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Homecoming Dance

Crr18's picture

The Homecoming dance is today. Both skids are going . Neither child has told SO when they will be getting pictures if they need rides etc. SO has been hounding them because he will have to do something. But SO again withheld information because BM text and ask him if he was going to be able to help with SS because SD is getting her pictures at 3:45. I know that SO is withholding the information because he knows I will be ticked that BM is the one letting him know and he doesn't have the balls to stand up to her. Wish me luck because I don't know if I can keep my mouth shut. 


Survivingstephell's picture

Make some really hard to turn down plans today and invite him.  Then Go without him.  I'm sick and tired of his BS for you.  It's getting real old DH.  I couldn't handle the sneaky behavior from him.  His inability to be upfront with you just complicates his life.  I'm sure it's because of your reactions.  Kind of like teaching a kid that telling the truth is less painful then lying.   When he does tell his truth today , try just taking it in as a fact and use that fact to find something better to do.  It's called the 180.   

Lillywy00's picture

Nothing worse than when these men can stand up to everyone else but the calculating exes they divorced/ditched 

Good luck! 

And I don't know your situation but communicating your thoughts with him (him not wanting to get on your bad side) may restore his backbone. 

ndc's picture

The withholding info is just plain dishonest. You need to make SO more worried about you walking out the door for good because you can't trust him or tolerate him being BM's doormat than he is about BM. 

Crr18's picture

Things were going good until the kids started to have more activities again. I don't know what is acceptable anymore with the communication. It is probably okay because it is homecoming and there are two kids that need to be different places. We just had a blow up because he told me BM text him to say he will have to take SS where he needs to be while she takes SD.  I exploded because I said You have literally asked SS everyday several times a day  to tell you what is going on and instead of him telling you BM had to . So SS told BM but couldn't tell the person who would be responsible for him today.  SO said would I rather him not tell me she text because of how I act. I said you already keep stuff from me. I said you could be texting with her everyday. I don't know how to handle this anymore because it always comes out to screaming.  And I am the bad guy because he has to know what is going on with the kids and I don't understand. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It might just be that he is not a pleasant guy to date because of his situation. His kids have been raised without hearing the word "no". His BM sounds like she likes to be heavily involved with him either out of loneliness, desire to be relevant or important, or she is just a chaotic individual who would rather lean on someone else rather than be accountable for things herself. And your SO refuses to set limits out of guilt or fear, or he really does like the chaos because it makes him feel relevant or important. At some point you have to realize that instead of asking yourself what's wrong with you "I keep polishing and polishing this turd! There must be something wrong with me because it still stinks!" Or "Why do I still not like the way it smells?" Well, it's a turd. I am not criticizing you, because then i would be criticizing myself, since I have the same feelings as you about aspects of my situation. ETA i guess my point is that nobody would be happy about the things you describe. 

Crr18's picture

Things are going wrong quickly. Ugh. I had told him that I needed to know what time we had to leave to get SS so I could get a shower and be ready on time. He comes in from outside working around 2:30 and says what do you want for lunch then starts vacuuming because I wasn't done with my inside cleaning and then proceeds to say we have to get SS at 3:00. I said I won't be going you know I have to shower. He said I can't believe you aren't going is this what you think about me and my family. No azz I wanted to be clean.  He then decided it was time to yell at me that I don't care about him and his kids and I am not there for him. I said you obviously wanted the cleaning done and I didn't have time to shower. I said I can't clean for hours on end without taking a break.  He said I am always tired and if I would have gotten up earlier instead of always wanting to sleep in everything would have been done and I would have been ready. Then he tipped it off with . You don't take care of yourself anymore and that is why you are tired. I guess making me feel like a piece of trash helped him feel better.  Then he slammed doors and left to get SS. I jumped in the shower because I am now planning on going out and when I get out of the shower he is back at the house wanting me to take a picture of him with SS. I am dripping wet why would he come back and do this?  After he left I got ready and I am out and about until I can meet my friend for a drink or a dozen. 

Catmom024's picture

They're never wrong (unless BM or his kids say he's wrong), their kids are never wrong and BMs are never wrong.   We're always wrong. 

ndc's picture

Usually guys like this don't see how they're wrong until their partners are long gone and they finally realize that their kids don't give a damn about them. 

Survivingstephell's picture

He sets you up to fail every argument, every "test".  He needs to project his failed parenting onto you.  You then fall into the JADE pattern of justifying, arguing, defending then explaining.  He should be able to do his parenting alone, if he wanted to do it with a partner he should have stayed married to BM.  His expectations are unrealistic.  He's living in a fantasy world.  Every time you don't participate in it, he reacts to his bubble getting burst.  

Don't you deserve better?  You can't change  him.  He cannot sustain change, his dysfunction runs too deep.