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Christmas holidays - need your advices

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi everyone, 

I know it's a little bit early but i need your help to organize next christmas holidays. 

Before having our BS, christmas holidays were organized around SS9 wellbeing and wants. DH and BM families decided that SS needed to see both families on 24/25th to be happy. 
Typically, DH and I were in with my familly for the 24th while SS was with BM. On the 25th, we used to pick up SS at BM (1 hour drive) and go to MIL (another 1 hour driving). We used to spend the day at MIL and then go back to our home (another 1 hour driving). 
To please SS, we used to drive 3 hours on the 25th in order to let him see everyone (SIL, MIL and us). 

Now we have a baby, and i absolutely don't want my son to be in a car for 3 hours on Christmas day. Plus DH have cut ties with ILs, and our baby doesn't have anything to do with them. 

So, i'm wondering if you have any ideas/suggestions/advices of how could we manage christmas holidays. 
Knowing that : 

1/ i don't want my baby goes to MIL or SIL

2/ we don't want SS visiting ILs during our times with us, nor just before. 
3/ i want our BS spend christmas with his loving family (ie my parents) but SS is not allowed with them (because i want to protect my family from his allegations lies)

Any idea on how we can adjust ? 
Many thanks


ndc's picture

Does your DH have a court order for Christmas visitation? If so, what does it say?  If BM has SS right before your visitation, you can't stop her from letting him see the ILs on her time, so you can't prevent him from seeing the ILs right before he sees you if BM is willing to accommodate the ILs.  If DH doesn't want to see his family, you don't need to take SS there.  Does DH want to spend Christmas with SS? If he does (or has to per court order), and SS can't be with your family, then DH isn't going to be able to be with both SS and you and DS if you want DS spending Christmas with your family.  All of your requirements would preclude all of you being together for the whole day,  unless I'm missing something.  How far is your home from your parents? Could you spend half the day at your home and half with your parents? No matter what SS wants, I wouldn't spend 3 hours driving around to a bunch of different relatives. 

Caroline2b1211's picture


Thanks you for your reply. There is no court order at all, only "friendly arrangement". 
We live at 2 hours from my parent's house. It's impossible to split the day in two with a baby. 
Each year, i have 10 days off for Chritmas and i want to enjoy it with my baby and family. 

I though of making a 1 year out of 2. For example, one year SS spends Christmas (24+25) with BM (and whoever she wants - including ILs). And the other year, with DH. But that will mean DH and SS spend Christmas the two of us while baby and I are at my parent's house. 

BethAnne's picture

You take your baby to your parents and leave your husband to work out what to do with his time and his son's time. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Yes, that could be an option. During my times off on Christmas holidays, i take my baby and spend Christmas holidays at my family parent's house. 
However, i don't want my son to be dreprived from his dad. 

hereiam's picture

Since you've cut ties with the in-laws and don't want to make the drive there (which I totally get), and since you don't want SS to go to your family's (which I also get), and I don't feel that you really want to spend every other Christmas without your DH (I wouldn't), you are going to have to think outside the box.

The 24th and 25th are just dates. One can celebrate Christmas any day around those two days that they wish. Thinking back, I would be hard pressed to come up with more than a few years that we actually celebrated Christmas with my SD on the 24th or 25th. It really made no difference. We celebrated and she got gifts. Mission accomplished.

Caroline2b1211's picture

Think outside the box ! I love the idea ! 
Celebrating Christmas on another day than 24/25.
Let's see if i'm right, For example : 

- take SS from 17 to 23 december (1week) and celebrate a special day. SS goes back to BM (or ILS or whoever) on 23. During that time, i work (not spending days off with SS) and my baby goes with my parents (they are off, and want to spend time with my baby). Plus, SS will come just after the school ends and doesn't spend any brainwashing day with ILs BEFORE his stay. 
- from 23, we go spend 10 days (i'm off 10 days) to my parent's house with our son and celebrate Christmas there. 

Is that sort of split you were suggesting ? 

hereiam's picture

If that works for you guys, sounds good!

You avoid in-laws, SS is not around your family, you and DH can celebrate with his son, you celebrate with DH, baby, and your family.

ndc's picture

I think this is a great idea, although I'm sure you'll never hear the end of it from the ILs (but you shouldn't care  what they think).

We do something similar for different reasons.  DH and BM used to split the 24th and 25th and otherwise have their regular custody schedule, which worked if everyone was local.  We now like to go to my parents' beach home for Christmas, so we celebrate Christmas with the skids either before or after Christmas. It works for all of us. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

If we do, that won't be ok. If we don't either. So let's just do the way it's convenient for all of us instead of sacrifice ourselfs and our baby for evil ILs pleasure !

I'm glad to see you're doing great with this situation. Are your SKIDS ok with that ? 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hi Winterglow, 

unfortunately we don't have any space to welcome my parents + grandmother's. 
Plus, even if we had space, my parents don't want to be in the same house than SS since he started to claim for false allegations of abuse. 
Before he started doing drama, they used to welcome him one month during the summer, now they don't want to have anything to do with him. 
You know, MIL hates my parents who she sees like rich people, and is really jealous of them. They could become target. 

Winterglow's picture

Who can blame them for not wanting to be around him? Certainly not me. Hope you find a solution!

Caroline2b1211's picture

Hereiam suggested to plan a special day before Christmas to celebrate with SS. With this solution, we share some times with him around a diner and give his presents. That sounds a great idea. 

Winterglow's picture

I agree, but don't let your mil know in advance or she'll make a meal of it- "poor darling, you're being pushed aside for the new baby... " etc. Miserable witch that she is. 

The_Upgrade's picture

You need to adjust your way of thinking. Instead of "oh no my inlaws will find out and get upset" it should be "I hope BM tells them and they get absolutely outraged". After all, there over there and you're over here. Who cares if they're miserable somewhere else. But privately I'd have a laugh just knowing how upset they are. Sucks to be them.

And as for MIL making a fuss, she's going to try her best regardless. It makes no difference her brainwashing SS leading up to Christmas vs brainwashing after Christmas once she finds out what happened. Limiting his exposure to them is all you can do. 

Caroline2b1211's picture

Thanks Upgrade for the reply !

The only change in brainwashing time (before or after) is about SS behaviour with us. We noticed that when he comes direclty just after shool days, he is almost OK. But when he comes after MIL visitation, he is terrible.

However, i get you. In the long term, the negative impact will be the same ! Just for us to have SS more pleasant at home for my own comfort.