DH was defensive & fresh and I'm not happy.
DH is supposed to see ss at his usual time Wed at the ex wifes house to watch TV together...However, this week DH promised me he'd take me somewhere cause I have night blindness. When I suggested that instead of going there WEd night, he pick up ss Thur night and then bring him home to our house for a few days...(no school Fri.)he got all friggin defensive and got in a sour mood. I thought spending a few "days" with his son at our new place would be better than the 1 hour on Wed at his old house but I was informed it wasn't! He said, "It's not the same." That's what they are used to. He said that's the way "we" do it...I assumed he meant that's the way he and ex do the visitation. Anyway, he got all defensive like I suggested something horrifying and we've not talked all day. I kind of lashed out and said..if he wants to keep going to his exwifes house and being part of a fantasy as opposed to seeing his kid on our turf which is reality...go ahead. What can I do? I'm just feeling like how can he see that he doesn't belong hanging out ever in the exes house? (I posted my situation a few weeks ago but just needed to vent today..sorry. - I am trying to accept it and take all your previous suggestions...I just don't like being talked to nasty when I thought I was making a good suggestion. I feel...so out of sorts about it.
- Bonus Wife's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
He needs to move on
I feel your frustration. It is not healthy for his son that they continue to pretend to be this normal family. They are not allowing thier son to accept that mommy and daddy are no longer together and that daddy has a new place that he can come to visit. And it also seem like your husband is not trying to bring you into the situation. I feel that he should spend time alone with his son but he needs to begin to allow his son to become more comfortable around you and being in your home.
That must be awful knowing
That must be awful knowing that he's going over to be with her in their old house. When I first met my husband, his ex went through the possessive phase, too, and tried to order supervised visitation at her house, which she did not get. Your husband is really in the middle here, trying to please both you and her, and he really does feel like he has to please her because she holds the power over whether he gets to see his son or not. You two are a team, so let him know you are on his side and support his decisions. Her strategy is probably to create so much tension between you two that you leave him. Don't let her win. Let your husband know that as a team you can work together to keep her from being so controlling. You could encourage him to put his foot down about the house visits by building him up to himself and giving him the confidence he needs to confront her. You can really turn her vindictiveness into a tool to bind you two closer together. Later, you can thank her for being so difficult because it really helped to stregthen your marriage.
It's Not Really Her
Unfortunatley, it's not the exes fault. She isn't even home when he visits (or not most of the time anyway.) It's him...I would love him to see his kids everyday if he could...but my thing is to take them to a movie, take them to dinner....just not hang out in that house. He accuses me of it being my own insecurities but I really think even if she were Mother Teresa..I wouldn't like it...Just an awful feeling. And they are not 5 and 7 but 15 and 16. He expects me to be this "perfect, understanding mate." He must've explained it a hundred times as to why he feels it's okay...We just can't agree about it and the truth is I have to suck it up....But, thanks for listening!!!! I think I lose either way. If he ever stops seeing the kids "in their own natural habitat"he will resent me...and if he doesn't I resent him. Hopefully I'll just accept it as time goes by.
Thanks
Janice,
You ALWAYS make me smile! I really think you hit the nail on the head with that change of schedule analysis. That's hysterical.
Hubby also accuses me of being insecure AND not trusting him. And, again, it's not really either. Aside from the fact that I just don't think he has any business being in the old house, the other reason is that in doing it like that I just am not privy to those moments of witnessing him and ss laughing over a TV show, if he has those moments "over there!" I love watching the joy in my DHs eyes when his kids are over...
I also now feel so selfish! In the scheme of things....it is small potatoes. The years will pass by quickly and I'll probably feel terrible that I busted my hubby's chops so much. (But I can't stand the fact that it seems like hubby wants his cake and he wants to eat it too, ya know?)
Hi Bonus...
I really have no advice here.. I can see how you would feel that way. Because its just wrong.
Honestly lets take a poll.. How many of us here would like this one bit whether it were us going or our Hubby's, or SO? I sure in the hell would not like it. I mean just an example my hubby and I built another room for SS in basement because well we have 4 kids at home.. And needed another room. So the ex wife wanted to know if she could come over and decorate the room that we built because it was for son? OMG I had a HEIFER.. a COW would be to big.. LOL..
I notice with me my problem is I want some power too if that makes any sense.. I do not like the ex holding all the power, or any at all really.
I hope your husband realizes that what he is doing is causing problems for your marriage and also its creating a "false" realization for his son. What he is doing may be creating this fantasy to son that he may come back home someday. Its not right.. Divorce is easier if you play it right.. And they are playing it wrong in my opinion.
Be honest with him on how it makes you feel. We already know how he feels but maybe you sucking it up and trying to deal with it is not right. Tell him exactly how it is making YOU feel.
Ask him how important your marriage is to him.
That is a lot of it. I know that I love my husband very much and that I want my marriage to work for the rest of my life. Yes I realize everyone gets married and does not say man I want to get married and get a divorce but some of the men on here that I read about act as if it does not matter to them. Well why get married then? It takes a lot of work for a marriage to work. You have to learn things new everyday, you have to work at it harder then a job. Just like raising kids. They are wonderful, but the worries of them no wonder grey hair starts so early.. LOL..
I just want you to know I am sorry for all that you are dealing with.
Happy
What they say is true...
Thanks Happy...It's interesting how each one of us has different tolerant levels...I would have also had a huge fit if ex wanted to decorate room yet I wouldn't have had a problem if she wanted to see a photo of it when it was done. (That would have been my compromise.)
You are right...Marriage is hard enough...then when you add a remarriage and all its' additional issues - gosh, it's really tough. I realize it takes so much more than LOVE to make it work...It takes patience, tolerance, forgiveness, an open mind, an open heart, trust, acceptance, communication, the list goes on and on....I do want to start praying more about what is really important enough issues. Which issue will be the one that we shouldn't compromise on?....Know what I mean? Hubby did tell me last night...that he would do anything for me and do anything I ask of him...but of course, he hopes it wouldn't be to ask him not to visit his kids once a week there. (has lots of excuses why he can't take them to dinner or the book cafe, etc...it would be too late, blah, blah, blah.) And again if I did, I KNOW he'd never forgive me for it. Oh well...we probably should have waited til the kids were in college to start our life. I know in this case, I just have to accept it and be a good sport about it. I love what one person's mantra was: ONLY FOUR MORE YEARS, ONLY FOUR MORE YEARS..... Enjoy the day for anyone who reads this!
i would hate to that too,
i would hate to that too, him going over to her house for visitation. i don't think i can live w/that. maybe your husband was in the bad mood when you asked him. talk to him about it another day and ask him why he got so defensive. that you wish to talk about things in a calm way and work it out. i couldn't stand to live w/my husband if he is unable to work things out w/me. it's a 2 way relationship. it will always be an irritation to us and hardship when we have biomom's in our lives. we need this site to help us w/our problems and get support.
-happy mom
The Mistake He Made...
was that when we got married he told his teens that NOTHING was going to change....he'd see them just as much, etc. I guess this is the promise he made them. He didn't want them to resent me for changing the way "they" do things. Unfortunately, like someone said, that doesn't prepare them for the "real" world.
Also Janice, I do believe that the ex does also go out when he is there OR he only goes there when she's gone. HE isn't comfortable if she's there. BUT..another matter is that I just don't like the idea of him being privy to any of her personal matters....mail on table, tampons in wastepaper basket, etcetera...AGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually I am laughing as I type that but it's the truth! Anyway, I feel better just venting and listening (reading your posts). Thanks!
PS Just found out, SD IS coming this w/e so I am happy. We'll have fun. She at least will play Scrabble with me.
Grey Goose Martini For Me!
Or, actually, I just discovered this fabulous french rose wine....goes down really easy...but it should for $35 a bottle (liquore store price.) (I misread the price - didn't have my glasses...Ooops) One thing for sure is I'm going to buy a case when I get some tax money back. If I'm gonna start drinking, it's gonna be the good stuff.
Jeepers
"when we got married he told his teens that NOTHING was going to change...."
And that was delusional on his part. Right up front he made it out to them and himself as if the marriage was going to take something away from them and he was going to be a good daddy and make sure that wouldn't happen (rather than let the relationships evolve in a *healthy* manner that considered your feelings as well as theirs). Of course things would change....and what's so terrible about change? Life is full of it!
Argh.
Thanks Steve
Ya know Steve, I consider myself to be pretty understanding and tolerant, but his kids are not 6 and 7, but 14 and 15. I can understand it if they were your kids age, or if you hadn't yet remarried....Don't you think that the guidelines and boundaries change when a man remarries? IMO, if he couldn't handle what divorce entailed, he never should have either left the ex in the first place or married me if he wanted to hang out in both places..Pick one or the other. I've created a great home for them here...I feel like it's not good enough for his precious kids and him. That's home and always will be..I suppose you've just helped me realize it's my insecurties andthat's the problem. Even though he doesn't believe me, I honestly don't feel threatened by the ex and God forbid there was a snowstorm, he could stay there on the couch too if he had too...but I just think it's time to have this relationship with his kids at our new home now. I hope I can look at it from your perspective because it seems I don't have a choice....Hubby does what he needs to do regardless of my feelings...whether they are irrational or rational. Thanks for your input.