Visiting SS13 Saturday, could use some input

I deleted my old account and changed my name slightly. We are going down to visit SS13 this weekend and I could use some advice on how to handle it. Let me give you a bit of background.

SS13 lived with SO up tell about 6-8 months ago. About a year ago SS went from being a pretty average kid, to being a raging hellion. He started failing school, lying, stealing, being incredibly disrespectful, looking at porn constantly and we both really started butting heads. After a couple incidents of him acting incredibly aggressive towards me I backed off completely. I disengaged and left SO to handle it. Unfortunately that didn't seem to work and this whole hot mess came to a head when SS told us that he would no longer listen to either us, wouldn't do his chores, would do what he wanted and that we were to leave him alone. SO said hell no and called up SS's BM.

Prior to this BM had an awful tract record, and SS had serious issues with her. I understand that SO should NOT have sent SS to live with BM, that was a mistake but not my kid not my choice. Following SS moving out, everything was blamed on me. I actually left SO for a time so that he could pull his head out of his a$$ and realize that there was no one to blame but himself. We eventually talked everything through each of us has owned up to our mistakes, because yes I made some too, and we have been happier then ever.

Since living with BM SS has spoken to SO maybe a handful of times, has not seen SO at all. SS grandfather had gone down to see him. We have had a really hard time getting in contact with BM to arrange speaking to SS or visiting with him. I really don't know if she is playing games or what, but I know that SO has tried to contact his son and has failed.

A couple of days ago SS grandfather (I'll call him FIL) came down and told SO that SS wanted to see him this weekend. Both of us were shocked, nothing from the kid then out of the no where I want to see my Dad. This is a good thing, they need to see each other. If it was up to me they would set up a schedule for calls, for visits for everything. Again not my kid. I assumed that SO would go by himself to give him some one on one time with SS so they could work out what ever issues they have. Well it turns out that SO wants me to go as well. I will go because I need to support him how ever he needs me to, but I don't think its a good idea. Part of me is worried that SS is going to be an a$$ if I am there, or that BM will pitch a fit that I am there. Or that the kid will continue the "its all flipings fault, she is nasty evil wicked Step mommy with a giant wart" nonsense.

Anybody have any advice on how I can handle this. I will be going because SO wants me to, but how to deal with the skid if he is being an ass. How do I keep my emotions off of my face, and how do I deal with BM if she starts accusing me of god knows what. If skid ends up coming home with us how can I go about setting realistic boundaries with SO and SS. I don't want a repeat of what has already happened.

Also I have been reading the crazy ones blogs... I started laughing out loud in my accounting class. Holy crap the crazy is strong in that one.

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I also do not think it's a

I also do not think it's a good idea for you to visit with SO and SS. It's too early in their reconciliation. Would you be able to still go with SO but stay at the hotel? That way you could still be there to support SO but also give SO and SS some space?

I feel the same way, SO needs

I feel the same way, SO needs to spend one on one time so that they can work through whatever issues they have. Unfortunately its a day trip, not an overnight trip. If it was I would definitely try that though. I am assuming that we are going to go down there and pick him up and take him to lunch or something. Maybe I can disappear and go for a walk, or get them to walk down the board walk and decide to linger in a store or something. Its not ideal, but if I tell SO that I will not go it may cause a fight, there's a good chance he will perceive me not going as not supporting him.

You know what, maybe I can find a cheap hotel and ask SO if he wants to make a weekend out of it.

Not a good idea. We had a

Not a good idea. We had a similar situation and now DH sees SD19 alone. I haven't seen her in two years...This will not well if you go. He needs to see his kid himself...

We talked a little last

We talked a little last night. I am going as well as FIL. I brought up the hotel idea and he shot that down. The good news is that BM will not show her ass if FIL is there. For some reason she is much more cooperative with him then SO.

Also SO spoke with SS and BM last night, she was very cooperative, answered the phone immediately and had SS call SO back promptly. (SS was eating when he first called.) This may not be as bad as I was thinking.

If things go badly then I will NOT be going back down there. But SO wants me too, and I can't say no to this. I think he is very nervous and wants me there as back up.

I hadn't really thought of it

I hadn't really thought of it that way. SO may be trying to make a point to SS that I am here to stay regardless of what SS says.

I may just be turning this into a big deal in my head. It may go smoothly and it may even be enjoyable. Or it is going to be a nightmare. One thing that I noticed is that while SO was on the phone with SS he did not mention me coming. He told SS that him and grandpa were coming. I think SO may want to see how SS reacts to me being there while FIL is present. I am just not looking forward to seeing BM or SS. Not going to lie part of it is vanity... lol. I'm currently a bit of a chunky monkey and to top it off I woke up with some pimples!

I just need to remember that regardless of what is said that I am here to stay and that I have done everything I can to help SS and to support SO in parenting. I always deferred to him. Also that SS is a teenager and it is way easier for him to blame me then it is for him to blame his parents. And if for some reason SO starts being a prick due to something SS says... He knows where the door is. The new lease is in my name, and frankly I am capable of moving my shit out and getting a studio for me and my dog. I am secure enough in myself (thanks to some help from ST) that I know I don't deserve to be blamed for SO and BM's parenting fuckups.

flipping, dont stress. my dh

flipping, dont stress. my dh doesnt mention whether or not i'll be with him because it's just assumed where he goes, i go. where he's welcomed, so is his other half. maybe that's why your dh only mentioned gdad.

dont worry about the vanity part, just wear something that makes you feel fabulous. bm and ss are always going to imagine the giant nose-wart, pointy hat and broomstick regardless. meh. your SO goes to bed at night with YOU.

yes ss is always going to blame you for imagined $#it instead of his own parents. it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with HIM.

i know u're not married, but committed, so the vows kinda mean the same - "the two shall become one". just be there for your man, after the h3ll this kid's put him thru for the last few months i'm sure he needs your presence for security.

Thanks Tuff. I am way

Thanks Tuff. I am way overthinking this. And your right, f*ck it. It wouldn't matter is I was a fashion model SS and BM would still think of me as the wicked witch, and frankly SO likes the chunk (maybe not sooo much chunk as I have lol). SS will always blame me for something, he is just a kid who has had a rough life with parents who didn't know what the h*ll they were doing. And your right, we are committed. He is mine, I am his and regardless we need to be there for each other.

I forgot how cathartic and helpful posting on ST is. I need to do this more often! This site has helped me through so much.