The birthday party & being approached about BM
Yesterday was our friends' child's birthday party at their home and my bf, SD, and I all went. Their child is turning 7 years old while SD is turning 4, actually their birthdays are on the exact same day.
So about an hour into the party, my bf and I are sitting on their deck watching SD go down the slip n slide with the other kids, when this woman who was sitting at a table at the bottom of the deck stairs came up to bf and I asking if SD's name was *SD's name* more speaking to me, who was closer to her than bf. So I told her yes her name was that. Then she was like "My name is *blank* and I know *SD*, my kid plays with *SD* and *BM's older child* all the time. I am good friends with *BM* and see them every week. I haven't seen *SD* in over a month though." .... I was caught totally off guard and this is a birthday party for my friends' child at their house so I was like okay, hello, very politely because I am not causing drama or a scene right now.... Then she turns to my bf and says "Are you *SD*'s father?" .... bf like me didn't want to cause a scene at this birthday party so he just says hello, I am.... Then the woman walks away.
Shortly after, my friend (wife)comes out phone on her, so I text her just telling her, btw that woman is friends with BM and just came over here bringing her up, etc. My friend felt really bad because she had no idea, she just works with this woman's husband. I felt bad telling her during the party, but I don't know this woman and I don't want next thing you know she to ask my friend about us and my friend give her any details (harmless ones, but still), because my friend has no idea what just happened and who she knows.
Then for the next 2 hrs, this woman kept getting near us, but we did not want any part of it. They were about to do cake and while bf is getting SD a drink I get SD settled in a seat to which this woman's kid sits right next to SD, fine whatever, but then the woman stands next to me and tries to talk to me, making general statements in my direction looking for a response. To which I did not turn and look at her or respond to her. You're friends with BM and couldn't help yourself but to come up to me and bf throwing BM's name around and her older kid like there is no drama there or things are remotely okay, yeah lady, stay the f**k away from us. Then bf luckily comes back stands between us with his back to her.
After cake, you know what comes next, presents. Luckily the way their house is set up, we had SD sit on the couch with the rest of the kids while we stood in the attached sitting room with our two friends who were hosting the party and the woman was in the other room. About 10 mins into presents, SD keeps messing with her dress, she had shorts on, but we are still trying to teach her how to act like a lady in a dress, so bf goes over to SD to tell her to stop playing with her dress. The woman then says to bf "Oh I was just about to do that, hahahahahahaha..." Bf gave her he said the dirtiest look he possibly could in response to that and came back into the sitting room. Like excuse me? No you will not correct SD or anything of the sort. If that is how you are with BM, whatever, but we are not BM, we don't like you because you are friends with BM, and stop addressing any of us because if it were anywhere else, we would not of been as polite as we were.
While opening presents, our friend (the husband) asks how long we are staying, to which I told him about the situation because I did not want him to think we were trying to be rude or standoffish the whole party so I said probably would be leaving pretty soon because we were pretty uncomfortable especially when this woman is not taking the hint or she doesn't care. So he felt bad also because he had no idea. So we again reassured them we knew there was no way they knew, but just wanted them to be aware. Actually this woman left with her husband and kid right after presents so that was good at least and we were the last ones to leave the party.
Needless to say my bf and I were pretty heated about the nerve of this woman though. It would of been one thing to just ask about SD being SD then saying oh my kid and SD play together sometimes and left it at that, but no, she had to mention BM by name and BM's older kid by name, then say about not seeing her for a month and then ask bf if he is SD's dad. Like b***h clearly I am not BM so we did not just kidnap SD off the side of the road and take her to a birthday party. I personally felt a little disrespected because I felt like she was trying to rub it in or something, then she even more so disrespected bf, and trust me any other place that would of happened, she would of gotten a whole different response from us, but we respect our friends and aren't going to make a scene during their kid's party.
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Comments
Nosy
My take on it is this person was just being nosy, perhaps looking for something she could gossip about. I think you handled it well. People just love any hint of potential drama.
Yeah probably
To me if you are friends with BM then you are either stupid or a terrible person so I have zero desire to be near anyone who is claiming to be close to and spend time with BM. No thanks!
BM has probably fed this lady
BM has probably fed this lady some line about the kind of person your BF is, and when reality doesn't align with fiction, the woman is having to come to grips with that. She might even be having some guilt about things she thought or said.
DH had similar run-ins with BM's "friends" back when they'd do joint parties and whatnot. Hard for BM to paint DH as a deadbeat when he shows up and pays for things. Those "friendships" didn't seem to last terribly long.
But back on topic. What I mentioned is Possibility #1. Possibility #2 is that she doesn't know the drama (quite possible) and is trying to befriend SD's other parent like normal folks would. Possibility #3 is she is now a spy for BM, and any/every thing that happened at that party has been relayed back to BM. Possibility #4 is she knew BF was SD's dad and she's just stirring the pot because she's exactly like BM.
Any way you slice it, you all handled it as best you could. You now know that someone is playing on BM's team, and that's good info to have.
Oh I 100%
bet she has. That is why bf did not drink anything while at the party because he was not giving any ammunition or anything for BM to twist to what fits for her.
She may not know the drama, but she knows enough that BM & bf are not together anymore and enough to ask if she is SD's dad, not if she was BM's older child & SD's dad.
I feel like it is probably 3 or 4, or a combo of both!
I mean in a way it was better I guess to know BM is friendly with this person, but if she left it at my kid plays with Duska sometimes, than we would of been able to put two and two together because bf and I do not know this woman or her child. That is why I feel like she was trying to make one or both of us uncomfortable by mentioning BM and her kid by name more than once, then asking if bf was her dad, when clearly I am not BM, haha.... Either way, anyone who associates with BM and calls her "friend" we want no interaction with whatsoever. Needless to say our friends will not be inviting them to any parties from here on out, lol.
I wonder how you can spin "so
I wonder how you can spin "so I cheated on my husband and passed off the child as his then took it away" in a way that makes you come off as a decent person while painting the dad as a deadbeat. The lady must be as cracked as BM if they're buddies
So
You know what is funny, I have asked my bf the same thing! His theory is BM is sticking to the I was raped while he was deployed story, that she told bf this and he accepted it, UNTIL he decided to divorce her, then he wanted no part of the kid anymore. That is bf’s theory, which to me is really the only thing that makes sense because I wondered how she spins it too that people could possibly think badly of him when she is the one that was married for just under 5 years, the child was 3, bf is not the father of this child, but the father of the younger one, so people do the math.
The problem is that now
The problem is that now either possibility 1 and 2 combined with being rudely ignored and chastised by OP and her boyfriend will most likely lead to possibility 3. If I met one of my friends/aquantances ex's and they were that rude to me I would probably mention it to my friend when I next saw them.
How were we rude?
We both answered her two questions, introduced ourselves, and were polite when she approached us. Did we ignore her afterwards? Yes, but you brought up the ex wife, the child that was ripped away from my bf, and that you are friends with BM, so by our not desire to not interact with her after this, we were most definitely not rude. We most definitely did not chastise her. Again, she knew enough to ask if he was SD's father, not "their" father or SD and BM's older child's father.
Ignoring someone deliberately
Ignoring someone deliberately multiple times is a form of rudeness and I consider the dirty look she was given a form of chastisement. If you want to call it something else, that is fine.
You and your boyfriend are still dealing with raw emotions with the divorce only official by a few weeks. I get why you did what you did.
I imagine in a few years time though if something similar happened you two will have developed a less hostile apporach to people who mention his ex and her other daughter. Other people aren't always going to think of your pain before they speak and recognizing that sometimes wounds are poked accidentally will help you to stop seeing enemies and bad intentions in potentially innocent conversations. There are way to keep from revealing sensitive information and change the subject but carry on a polite conversation.
So you think
we should of played nice and interacted with said woman who probably was told horrible things about my bf. Most likely, BM even said that bf and I were together before they separated etc.? I don't think so. I think given the situation we were extremely polite. We introduced ourselves, answered her questions, etc. It was not our home, was not our party, we did not invite any interaction with her and I don't think because we did not want to interact with someone who is friends with BM makes us rude.
Well, it is not this womans place to tell SD to stop playing with her dress, it is not her place to tell SD anything, so no it was not chasticement, it was this woman clearly has boundary issues and neither of us are putting up with it.
There are no raw emotions, but we have zero desire to have anything to do with BM or anyone who is "friends" or associates of BM. She is a terrible person and we have a right to want no part of anything having to do with her.
And no we will not. BM is a TERRIBLE person for what she did regarding the older daughter and anyone who thinks it is a topic to bring up to bf is a f**ked individual. There will forever be the separation from BM and anyone/anything having to do with her except for SD, that is it.
EDIT: Especially when BM posts on social that she is an abuse survivor, etc. from bf, hell to the no, anyone who is over here buying BM's twisted story to paint herself as the victim, I am not interested in interacting with, whatsoever. Before you ask, yes she is a friend with BM on social media, I checked because I was like are they really friends or is she just saying that because she "knows" her. No thanks, I don't want you knowing anything about me or us for you to talk about.
I am just pointing out there
I am just pointing out there is more than one way to skin a cat. I get why you both did what you did.
The woman was trying to start
The woman was trying to start something. If the woman knows BM, then she didn't need to ask if either one was BD or SM. The woman obviously knew of the situation or she would've asked 'Where is OSD?'
If the woman was making small talk or introducing herself, the polite thing is 'Hello, I'm A and I know BM and the SDs. Our kids play together all the time. Nice to meet you.' Then you go about your own business.
My approach to people got more hostile after time. I was nice to ppl that I knew were friends of BM and then I found out the lies the bitch told about me. I completely ignore BM or any of her posse.
OP can be as rude as she wants as she doesn't have to interact with the woman again. Her friend felt bad for inviting them but she obviously didn't know they knew BM.
That is a very good point
Outside of specifically asking if bf was SD's father, she did not ask where the older child was, so she knows more than she was trying to let on!
Exactly, would not of been mad at that, but adding the rest of it together, 100% was trying to stir up drama, get info, or gossip. We want no part of it, whatsoever!
Like I said if it were anywhere else, she would not of gotten as polite of a conversation from us, that I can gurantee.
I mean I am glad to know for future, especially since her husband is also a marine and it is good for our friend who works with him to know so she doesn't share any info we wouldn't want shared. Just happy it is over and done with!
I do think there is a
I do think there is a possibility that the woman was just making some odd "small talk connection" and maybe didn't even know of the subtext of drama... her child may have played with SD.. but not be close enough friends with BM to understand what is going on. and sometimes people say the obvious things.. like "you must be their stepmother".. yess.. if you know BM.. you know I am not the mom.. lol
I would buy that
if she didn't know to specifically only ask if bf was SD's dad, not the other child's dad. Plus add in with BM posting about being an abuse survivor, etc. on social media. Sure, maybe she didn't see these posts, but I think she knows more than she wanted us to know she knew. It would be diferent if it was a school event SD and the other child attended or something, but I got the feeling she tried to play dumb to see what our responses would be. Which we gave her zero info other than our name, yes that is SD, and yes, bf is SD's dad. lol
But haha that is funny, like obviously that is what things are, but since you need confirmation of the obvious...
I don't think you were rude
I don't think you were rude at all. This woman clearly cannot pick up obvious social cues. You and your SO are both adults and don't have to socialize with anyone you don't want to. No explanation needed. Altough it's pretty clear why you wouldn't want to socialize with this woman who is a friend of HCBM. She likely was only trying to make conversation to take gossip and info back to BM. Good job not feeding the beast.
Exactly!
We were not giving any ammunition nor did we want to know anything about her either.
I had to have temporary child
I had to have temporary child care earlier this year and it turned out the babysitter knows BM and has seen BM's facebook diary of fictional abuse. Her kids used to play with my stepkids on BMs time. I was like if you are friends with her I will take my child elsewhere. I didn't want BM to have access to my child in person or via the babysitter posting pics. She re-assured me they were not friends and blocked her on Facebook in front of me. I asked her not to tell her kids that my kid was related to my stepkids. Im still apprehensive about it.
Oh my, that would make me
Oh my, that would make me skeptical and apprehensive about it too! Hopefully this woman is truthful about it and if she was smart she would not want to jeopardize her business by lying about being friends with BM. It would be one thing if bf or in your situation DH, was amicable with BM and BM was not spouting lies about abuse and such, but BM’s in both situation have lied and probably still lie about our SO’s, so no matter how much time passes, it is within their and our own right to not wan to interact with BM or anyone associated with BM, ever.
I can guarantee that she does
I can guarantee that she does not know that BM opted to take away BF's rights to older child, because BM herself does not think that's how it happened, she's said that multiple times. She tells people that she offered for him to continue to be part of the child's life and he refused.
She might not have said bad stuff - we were surprised that BM did not do that - she coached SS to do it for her, much more believable if it comes from the kid.
No I bet
BM played it off as bf just threw the child away since he was leaving her, painting him as the bad guy.
I don't buy she doesn't say bad stuff since she posts all over social media about being an abuse survivor and how she should of gotten out of this horrible marriage, how she was terrorized, etc.
Even if she tells people she offered that, how did the child come into existence when you were married but had another man's child? There is no way BM positively spins the story where she is not painting bf as the villain to get sympathy.
Right, just saying she
Right, just saying she offered but he refused is making him the villain. Of course, she's always going to be the victim in every story. But she might not just go around telling details to every person who plays with her kid - posting on social media is different than having to face questions from someone face-to-face.