i don't know
i really don't care for mean comments to blogs, unless it's some helpful insight or helpful criticism I start to wonder why people are even commenting at all.
the point is I don't know about others but I'm at my lowest when I come here to blog or write something
it feels like a desperate attempt to seek out human life that can in some way relate
anyway that being said
I've pretty much just ignored SO since Saturday. Last night when he got home late I faked that I was sleepy and went to bed. tonight is Tuesday which means that he and SS8 will be having longer special time as we arranged. I wish I could just sleep for a few months straight...although of course I have work and that's no way to live.
Wednesday SS8 is getting dropped off at my work so I can watch him while SO goes to a meeting. He's usually better with me when we are alone. I just am trying to prepare myself to not be snappy. I'm usually not but just too much going on and I don't want to be fake either.
Thursday is supposed to be our "couple night starts earlier" at 7 - last week SO said "oh well if you still want to have that then I have to be able to feed him right away and etc etc etc ... more complaining about spending time with me"
We were doing good for a whole two weeks or so. I had already given up one of our Thursdays to watch a movie as a family.
Last night I saw another person's blog that made me so sad I knew what she meant. She and a person commenting on her blog talked about how depressing and painful it feels to have to ask for someone to spend time with you. How excited we are to get crumbs of time and then not have the person you love even really be all that excited about you at all. In fact it feels like he's doing a chore.
I'm not crying anymore I'm just not happy I'm not angry i'm just anxious and not sure If i'll be able to remain in love with someone that I'm not even sure is in love with me.
He's good to me in certain ways in little things he does, is he excited about us or about our alone time. NO I don't think so.
For Valentines Day he asked if I wanted to plan out where we were going... really? Did I want to make the reservation? and he didn't know if Vday was really all that important to me.
Eventually after I got upset he planned it and made the reservation himself. I'm the one that had to keep asking his friends if they would switch kid sleepover nights with us so we'd be able to go out. He delayed asking them over and over and then they almost didn't take the kid for the night b/c they were going out of town the next night.
I want someone to be in love with ME not so settled in with me just always being around.
It's depressing.
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Comments
Don't take the comments so
Don't take the comments so personally. Take what you can from them and move on. If they upset you completely, delete them. We all have different perspectives on this situation and sometimes it makes us a little bitter. In our haste to try and prevent you from making some of the mistakes that we may have made, it may not have been worded well and as always with the internet, something gets lost in translation.
You talk about not getting DH to plan things and want to be excited about alone time with you. Clearly something is lacking if you feel that way. What works for me is being blunt with DH. I am pretty specific, in that I need to be alone with you, no kids and I need you to take me out and the evening be about me. That actually has worked for me and he does it to. I am traveling for work the next few days and he was blunt last night, that I needed to spend time with him this weekend and not go off with my girlfriends golfing.
If you ask for what you want, communication gets easier. Also, when DH was focusing too much on SD and her drama, I was blunt that if he didn't focus on us, he was going to be divorced again and as he considered that a massive failure, it worked rather well. He started putting us first and her and BM last...
This is good advice.
This is good advice.
I have been very blunt
I have been very blunt before... i'm great at being blunt and now i'm tired of doing it.
I have literally not TOO long ago spelled out "if you want to worry about SS8 worry about what you'll have to tell him when I leave... worrey about explaining why (sweet name SS8 calls me) is gone b/c you never spent time with her.
He is a very busy guy. I know he loves me. Just we have totally missed the fun parts of being in love by his completely busy schedule and his inability to slow down and realize that he's taking our relationship for granted.
I spent most of last year trying to "teach him" nicely and not so nicely. I'm probably too blunt most times and I don't want to be like that. I've said all i've needed to say before.
and yes we do make some changes but it's like he is resistant as HELL to any changes he's had to make in his life b/c of me.
I think maybe I'm more worried about the longevity of this over the next year since BM is disappearing again. Atleast when she had him for a week every other Month or so we had time to be a couple for a few days ... even with her texting drama and inability to be an adult and take care of a child.
it's a depressing outlook. Even though she'd not very reliable that fact that SS8 was with her SOME allowed us to even be in a relationship in the first place. While SO has alot of friends they have never just offered up to take SS8 for a night so we can relax.
Last year I felt more like SS8's adopted mom and a coparent than part of an adult relationship. I made the mistakes for a while also completely catering to him and all his needs b/c i didn't know any better and had never done this before then say AUGUST or so I was like NOPE we need some damn time!
I just texted him to say :
" i need alone time with you soon, where you're happy about it. I know you have alot going on. I didn't realize the lego convention was this weekend or I wouldn't have given up so much of the weekend for you guys to to have time together. I wasn't really that tired last night. i forced myself to go to sleep so we wouldn't argue. I actually took a shower and made myself look nice for you for when you got home, dried my hair straightened it etc. Then I was feeling argumentative and neglected so I just made myself go to sleep instead. I love you see you later. "
I'm good at letting things be known i'm just tired of having to do it. I don't want to be with anyone else I love him I know he loves me it just fucking sucks to have no time.
Hugs You have a lot going on
Hugs
You have a lot going on and I understand completely. We put up with so much, its nice to feel appreciated for it occasionally and feel like we are doing it for a reason.
Thanks
Thanks
Men are "wired" so different
Men are "wired" so different from women....I do know how you feel...See the list below
7 yrs together and we have been married almost 6...ok here goes
* Christmas day 2013, 1st time in about 5 yrs we have eaten alone inside a place with no drive thru!
* only 1 Valentines gift ever, and that was 3 yrs ago
* hasn't celebrated my birthday since I turned 30, I'm now 36
* WE HAVE NEVER and I do MEAN NEVER celebrated our wedding anniversary, EVER. Not a card, a dinner, I MEAN NOTHING!
So I do understand, our only time out together is on the bike in the summer and if he were to decide to sell it, I don't know what I would do, otherwise our quality time is in front of the TV or working in the yard....I can't even remember the last time we were childless for a nite, but I love all my kids and with them there it makes it easier to feel ok with NO LIFE!
oh hun exactly. I'm so
oh hun exactly. I'm so sorry!!
will do!!
will do!!
Thanks for this. He noticed
Thanks for this. He noticed last night when I just went to sleep and ignored him. I don't want to have to be a cold bitch to get attention. I guess I'm starting this process. all of what you've said above. When I was single or even dating other people I never had a problem doing it. IDK what changed when it came to this guy. I don't like that I changed that about myself or that really i'd just rather hang out with him doing anything.
I'm afraid I'll go have fun alone and then be done with him and I don't want that. I just have to bite the bullet and go and ignore him.
I've been single so long b/c I have enjoyed my own time TOO much I want a family but idk maybe growing pains of what that really means. He is a good man and most everything about him other than this I love.
He does notice sometimes which is good. He noticed when I didn't go sledding with them he mentioned that there was a cool sunset and that he wished I was there to see with him and it made him sad that I wasn't. I wish he verbalized more things like that ! ha
This is good advice though I know that for sure. Thanks.
Love is a verb.
Thank you so much ! I'll
Thank you so much ! I'll reread this a few times! haha
ripley usually has such
ripley usually has such thoughtful advice. Listen to her. I had to learn a lot about how to get what I want from my husband. I have no doubt that he adores me, but getting him to show he appreciates me, and getting him to take action to do things like go on a date... man. I used to really take his (lack of) behaviour to heart. I felt so lonely and resentful. To this day, sometimes he really doesn't notice something is wrong until I turn the volume WAY up. I don't want to get THAT angry or hurt, but sometimes he doesn't catch on the first, second or tenth time.
Here are my 'tips': Trust that you are loved. Take care of your needs first. If you feeling unappreciated, rein it in for a while. Be brave. Ask for what you want. It doesn't have to be in code, you can wear your heart right on your sleeve. Don't give up. Don't put anyone else's needs first (at least, not for long).
If I want to go on a date that my husband arranges - then I have to tell him that I want to go on a date that he arranges.
If I want flowers - then I have to tell him it's time he brought me flowers.
If I want to be appreciated - then I have to tell him to list all the things I do that he appreciates.
If I want his attention because he's been distracted/busy lately - I tell him. This can be difficult for him to address, because he's distracted or busy. If it escalates, it is me saying more and more often and more and more loudly (sometimes with tears if it's really bad) until he STOPS. It is HIS job as my partner in life to, occasionally, put his stuff on the backburner and step up. As I sometimes do for him. But mostly we do it together.
In my case, I have found humour works very well. As an example, we have recently renovated our apartment and recently had a baby girl. The radiator in the baby's room isn't working properly. It was cold out and I was a bit worried that it would be too cold. My husband didn't think it would be a problem.
He was pissing me off because he didn't get up off his butt and go check out how cold it was, he was just dismissing my concerns. So I said something - can't remember what - and walked out of the room. But then I thought, nothing is solved and we both have an unhappy attitude. So I went back in and said, "Look, if I go in the baby's room again, and I think it's too cold, it's YOUR chair I'll be using for kindling to make sure she's warm."
He thought that was funny, but also jolted him out of his complacency and he got up to check it out.
It was hard for me to remain calm. I felt really panicky that he was so cavalier about the baby's health and safety!! But I know the way to engage him. Just like you know the way to engage your DH.
Thank you for sharing! I'll
Thank you for sharing!
I'll try to think about these.
i think you make some good
i think you make some good points. I was def a whole person before him... so whole that I wouldn't even cut out time for more than a few lame dates every now and then. haha
Then I met him and somehow my love for him surpassed all the others even the love of my alone time.
That gives me some hope! That I can still go back to being part of who I was and not lose the love i have for him or him. I'm glad you found that balance. You have a great attitude. I guess we have these romantic ideas of what love is supposed to be like. You know all of the suckers and horrible guys that gave me their undivided attention when i was single, they were all trying to get something from me in a very short amount of time. It wasn't love. I think that's what we are sold on though, the idea that being swept up is what it's about. I feel in love with him b/c he's genuine and honest and he is committed to be a great father and (with work) to be a good partner, he's a good friend and a good son, cousin, etc.
I'm so glad to hear about a love that has lasted and you can still have all of the things together and apart.
I used to LOVE movies alone! haha and pretty much everything alone was great. I'll have to follow and read your blogs to see how you do it.
these are good points. I keep
these are good points. I keep meaning to read the book "love languages" maybe i can go get some coffee and read LOL
That sounds great I'm glad you've gotten to the point of looking for the diamonds in the dust
I think you hit on something there i think busy does = good to him as well.