You are here

I am getting frustrated again

Cover1W's picture

Last night at dinner YSD asked if her food was cooked and picking at it.  We were ALL eating the same thing.  I said,"Yes, it's cooked. We're all eating the same thing, it's actually hot."  DH then says, "Oh, you can put it in the microwave if you want to just for a minute or two."  Totally undermining me AGAIN.  Jeezus - I cannot say ANYTHING remotely adult to YSD or DH practically throws himself in front of her to dismantle my authority as an adult in the house. 

I looked at him and said, "You know, nevermind.  What I said doesn't matter."  Then he gaslights me by asking what the big deal was if she put it in the microwave and how ridiculous it was to suggest she didn't need to.  She's there the whole time listening to this.  I just said, "I take it back.  Never mind.  Just pretend I didn't say anything because it really doesn't matter what I think does it?"

Did I mention I'm back to spending my evenings in our bedroom just to get away from them? 

I've got an appointment with a counselor this week.  I know part of this is his ADD - something else happened the other day that likely triggered the above situation becuase now he's hypersensitive to anything I ask - but the ADD reactions are NOT on me.  I've done some reading and a lot of it states that I have to disengage more with him.  Don't help him don't ask him to do anything - but regular stuff is ok, and I've got some tips about that.  But I'm so mad I still don't want to talk with him.  So the separate lives in the same house this week is going pretty good.

Comments

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, it was my mistake, but I had JUST taken a bite of food - I mean my god, I'm disengaged, but this is above and beyond.  It was simple conversation apparently I now have to withdraw from.

Cover1W's picture

It actually CAN!  That's the messed up thing about it.

1 - The person with it has to acknowledge they have it and that their brains don't work the same.  However, DH barely, barely admits this.  He thinks he's a-ok all the time.

2 - Mood swings.  Typical esp. when stressed or tired.  Which for a person with ADD is almost all the time.

3 -  Doing one thing that's out of order for the day, or the hour, or whatever they are working on "disappears" into the clutter of the tasks in their brain.  I get that.  But it's exhausting to have to be the rememberer, esp. when the ADD person gets irritated and thinks the thing is inconsequential in their head. 

4 - item 3 causes partner to go crazy because they become the 'parent figure' of the adult.  Household tasks, finances, upkeep, calendars etc. fall to the partner (i.e. me, this is true for the most part, but I've given up a shared calendar and am not responsible for this finances unless it effects me directly).

5 - kids can be an issue because person with ADD, for all the reasons above remain inconsistent and rules and tasks and schedules are all over the place. 

Thus, the non-ADD partner often has to find a way to work with all this; either disengagement and lead parallel lives (I'm about 40% this) or find a way to communicate; and therapy.  I also just bought a book for us to read TOGETHER.  And I'm going to insist on it.

strugglingSM's picture

I can relate to 3, 4, and 5. I would also add the shame cycle when their ADHD gets in the way of something. DH will deflect or lie when he feels as if he's being scrutinized or criticized because of his ADHD. This could depend on how the person's family of origin managed the ADHD. In my case, MIL has told DH that there is something wrong with him his entire life and also that he would never succeed because of his ADHD. Then BM did the same because she's a manipulative jerk.

For me, it's one thing to manage things for DH and I, but I feel resentful when I'm also expected to manage things for Skids because DH won't because it takes so much extra effort for him than for someone without ADHD. 

Another ADHD challenge that I've experienced is an inability to pick up on social cues. This often means that DH doesn't notice that I'm angry unless I shout. He also doesn't always pick up on situations when they escalate or know when he needs to jump in. 

He and I have gone to counseling, but he's not reflective and will just say "tell me what I need to do", rather than work with me to help me understand how ADHD impacts him and how we can work better together. The counselor we went to was the one who highlighted the social cues issue. I had noticed it before, but figured he was just nervous. 

Cover1W's picture

DH has a lot of self criticism too, and he likens my response to his stepdad. Likely who was also very frustrated. It's about me making him feel bad rather than me just wanting him to partner with me. I will make sure he sits down with me when this book comes as it should help us reframe things.

It's exhausting.

I'm going to hire our yard guys on a regular basis, like the house cleaner, because it needs to get done SOMEHOW.

strugglingSM's picture

I can relate, but with my DH it's usually about asking Skids to do the bare minimum...like picking up their own trash. I'll ask them to go upstairs and bring down the trash. They'll say, "I didn't leave anything up there!" I'll say, "I was just up there and there is trash in the tv room." They still won't budge and continue to protest. Then DH will say, "it's not a big deal" and run up to get it himself. He told me this week that I was "mean" to his kids (one of whom is a complete PITA jerk right now), I reminded him of how they do nothing at our home and how he enables that by not requiring anything from them and then undermining me when I request something simple. Who would like hanging around those kids. 

thinkthrice's picture

are giving me flashbacks to when I  was lectured by Chef about putting grill marks on the 3 feral's hot dogs.   Eventually I disengaged and let chef cook for them.

 I don't get the selective ADHD thing where he can undermine you selectively.    Bet he wouldn't say that to a friend who was cooking dinner for his brats but then again we know the skid wouldn't say anything to said friend who was cooking dinner As it was a plot by the skid to disenfranchise you.

DPW's picture

Cover, I've followed your story for a long time. You need a break from all this. You put up with so much! If DH is pushing your boundaries again, I'd do everything to make him uncomfortable. I would not give an inch to your DH.