have a calendar. SS's bedtime is supposed to be 9:00. I started noting times SS actually goes into bed.
Monday 9:25
Tuesday 9:15
Wednesday 9:05
Thursday 9:35
When DW asked me about them I told her that these were the actual times SS was going to bed. I did it because DW thought I was exagerating when I told her that SS NEVER goes to bed on time. I am not sure if me marking down the actual times caused DW to step up and be more strict about bedtimes, but the fact that SS has trouble waking up in the mornings was getting to be a problem and was definetly a big factor in DW keeping better tabs on SS.
Ok I think the pie chart is
Ok I think the pie chart is HILARIOUS, will you be presenting it on a projector with a long pointer stick? It is totally the kind of crazy I would engage in and hey you could extend it to so many other household matters.
I think you're taking the right approach, he made progress, bide your time and tackle the bedtime issue next time. BTW YSD did exactly the same thing re ignoring rules on computer time, avoiding bedtime with late starting movies, dragging it out after the movie so as to make it quite clear that she was way too grown up for such rules. If I were DH I'd be tracking what she's doing online, chances are her 'anxiety disorder' is being fed by too much time on teen social networks where attention seeking Tweens and teens flock to copy and display dysfunctional behaviour.
I am thinking perhaps I will
I am thinking perhaps I will make it true to business and schedule a Webinar for me to present to him, office to office. I'll share my PowerPoint presentation over the internet and mayb eeven having polling questions.
Our therapist told him he needs to check her internet history and he said he does. I have NEVER seen him do this. He thinks "oh, she's on harmless anime sites". Um no, she's chatting online with older teens and young adults who dress up like japanese cartoons for fun. Totally well-adjusted crowd, it seems. Sigh.
I think this outlines a big
I think this outlines a big part of the issue with a blended family. If SD was both of your child, once you realized the bedtime issue, you would have just stated that you'd stop watching the movie at 15 till and finish tomorrow since it was bedtime. But, since it's a sticky skid sitch, then you want DH to do it.
Makes sense. You want HIM to be the one to think of it and enforce it. And you don't always want to be the bad guy. With your own kids, you could care less if you're the bad guy - at least I don't!
Agreed
Agreed
You are right. We discussed
You are right. We discussed this in counseling. He wants me to be more direct with the kids instead of telling him things. But we all know that puts me in the Bad Guy role. The therapist and I both explained to him that eventually we can get there but right now, he has to show the kids that HE is the parent and these rules/boundaries are coming from the unit, not the evil step momma. He's getting that now. Slowwwwwwwwly.
The other issue that presents itself here that is unique to blended families is visitation schedules. The kids were here last night and wont be back until next Thursday night. (Our weekend, YAY!). So, we couldn't really stop the movie and ask everyone to come back next week to finish it. This occured to me when I realized part way through that he started the movie too late/shouldn't have started it. If this were an intact family or if we had them this weekend, finishing it tonight wouldn't have been a big deal.
Hee hee...You just reminded
Hee hee...You just reminded me of what my bedtimes were like when I was a kid.
I think I missed the last fifteen minutes of half of the Battlestar Galactica series (the originals) because my Dad was a stickler for the 9:00pm bedtime rule. BSG aired on Sundays. Sometimes there would be a football game that would push the the scheduled programing ahead so sometimes BSG would finish only past 9:00pm. I would beg and plead with my Dad to let me stay up and watch the last 15 minutes or so but my Dad would hear none of it.
Flash forward many years later I splurged and bought the boxed DVD set, to make up for all the bedtime cruelty I suffered as a child. I started watching it and thought "Eegads! I actually liked this? It's so campy!"
That's too funny. I remember
That's too funny.
I remember when my mom married my step-dad and he started in with the bedtime stuff with me. I hated it. They would tell me right before bed that I could have a snack so I got smart and startd choosing apples. I could make an apple last for the last 15 minutes of the show I wanted to finish. It took them a while to figure it out and apples disappeared from the house.
MISTAKE # 1 RIGHT HERE:
MISTAKE # 1 RIGHT HERE: Because your mother informed me that you are only allowed two hours of computer time a day...
How about, because you are only allowed 2 hours of computer time - not blame it on BM or anyone else, take on the responsibility for the decision DH, come on.
Or even - "your mother and I
Or even - "your mother and I agreed that you only have two hours of computer time..."
I was waiting for someone to
I was waiting for someone to catch that!!! We've had multiple discussions about taking ownership for OUR house and rules. It's great that this is finally happening and both homes are participating unlike the last several months where we only had rules and SD was trying to go home to momma all the time. You nailed it. He totally should have owned it instead of placing it on BM. But hey, better her than me. tee hee....
That's why I didn't say a
That's why I didn't say a word about it. Baby steps.... I am realizing now that he's doing more than paying lip service to me on these issues. He's realizing that his daughter is a complete mess and that he has to step up to make that change, for her good and everyone else in the family. So he IS trying and I don't want to beat him down on smaller issues when he's got major ones to tackle and be praised for.
But, when we get things further along, that is the next issue I am addressing with him. He needs to understand that when you are divorced, you can't speak as a married/intact parent anymore. All this "Your mother and I think", "Mom said", etc... is the way a married parent speaks to the kid because the union is recognized and understood. If mom says it, we both mean it. It doesn't work that way in two household families. And the only 'we' anyone should be referencing is the two of us, the co-heads of THIS household.
OK so this angst-ridden girl
OK so this angst-ridden girl is watching Jurassic Park? I can't even watch it and I am pretty normal!
LOL. Now that's too funny.
LOL. Now that's too funny. I've learned a lot about her unique anxiety issues lately that include:
- Social anxiety completely disappears if there is an anime convention that she'd like to attend. Then she can be around thousands of people at once.
- Social anziety does not prevent her from talking on a headset to strangers on the internet.
- Her crippling fear of heights completely disappears if Daddy is not there to hold onto tightly. She can ascend and descend a three story look-out tower herself if no one is paying attention to said anxiety.
- Fear of bugs only grows when there is a reason, like staying home on the computer, to avoid leaving the house.
She's not switching schools.
She's not switching schools. She hasn't BEEN to school in several months and now is in the home tutoring program usually resevered for kids with severe illnesses. Her mom can't make her go to school because she supposedly has sudden severe anxiety. The reality is that she has a computer addiction and she's withdrawn from the world and is using the anxiety as a crutch/excuse. BM is just now figuring this out (I think). FDH is only 80% there in realizing I am right and that they are being played.