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life... is not safe... I get it. lesson learned.

fightingforpeeace's picture

I am to write again.

therapy says I have to write again. this blog counts. and I need the support anyways. cause coocoo for coco puffs here.

my oldest son is 24, black, and a model. Monday night, he was working for the accociated press (photographer as well, some of his images are all over from the Portland protests). he was blindsided by a cops baton. he submitted until he realized the beatings were not going to stop. he escaped and came to my house bruised the eff up. huge black eye and cuts all over his face. I do not say this for any other reason than to express the devastation and the utter torn feelings I have to all of this going on. all of this meanness. I served in the military. I know what I sacrificed and what I sacrificed it for... for him. we left nebraska 11 years ago because of bruises and beatings. white single mom with a black kid in a small town. I was a disgrace to some of them there. so much so... we were harassed and threatened and attacked. my own home town. my own people. 

I say this... because I am correlating, trying to make sense of this nonsense. the SS in plural of four, they come from parents with money. grandparents with money. health insurance. child support payments. extra things bought and given and ... the most upsetting... the resources they can use because of status and money and insurance. things I never had a shot at ... living in a van by a river for 3 months, to roach infested trailer parks, to low income housing. putting food on the table, or ability to buy diapers, or a ride to the doctor 10 miles away with no car... not always enough pennies in the pocket to make it after i was disabled in the military.

instead... like nebraska.... like that cop. the behavior is unrelenting, endless in capacity. the hot summer heat never ceasing... sun doesn't wanna go down cause the burn is what one deserves... make sure it's scarred the skin enough to freckle out leaving long term cancerous consequences to mingle inside of you. to let you know... rain ain't coming for ya cause you belong to burning. this is what it feels like. 

when it wasn't the endless campaigns of unsafe actions in military life, it was the consequences from it. when it wasn't experiencing true hate for nothing but rage and revenge and effed up views, it was the consequences ... long term damages from it. when it wasn't the attacks from my own people, it was the constant harassment of this BM and the violence her children pose to each other, their father, their grandmother, school and me, just trying to survive... they are in their own battle.  and I could go on and on.

depressed? check

PTSD? got it! totally got that t-shirt at the age of 19. now 46.

Feel like everyone is after me? well doggonnit... might as well pop a neon sign above my head saying "paranoid!!"... cause yeah... burning crosses in your yard and cray cray exes doin stupid sh..? unrelenting. 

the racism followed us. and meanness is the acceptable behavior now too.

life.  is not safe. lesson learned.

I'd be cool if we just go ahead and stop teaching me that lesson now ... whaddya say big guy? ya know... not saying you can't teach me that lesson again... but vacay for like... ever now? but I'll take two weeks. two weeks and I'll be ready for more beatings and threats and invasions and death and sicknesses and mental illness and rejection and courts and relationships falling apart.. ... all that jazz... promise. just two weeks, then you can show me how mean everybody is to each other again. 

or... if that's too much... how about you teach me how to endure a bit better... just enough to get me through this sh**storm and just lemme gaze at the silver lining at the back end of it for a moment. promise ... I won't touch the lining. I don't deserve one is what I'm learning... just a look at not all this meanness stuff.

Comments

bananaseedo's picture

Whoa hon, that's a ROUGH deal to be dealt in life.  This world is crazy and people are crazier.  There is so much wrong and so much evil and hate. So much of it seems a punishment. 

I've had a VERY rough go in life starting at a young age with my exh.....the last decade seems to be so full of tragedies and wrongdoings coming my families way.  

I used to feel like you do, resenting and angry at God -the God my parents raised me to believe in, an ever involved being in every moment of our lives...I thought praying to stop the pain could work, or healing or what have you- and when it didn't happen I was angry and felt that if that was the kind of God he was I wanted no part of it.  This led me to a very crucial spiritual journey of examining my beliefs.  I couldn't believe in a cruel God like this, but I just grew up in that faith and it 'carried' me other times, but it no longer made SENSE to me. So in my time searching I encountered Deism-  and it made SO much more sense to me.    And would you know- my life hasn't gotten better, but it hasn't gotten worse for abandoning my childhood faith- in fact I no longer feel that despair or ill with a supreme being anymore and it has been LIBERATING in ways I cannot describe.  I'm not trying to desuades anyones faith but for me -seeing the suffering in this world-seeing all the horrors done in name of religion,  the idea of a detached God makes so much more sense then a personal God that just ignores and allows it with the promise that "one day we will all understand His plan".  

 https://blog.usejournal.com/the-case-for-deism-7b95281d079 (this is a simple explanation- a lot of our Founding Fathers were Deists) 

StepUltimate's picture

As an alternate to the above deism suggestion, should you be so inclined, one of my BFF's told me years ago that when I'm in trouble, call spiritual 911 = Psalm 91:1​​, and start reading:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2091&version=NKJV 

It helps me greatly.

Another thought is the flight attendant demo - you need oxygen 1st before you can assist your loved ones. It sounds like you need a break from the stress before it breaks you. My heart is broken for your son being assaulted! I pray for his safety & healing. 

BethAnne's picture

I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with so much hardship, pain and hatred. It sounds like an overwhelming amount to deal with. I hope that your therapist will be able to help you to find pockets of joy and help you to claim a safe place of your own where you can feel at peace. 

It is terrifying having loved ones who can be persecuted by the police and public alike just for existing. Give your son a big hug and let him know there are many of us out here who know that he matters and admire his bravery for trying to shine a journalistic light on what is happeing. 

CLove's picture

Here in California we have different issues. My heart breaks for you and your son.

Im glad that you are here. And your writing it all out. Stay with us.