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Communication between Husband and his ex

Eve01234's picture

First, I am well aware they need to speak about their son. Second, that's not the issue. My issue is that when she talks to him she has side conversations about extra stuff (her family, what she is going to do, details about everything). My husband doesn't share that info with me. Should that bother me? Why all the extra talk if it has nothing to do with the child. ( I find out about conversations because he eventually gives himself away) why hide it? He says it doesn't mean anything but then again why not just share it with me straight out. We have been married 4 years now. Anyways am I overreacting? 

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bananaseedo's picture

I don't think it's abnormal if they have a decent co-parenting relationship.  They shared a life at one point, their families were tied- sharing a few mundane things about family or future plans, or just normal things isn't that big of a deal.  As long as it isn't every day, or excessive I would be glad they are decent to eachother.  You could ask him to try and trim it up a bit if it gets more then a couple mins.

My ex and I were not amicable but had moments here and there of civility- during those times it was not unusual for us to ask about eachothers parents or siblings/extended family.  I cared for his family once-he was close to my parents at some points as well.   When discussing my sons mental health issues (my ex lives overseas) about 6 months ago, I asked about his family and his health (he was diagnosed with MS first but now they are saying Parkinsons)- he asked about mine.  Just a few mins.  Nothing crazy.

Only you know if it's in excess, if it takes up your time, if it's too friendly (she's sharing her dating life, personal stuff about herself, etc) - tell him it would make you feel more comfortable if he were honest about their conversations-because if he hides it it makes it weird.  Could be totally platonic and harmless or you can have a manipulative BM trying to cause trouble between you, or the other perspective is they haven't had a serious relationship w/someone else prior to you know what is/isn't acceptable in terms of boundaries with your exes.

Don't jump to conclusions, a little more background on the relationships between all of you and the kids would help also. 

Mamabearof3's picture

My DH BM would always try that with him. She wouldn't know she's on speaker phone and I'm listening. She is definitely not to be trusted that's for sure. Idk about your BM but figure it out. Tell DH to cut her off when she starts. 

Rags's picture

I was on the other line during every SoermClan call including telephone court hearings that the Judge directed I not participate in.

 

Rags's picture

He has no business speaking  with his X about anything but their kid.

If he wants to be his XW's confidant he has no business being in this relationship  with you.

lieutenant_dad's picture

My DH's ex shares random information anytime they interact. DH usually tells me, provided he was paying attention enough to recall what she said. Sometimes it's useful when she just words vomits because we can mentally prep for whatever f**kery may be coming our way. It happens less frequently now that the boys are teens and live with us, but DH will still get an earful when she calls to schedule pick up/drop off for YSS.

Have you talked to him about this? What was his response when you did? If you haven't talked to him about it, why not? 

For me, this doesn't throw up a bunch of red flags UNLESS he's spending large chunks of time talking to here, secretly slinking away to talk to her, hiding his phone and changing passwords on it, all of a sudden has stopped bring you to exchanges, etc.

Harry's picture

They divorced, only information about kids only. No exter stuff.  
The problem is that DH is playing the game either her,  he buying into this. Like how many times a week, month do the yard talk?  If CO  states pick up it at x time at x place. There no need to talk unless something changed.  Today s text would be enough.
 I am one who feels there little need for phone contact,  text is in writing,  do you have a record 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I am divorced and we definitely keep it as minimum as possible and only about the kids. We aren't married anymore and we aren't friends. We don't choose to hang out and if we enjoyed each other's company we would still be together. I wouldn't have left a marriage lightly. If there was any possibility of peacefully coexisting as a married couple, i think that's what's best for the kids and wouldn't have left. Also, if one person chose to leave and the other didn't want to break the marriage up, i think it's kind of cruel to be overly chatty and friendly and string them along or keep them somehow "on the line", preventing them from fully moving on.

ETA, to summarize, my opinion is to be all in or all out, except as necessary for the kids. Some people are more loose with their boundaries and relationships. To me, that's a major compatibility issue. 

hereiam's picture

I don't know, there's not sharing info because he just doesn't think about it, and then there is purposely hiding info because he knows it would cause a problem or that it's wrong. Which do you think it is? Do you think there is something between them?

I am not of the belief that all exes cannot ever talk about anything except the kids. We don't see that situation on this site much because a lot of us have spouses with high conflict exes.

BM, over here, is not a good person and DH would never, ever, just shoot the shit with her. She made our lives miserable and put DH through hell for many years. When she would try to talk to him about her personal life, he would hang up (he did warn her and she tried it, again, so he hung up). If she was a decent person, I probably wouldn't care about a little chit chat, here and there.

Not everybody gets divorced because they absolutely hate each other. Staying amicable doesn't mean they should have, or wanted to, stay together. Talking about things, besides the kids, doesn't necessarily mean anything.

What does your gut say?

 

Esperanza's picture

I think it depends on the type of relationship they have and the type of person they are. If BM is not a crazy, high conflict, lunatic for example. If you trust your DH or you feel in your gut he is up to something. Also, some people divorce and stay friends. Me and my exH split up amicable and we are close friends. So we often talk about mundane things such as how is the family, etc etc. However my DH is also friends with my exH so there's no secrecy, he is part of the interactions etc, they text each other aometimes as well. 
If your partner is lying or keeping information from you then that's a different story 

Hannah32's picture

When two people with children split up, I think 'social norms' for a break up are muddied. In a break up without children, each partner goes their seperate ways to 'heal' from the loss of the break up. When children are involved it stops the healing/grief process, as they have a remaining tie/bond to the previous relationship in the form of the children.

I believe it takes much longer for both parties to realise 'their new roles' in the co-parenting relationship and no longer being in a 'couple relationship'. Therefore sometimes thing's such as discussions about each others personal lives will arise as they would have in a relationship. 

In my instance BM often overshares with my OH about her love life and drama with her family as a bit of a pity plea. My partner doesn't share every interaction with me but this has since stopped since she became very HC. The only time I got angry was when I found out he had engaged in a conversation on being asked about whether 'he ever loved BM' with her, which I found wildly inappropriate. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

My ex DH did that with BM. He is now with her .

FOLLOW YOUR GUT

I am not saying this will be you. BUT there is no good dang reason to converse with her AND hide it from you. He may still be emotionally involved. That can be very dangerous.