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Entering the step parenting role-trouble has already started

cari13's picture

I have been a single mother of 2 girls (17& 15) for 15years and have recently have recently become engaged to a man who has 2 girls also (18 & 12). We have known each other for 27yrs and our kids have been friends growing up and also go to school together.

When we told the kids, the 3 oldest were happy but the youngest, who lives with her mother, was not. Her biggest issue is that she is going to "lose her Dad" and that she was just getting used to the idea that her parents are divorced (but it's been 5 yrs). We talked with her and let her cry and gave her time to get used to the idea. We also told her that she will still have time with her Dad Ion the weekends. I work every other weekend so that's 4 days that she has to spend alone with him. The other weekends that we have off I like to spend with everyone as family time. She seems OK with this when she's with us. The problem is that everytime she goes home after the weekends to her mothers her mother tells her things like, "you know your dad won't want to spend time with you know that he's with her" "you know your dad only spends time with you on the weekends she works, he's not really giving anything up for you" and other statements like that.

She's very jealous, so we try not to show to much affection to each other when she's around. She also tries to make the time that we all spend together, about her. The other kids are starting to get fed up with this, including her own sister. She does have anxiety issues and panic attacks ever since the divorce and does see a therapist for this. And wheter it was intentional or unintentional, her mother took her to the ER for physical symptoms related to her anxiety, on Valentines Day, so she had both her mother and father together that day. (I think a lot of this had to do with her mother, who is a little psycho, in my opinion).

We are planning to move in together in the next few months when school is out (the wedding is in Oct). We would like for her to come and live with us but she doesn't want to leave mother and she is also concerned about school. Being a nurse, my schedule is flexible and I offered to take a later shift so that I could drive her to school, which would be about a forty minute round trip drive.

I just don't know what to do with this situation. When she's with us we reinforce what we want for her and for our new family, and she seemsonboard with this until she goes back to her mothers, who completely undoes what we do. How do you deal with this??

Comments

simifan's picture

It seems to me, you and Dad are helping BM feed into her fears. Unfortunately, most of us here have learned the hard way we cannot control anything BM does - neither can you. And unfortunately, some BMs are self centered and don't realize or don't care how their behavior effects their children.

BUT, by not showing affection & allowing her to draw lines in your relationship you & DH are giving her power over your relationship. Actions speak louder then words. If you let her dictate how you and DH behave now, she will continue to act out until she gets what she wants. Continue on with your relationship - do your best to show her a loving and inclusive relationship.

However, you and DH need to realize now she may never be okay with your relationship. You need to be clear on what this means to your relationship - is DH going to leave you if SD is not happy? How will you deal with the discord she will be bringing into the household.

I would suggest a visit to a therapist now - to help you and DH decide these issues before they arise - rather then the thousands of $$ you'll spent on individual therapy for everyone to recoup and reconnect after SD tries to sabotage your relationship.

ErinOnTheEdge's picture

First, congrats on getting engaged! Smile

12 is definitely old enough to have some straightforward talk. If he hasn't already your fiance needs to sit down and talk with her and tell her things similar to what others have posted - he still loves her, he will always make time for her, nothing is being taken away from her. The most important thing is to make her understand that she doesn't have a choice about you being in her life, but she does have a choice in how pleasant it will be. I think DF should tell her flat out not to pay attention to anything her mother says about the situation.

Don't play into her games, which it sounds like are actually BM's games that she is playing out. If you let her change your behavior (showing affection) or make all the family time about her, then you are teaching her that she is the one in control of YOUR relationship!!

As an aside, I don't know what your plans are for your wedding, but in my wedding, I had DD12 and SD12 as my bridesmaids, and we did a family unity candle ceremony to recognize that this wasn't just a marriage, but building a new family. I think SD was really happy to be included in the ceremony and it helped us get closer.

Good luck!

schambers's picture

I tried to explain to the skids that not only was I choosing to be with their father, I was choosing to be with them. That didn't fly either. The biggest issue is the BM, who has never even met or talked to me (in 13 years) but seems to have nothing nice to say about me to anyone. I am DH 2nd wife and she is on husband #9 (no joke). These kids are grown now ss23 and sd19 and no matter what I do for them I am the root of all evil. I hope your sd is young enough not to fall into the trap.