You are here

$100 for your thoughts

CLove's picture

Most of you are familiar, ut for newbies, heres the synopsis: I have 2 SDs, Toxic Feral SD20, and Munchkin SD12. Feral has moved into her mothers apartment last November. She has not had much contact with DH, except for a few texts here and there, since she turned 18, graduated high school, and left our house. After several years of her filth and disrespectful attitude I was ok with no contact, however I realize and understand that DH was affected. The upshot is that she is incrdibly toxic and hateful. A few months ago, in spite of hating me and accusing DH of abusing her, she asked to move in with us and "get her old room back".

Nothing has changed, we are still the people she hates. So, DH said "work it out with your mother".

Feral wanted to move in because her mother and her were fighting over her room being disgusting and messy, with bugs.

So, with that background, the ONLY time DH ever gets a text from Feral, its because she wants something from him - money, typically. Until recently, when I started my new job, he hasnt had any to give. Firstly because right now, child support and alimony are taking a big chunk. So, he uses that as an excuse, rather than simply telling her '"no". Minus points.

Cut to now, I am making more $$ and able to pay half of all expenses. He has recently acquired a car (used), and now has 3 vehicles. I suggested last night, that since he has promised Feral a car after graduation (2 years ago), tell her she has a car, and give her a month to get her license. Then sell. He sais "no, why would I give a car to that monster?" My mindset was that she is "upset because no car, and having to spend all money on uber". Providing this opportunity with limits would shut everyone down who is judging (her, Toxic Troll, etc.) But, then I aid "yes, why give a good car (BMW) to someone who has treated us both so badly?" So - bonus points.

Then after that discussion - "yeah, Feral asked me for money, for uber, that she would pay me back, so I gave her some $ so she wouldnt continue asking me for things." So - his thinking was that giving her this amount would stop her from asking for more in the future. And because she hasnt paid him back for 1 1/2 months, that would keep her from asking again for a while. The logic! Is that how things work? When a kid asks you for money, you cannot simply say no, you have to find exuses, and reasons, and thats how it is forever????

It was only $100, so it isnt much. But she asked for $150. What about next time? She figures he "owes her", because he wont let her move back in, and I wonder if on some level he agrees. This makes me so glad that we keep our finances separate and distinct. We make the same amount, and he has $1,100 more in bills than I do. There is no way in he!! that I am going to contribute a cent for her, now or in the future.

I know about comunity property. But do I need to get a post nup to keep everything separate if he is going to continue giving his money to kids? Im just postulating right now. Right now he has more to gain from post nup (gets to keep his vehicles, assets we acquire split in half...)

I guess that he and I need to talk about money. If I build up savings and retirment, am I required to split that with him? The money he is giving out to kiddos, is that money community property and as such mine as well? Its my first marriage. I dont want any more money going out the door - thats our house payment, thats money for our new bathroom...etc. But he is - always will be a father and as such his kids look to him as provider, even the adult when she needs money will always look to him for that (she has always treated him like an atm)

$100 for your thoughts. How is money handled in your household?


Cbarton12's picture

We live in a community property state. But DH and I keep finances separate. We have a joint account that we funnel money into for our mortgage and utilities. Groceries we split at the cash register. He exclusively has control of the child support money he receives from BM. 

Growing up, my parents shared accounts. And I thought that's what I wanted. But I am so glad we have separate accounts. He buys stupid things often and I can imagine as SD gets older might give her money for things I don't agree on. So this arrangement works for us. I don't want to be involved when it's time to get her a phone, a car etc. 

His car is in his name, and mine is solely my name. The only joint asset we have is our home. 

tog redux's picture

We have a joint account and each have separate accounts. We use the joint account (via a joint credit card) to pay household bills, home repairs, food, pet care, travel, entertainment, etc.  We have two cars in both of our names, we each pay separately for the gas and repairs for those cars (though I'm guessing if one needed an expensive repair, we'd both chip in for it).  Both are now paid off, but the loans were paid from the joint account.

He pays his Child Support and SS19's tuition, as well as a small student loan he has.  He makes about 25K more than I do.

My DH takes SS out to dinner here and there and buys him gifts for special occasions, but would not in a million years hand over even $10, given how much Child Support he pays BM.  SS wouldn't dream of asking. 

Your DH should tell his adult daughter to get a job for her Uber fare. I'm so glad my DH is not the type to feel he has to open his wallet for his kid. 

CLove's picture

She works at a restaurant a few towns over, so uber is expensive. She is a shift supervisor or something. She claims Toxic Troll is "draining her bank account", because she charges rent and rides. Every month she asks for something. A few months ago she asked for $400. He has told Feral he pays child support and alimony to her mother, and has nothing really left over. Its really none of her business but she keeps asking. Her mother is the same way. Badgering all the time.

tog redux's picture

BM here tries to manipulate more money out of DH (claiming he hasn't paid or owes what he doesn't) but he doesn't fall for that crap. 

Why would your DH give TT a cent more than CS? And is the CS for TF too, or just for Munchkin?  And TT should charge for rent, the kid is a grown-up now. 

CLove's picture

Just alimony and CS, just for munchkin (california). But we also do back to school shopping, sundries etc. Now, too, she wants a new violin. All good things, but slowly draining.

tog redux's picture

All extras that BM should be paying for or helping with.  I get why he does it for the 12 yo, but it's the same mindset that makes him give it to the 20 yo.

And why would he reward TF for being such a rotten shit to him?  If SS had called up during his alienation and asked for $100, DH would have laughed at him. Your DH isn't obligated to help an adult child who won't help herself.  Why can't she drive? Why can't she get a job closer to where she lives?

He's mixed up about what it means to "provide" for his kids.

Winterglow's picture

Why doesn't he just tell her to get her on place to live? If she added up the cost of rent to her mother, rides plus Ubers maybe living closer to her work would be cheaper?

CLove's picture

Is EXTREMELY high for rentals. She would have to do a house share, and get her chit together. Haha on that. Shes too lazy to do even that.

Her mother charges her $200 rent. Anywhere around her work is going to be at least $700.

Chmmy's picture

My advice, contribute less to the house. Make him spend every cent he has so he does not have much for Feral. That also frees up some of your income.

I contribute almost zero to the household at this point. If I buy something for skids or household, I dont ask for repayment as that would be petty but he pays all bills due to he has 4 skids living there. The only extra I cost him is a few showers as I buy my own food. He also pays my car insurance now but like I said I buy things for the house or skids occasionally too.

I make about 25% of what he does due to quitting my job to be able to move in with him(mistake but whats done is done) i still work my part time job and stash most of what I make. I put my money in my kids' names. If there is a divorce I will leave with a nest egg, if not we retire with more than we thought. Skids will never get anything from me. My kids are my priority.

Do you have a way to stash money secretly? It sounds like you are anticipating a divorce? I also have all bank statements sent to my parents house. I hate being secretive but they are a bunch of irresponsible theives.

Protect yourself CLove. I know you love the Munchkin but Feral and her mother will bleed your DH for whatever they can.

CLove's picture

My whole goal was that he would have extra for himself, not to give selfish narcissistic ungrateful kids. We will have a mortgage soon, and we will be spending money on fixing things around the house. Its old, so that will absorb the monies.

I dont have kids to leave anyting to, so I was thinking my spouse, my parents and then my brother. I dont really want anything going to skids now at this point.

Aniki's picture

Our finances are, and always have been, very much separate. I created a spreadsheet for the house and utilities so we know, to the penny, how much WE owe. Other than that?
His and Hers car payments.
His and Hers medical bills.
His and Hers credit cards.
His and Hers recreational expenses.
If we are going on vacation, we split the cost.

DH pays for EVERYTHING skid-related. It has been my choice to spend MY money on the skids over then years.

CLove's picture

Except we dont have credit cards. Im thinking that we will after mortgage is complete.

hereiam's picture

If I build up savings and retirment, am I required to split that with him?

Do you mean in case of divorce or while you are married? I mean, technically, nobody can make you "share" your money with your spouse while married, but the bottom line is that you entered into a contract with the state to take care of each other. If he has no savings because he keeps giving money to his daughter and he, say, racks up some medical bills, your income will be be considered in paying those bills. A post nup may protect you in some situations, but not all.

So, he may think that it is "his" money he is giving his daughter but the reality is, he could someday put you in a position to have to cover him financially.

It wouldn't hurt to talk to a lawyer and ask questions. That way, you can get informed and have a conversation with your husband, presenting him with facts, not just emotions.

DH and I have separate accounts and I don't monitor his spending, but he knows that I expect him to save, and I do not expect him to throw money at his grown daughter (who refuses to work). She is an adult and his commitment is to me, now.

CLove's picture

Goal accomplished!

Step 2 retirement account. Im feeling like since I will have a good retirement stash, he needs to keep up!

Good advice - I didnt think about that...

Harry's picture

Then disengage from her.  Make your DH pay his share of the bills, all the bills, including entertainment and vacation funds.  So he has little money for SD.  But remember it’s better to give her some money then letting her move in

CLove's picture

Its  a trade off then. I was thinking that too. Better a dribble here and there, so he doesnt feel guilty, right?

hereiam's picture

As long as it is just dribbles, and really, those need to stop at some point, she needs to learn responsibility.

Dribbles can add up to a great big puddle.

CLove's picture

give a little and she thinks theres more honey in the pot. Hes just thinking its cheaper this way, at least shes safe-ish.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

It's a bit sad that your DH is willing to give TF $$ for Uber, which is money down the drain, rather than help her towards independence. She needs to get a driver's license, and I think it was really kind of you to suggest your DH use a car as a carrot. Yes, she's a pi$$y train wreck, but her outlook might improve if she had her own means of transport.

I also agree that you.shouldn't be paying half of the bills. Munchkin lives there half of the time, after all. 

CLove's picture

Rent and bills ar minimal right now. I should have thought about that sooner! Now it would set him off if I said im only paying $330 instead of $550 for rent. When we buy the place Ill pay 50% to have ownership.

Strategically, her having a car would benefit her and us in that he would have fulfilled his stated obligation. So less for her to whine about. Now Im not really caring, she can whine all she wants. She still needs a license!

Yes, I agree. Money for uber - he is not expecting it back and its down the drain.

Thats my mani-pedi! I pay for my own, but still. Thats a nice dinner out.

tog redux's picture

My SS19 doesn't have his license yet either, I don't get it.  I wanted it as soon as I could get it. In his case, I think it's fear, though he would deny that. Apparently BM has a beater car sitting in her driveway for him, but he still won't get his license.

CLove's picture

But thats ok, I dont want to be in the mindset for a minute!

thinkthrice's picture

are in my name and controlled by me.  Chef is allowed to have a credit card for groceries and sundry items.  He also has accounts for job materials in my name.

Chef lives very well considering the impoverishment of massively overpaying CS and him refusing to fight for his rights/giving away the candy and candy store to the Gir during the divorce.  If it weren't for me he'd be forced to live with one of his half bros out in Girhippoville.

What was I thinking???!!

CLove's picture

I say that to myself too, sometimes, but then I look at that smile and melt. 

Really, on paper, DH is not horrible as some, but not as great as others. 

I got him a savings account 1 valentines day. He never used it and it was left with 12$. I recelty closed it. He JUST now started a savings linked to checking for overdraft protection. However somehow it didnt work when hwe went into $25 negative. So I dont know if the savings is even active.

hereiam's picture

Your DH and BM really need to push her to get her driver's license. Is it fear or something else? The longer she waits, the more fearful she will be. Your DH needs to stop giving her money for Uber, she has no incentive to drive if somebody else is willing to pick up the slack.