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Boundaries with BM

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

So I have posted on here a few times about my “friend,” the SM who gets a little too involved in contact with BM, stirs the pot with BM, and doesn’t always think about how the actions she wants to do towards BM really could hurt not only her DH’s custody case, but also really the SD. I was torn about posting about her again because from the last one I had come to the decision from everyone’s feedback to not spend time or energy on the drama when she has not taken the advice I have given in the past. However, her phone call last night and reading another poster’s progress with her DH, made me realize how grateful I am certain issues my bf and I sorted out/dealt with pretty early on and how they are a non-issue now.

 

So my friend texts me last night and asks if she can call me real quick she needed to vent on her way home from work, so I said sure I can listen. So my friend goes on to vent about how her and her DH had decided:

  1. To allow BM and SD to talk every Tuesday & Friday between 5 pm – 6 pm for 15 minutes
  2. When the 15 minutes were up that the phone call was done no matter what until the next call day
  3. That DH was to share any messages from BM with her, not have to ask to find out if BM messaged
  4. To not text BM to discuss anything that was not necessary about SD

 

Well my friend, SM was pissed because guess what? None of the things they decided and agreed on were followed. SM was mad because she tried to call her DH at 4:50, but couldn’t get through because SD was already on the phone with her mom. Then after 15 mins passed, SM tried calling DH again which SD ignored SM’s call 6 times. DH did not tell her BM messaged him, DH told BM that he wouldn’t talk to her on the phone to discuss anything, but he would text her, etc. So basically my friend was really irritated, rightfully so with her DH. Plus BM messaged on 4th of July saying that they should try and work together and be civil, no drama, etc. and Happy 4th of July. So SM was definitely not thrilled about this because they have heard it all before many many times and nothing ever changes. To BM’s benefit I will agree that SM does not help decrease the drama, for sure. The only thing I told her is that I understand her frustrations because in the beginning of me and bf, we had similar issues, not exactly the same, but things that needed to be discussed and worked out to decide what was best for us and what we needed.

 

Not my business, everyone does their own things, but personally some of these issues I believe they should have worked out prior to getting married, but I don’t know if BM just up’ed her games and high conflict after she found out they got married or what. I am grateful though that 2 years in, we do not have any of these issues in our relationship, not saying we are perfect because that is definitely not true, but that instead of fighting very often like SM and her DH over BM drama/issues, we have nothing to fight about in that department currently.

 

So just wanted to say I am thankful that:

  1. My bf tells me whenever BM messages or anything without me having to ask. Usually if I am not there beside him he screenshots the messages to me just so he does not forget to tell me.
  2. We both agreed 15 minutes of phone time with BM on his visitation time and since we decided this, has been followed every time (BM has also only called 3 times since June 1), 15 minutes is still pretty long for a 3 year old, but we don’t want any drama so whatever, it is only 1 every other week anyway right now
  3. Bf does not communicate with BM anymore than necessary, does not answer messages that do not require an answer and does not engage with her in anyway beyond the minimum he needs to say. This was not really an issue with us, just sometimes I felt like he was oversharing with BM, like in the beginning if he wanted to switch a day or something, he would tell BM more details than she needed to know
  4. When bf and I discuss something regarding custody, BM, etc. I know he will follow through with it, not just tell me what I want to hear
  5. BM has not wished bf a “happy” anything on any holiday or tried to give him anything since she tried on Valentine’s Day this year when bf refused to take it and told her he wants nothing from her and to not try and gift him anything again

 

Due to all these things, BM does not blow up his phone, try to talk about things outside of SD, or anything like that because the boundaries were put into place pretty early on. However, I would not be surprised if she tries to push these boundaries, but I do know that my bf and I are on the same page about them.

 

EDIT: You know that DH has poor boundaries with BM and trying to placate her and SD when my bf without being prompted by me or hearing my opinion, just me relaying details, says that he basically is choosing his ex's happiness over his wife's. Followed by saying why did he divorce her if he was just going to do what BM wants and that he puts BM and SD on a pedestal, etc. Which I was like wooohoo bf you get it and realize it's wrong too, I'm so proud of you. Hahaha 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

I guess it depends on the friend's stepdaughter whether those limits on calls with the child are reasonable or not.  15 minutes might be a long time for a 3 yo.. but an older child may have more to share iwith their other parent.  

I mean, I understand that the goal is that the other parent shouldn't be able to monopolize the time that should be spent with the parent they are visiting (or schoolwork/sleeping/eating).. but I don't think it's a huge issue for children to have reasonable contact with their parents no matter which house they are physically staying in at the moment. 

But, it should be the bio parent pushing for the boundaries with their EX.. technically the SP doesn't have a huge dog in this fight unless it is literally preventing them from doing something they need to do.

I also feel that a partner should be "open" about communication, but I am not sure I ever felt the need to know word for word what was in the texts about pickups or the "where is my moneys".  I get that I would not like for my DH to be having conversations and niceties not related to my skids.. but to a certain extent.. we can't control what BM does.. so all her SO can do is not respond unless it is child related I guess.  But, how quickly does he have to inform her of the text?  the instance it happens?  the next time he talks on the phone.? or next time they see in person? or within a day or so?  IDK.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

The child is 6, turning 7 on the same day as my SD actually. I don't think 15 minutes is too unreasonable for a 6 year old, but this is also a BM that is used to being able to be in constant communication with her child, so anything under that she has a problem with. 

In my bf's CO it literally says "reasonable communication," but their's is either every day or every other day at 5 pm. So what I have told her before when I learned this is anything that does not follow the CO even if BM does it too, is just going to hurt them because they are not following the CO either, so can't get mad at BM for not following the phone calls section in the CO.

I do agree with that! I have not a clue what is a reasonable amount of time for him to tell her is, I wasn't getting into it. All I said was there were times bf in the past would forget to tell me BM messaged something I would of wanted to know and he simply forgot because he was waiting to tell me in person. I think a big part of it is BM in SM's situation calls SM some really nasty things. However, her DH does not stand up for her when BM does this. My bf and I personally feel as though sometimes he choses BM over SM because he rather not start drama with BM and hurt his wife instead. Not any of my business though! Just happy that we do not have issues like that going on!

advice.only2's picture

Your friend has a DH problem, like most all of the people on here. Allegedly boundaries were set that aren't being followed, it's not the kids job to enforce those boundaries. The DH is blowing off his wife's feelings to placate his ex and daughter. Next time you talk to your friend, tell her nothing is going to change unless and until DH does.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I said until DH decides to follow what you guys agreed to and stop giving into the ex that they will have issues. SM then said I know it almost feels like I need him to sign a contract or something for him to follow through, he just tells me what I want to hear than blows me off. 

So she knows it is a DH problem, just can't figure out how to make it stop/change

kd622's picture

I had to tell my DH that boundaries needed to be set with BM, he didn't get it until I spelled it out for him. If  SS10 suddenly shows up on a Friday for a 5 day visit that wasn't previously planned and I ask why and I am told becasue BM says she was dropping him off I have an issue. This means to me that you are more concerned with what she wants than asking me if I even mind that he come for visit. I have told DH that he has to be there when SS gets picked up or dropped off by BM, I want nothing to do with her and will not be the middle man. If my opinion in regard to my SS doesn't matter than I want no part in raising him.

tog redux's picture

Honestly, some day you will long to have your BF not tell you one word that BM says.  As ESMOD said, all of this should really be dealt with by the bio parent, and the SM shouldn't worry too much about it.

Your friend sounds a bit controlling.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Because the divorce and custody battle is over. BM also isn’t messaging about “family” or any other stupid nonsense trying to get us to fight anymore either. Only thing I care about right now is when she asks to call so we can decide what day/time works best for our upcoming schedule. Other than that, don’t care. Don’t care to listen to the phone call with SD and BM either. Bf listens for parts of it to ensure she isn’t trying to play games with SD, but that is about it. We have zero desire about any of it anymore, it is done and over with.

 

Yes, my friend is definitely controlling. Personally, I don’t think she should of gotten with anyone who was married before even though she was herself and especially not someone who has a kid with someone else. Still like her as a person and what not, but she definitely spends too much time and energy on BM and what she is doing. I told bf if I were her and he was doing nothing, then I would tell him “sorry not sorry, but you lost your right to complain about anything related to BM or SD because you refuse to do anything about it.” To which he agreed. Their BM is crazy and high conflict like ours is, but in different ways, and it is as bad as it is because the DH lets it get that way and SM crosses boundaries that make it worse. That is just my opinion though.

tog redux's picture

Right - you need to care as far as it affects you, but otherwise, let your BF handle it. You trust your BF - sounds like your friend doesn't trust her DH.

And you are right - her DH needs to deal with his ex, and she needs to step back and not get involved.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

which to a point I don't blame her because he tells her one thing, but then does the opposite. My bf has done nothing to make me not trust him, in fact he has done nothing except prove I can.

Yeah, I told her that her messaging BM on DH's phone doesn't help anything, except make things worse. Blocking BM on everything is another example of that. I told her that there have been things I have wanted to do or wanted to say, but know it would not help anything and wasn't worth it so I didn't. Where she doesn't really care because BM says and does awful stuff. Only difference here is she is the BM so the courts can address that, but a judge is not going to be happy that SM is causing more drama. However, she didn't listen to me before about it so I am not going to repeat myself on it. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I agree that if one partner constantly feels the need to monitor the other, there is a problem. I'm torn, though.

On the one hand, are those who say that if a man wants boundaries with his ex, he will set them whether or not he is in a relationship, or change them to respect a new relationship. That trying to control a partner is wrong, and we should let him deal with his ex as he sees fit and trust him.

But others say that men will do things solely based on their comfort and convenience and will get away with whatever they are allowed to. That if we don't make it more painful to upset us than the ex, the ex will always come first.

Are there really men out there who will put their current partner before their ex, without being made to? I bet they are all taken by women who never needed to post here lol! 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I think there is nothing wrong with pointing out where boundaries are lacking especially if after BM, they did not have a serious relationship with anyone. However if it needs to constantly be pointed out and things do not change then your SO is not interested in putting you or your relationship first. Men can be dense and especially if they never had to put anyone else first and they are comfortable in the way things have been, truly he may not realize what he is doing. Especially if they were together with BM for a long time or they have been single for a long time. But if the man says that you're right and validates you're thoughts and feelings then his actions match the words, just because you had to point it out doesn't mean necessarily he didn't want boundaries with the ex just was blinded to the situation. So it's really a gray area.

 

I have to say, I have never felt with my bf that he put BM before me. Thinking on the last two years, I really can't come up with any examples of when he didn't. I'm sure there were times that I may of felt that way due to insecurity of there being someone he married and had kids with before me, but it wasn't what was really happening or I would remember it.