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New Update: CPS, BM, & Divorce

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

Unfortunately, this is not a happy update about where things are after about 2 weeks since CPS got involved. So let's start there first, the CPS worker did her home visit on Thursday. She looked around for about 3 minutes and then told my bf there is no evidence of abuse and since her staff meetings are on Thursday mornings, by Friday (this Friday now) that the investigation should be done. Apparently, she reports what she found in her investigation, but it is not her call on whether things are founded or unfounded. So now it's another week of waiting since unfortunately she rescheduled 3 times, but the investigation will be at least be done prior to the 30 days it could take. So I suppose this good news, but not being optimistic, until it is officially closed and we get the news whether founded or unfounded. They did talk about the class she referred him to. Apparently it is more of a save her a** sort of thing. Since this is now the 3rd report to CPS by BM (yes the counselor called this time, but counselors do not look at a child's butt on visits, BM showed the counselor this), even though each time everything was unfounded, if there was to be another report and there was abuse found, the CPS worker would not look good for not referring my bf to anything and basically looking the other way is how it would look to her higher ups. 

Now on to the update about custody and the children. So BM still is not letting my bf see the children, he has via text message proof of her continually denying him to see them. He also texted her on Thursday night asking to talk to them any time on Friday on the phone then. She did not answer until Friday night saying they were "involved in a group activity" that she would not take them away from,etc., then finally they agreed 8:30 Saturday morning he could talk to them on the phone. He calls, he gets to talk to the younger one (2 y.o) and she says the older child (4 y.o) is still sleeping. Now I have been in the children's lives for a year and the older one has never slept later than 7 am, usually is up by 6 am, so definitely furthers the fact that BM does not instill a bedtime for the children. Finally, she gets the older child up and her on the phone, the child is crying asking for daddy and saying she wants to see him, etc. Anytime he has gotten on the phone with the children since all of this the 4 y.o. cries for him basically the whole time. After a few minutes the BM got on the phone, my bf re-asked when he could see them and she tells him that even after the CPS investigation is closed she isn't going to let him see them then either. Aka until the judge orders she must let him see the children, she will refuse to do so. I reminded my bf that he should not be talking to her on the phone at all because now she's saying all this stuff and it is not in writing. From now on when he calls, if the BM tries to talk he is going to tell her he will only discuss things via text message and if she tries to continue talking, he is going to hang up on her. 

More on custody, but also on the divorce front. My bf went to see his lawyer on Friday and we got zero good news. The person in the law office who was supposed to have all this delivered, did not deliver it to the BM's lawyer, but rather posted it at the wrong address of BM. Which BM purposefully gave the wrong apartment number so her address was incorrect. So the whole 21 days (which was up the beginning of last week) means NOTHING and the lawyer has to start this whole process over again. So on August 13, the 21 days will be up again. We are FURIOUS because another month was wasted and it is not my bfs fault, just him getting screwed over again. In the meantime, there will be a pendente lite hearing (been spelling it wrong this whole time) on August 2 to have a temporary custody order in writing. So that will be good at the very least because until this process is done, at least there is a written order of when each person is to have the children and there is no more of this nonsense (I know there will still be some nonsense, but you all get what I mean). So either will go the default judgement route if the BM and her lawyer do not respond in this 21 day timeline or they will respond and my bf is requesting for mediation. So by August 13, there should be some sort of decision on what route this will take.

There has been all sorts of nasty texts from BM in response to my bf trying to see and talk to the children. In one of her texts she says how she cannot trust him to coparent with her because he wants nothing to do with her and does not want to live anywhere near her and that is why she is not letting him see the children. To which he responded that coparenting involves communication however she is refusing to tell him who or where is the children's caregiver while she is at work and denying him to see them. How the children not going to daycare which they have been at for over a year is not good for them is breaking their routine, etc. She also at one point says how 50% of one child is his to which he responds no, 50% of both children is ours. She then says how that is not true biologically, etc. So at the very least, I think there is a good amount pointing towards her trying to alienate the kids for the temporary custody hearing. However, I am DONE being optimistic after it has been nothing but constant bad news. We are planning on having my bf text the BM this week requesting to see the children or at least the youngest on/for her birthday which is next week. Do not think she will agree to this, however the CPS investigation will be done then and it will not look good for BM to be denying my bf to see his child for her birthday especially with the hearing next week too. Again, who knows though.


tog redux's picture

Sadly, it's good to not be optimistic where family court is concerned, especially with a BM like this. Courts do give lip service to valuing fathers, but then they give custody orders that are continually violated by a BM like this, and they won't enforce them even with tons of evidence that there is alienation going on.

BTW, if you are in a one-party recording state, he can record BM's phone calls on his cell phone. Quick google search should tell you if you are a one-party state and how to do it.

Sorry, this stuff sucks, reading your post gives me flashbacks.  We went through so much of this, but SS was 10+ so easier to manipulate and silence than toddlers are (ie, he would never get on the phone and cry that he missed DH because he knew BM was lurking close by ready to give rewards or consequences depending on his response to DH).

Do what you can to keep yourself healthy and decrease stress, this stuff is toxic.

shamds's picture

Hell bent on alienating these kids for life from their dad

she just told him she will not follow the law and let him see the kids. I doubt even after going to court that she will follow it as narcissistic women like this still think they make the law and above it. She will justify her reasoning and play the pity me card to everyone. 

My husband had a same situation and sadly he knew going to court when she kidnapped his daughters would destroy them even more and they were already destroyed. There is no relationship there whatsoever and bio mum is responsible for that but her brainwashed kids excuse and justify what she did on some imaginary justice she had to force on hubby for being an imaginary bad person.

she has always seen the kids as a possession and not people. She sees them as weapons to inflict pain on hubby and thought she could do this forever until hubby met a sane normal woman and had 2 kids with her with normal behaviours who do not manipulate hubby so her initial plans backfired and she still is upto including her current husband of 11+ years manipulating everyone and trying to control us which we have shut down.

i do not let her or her kids control me or my kids 1 bit.

you’ll need alot of strength to put up with this crap. It’s horrible to be dealing with this. Women like this bio mum feel no guilt when their child is begging to see daddy and in tears

their anger and revenge at exhubby supercedes any motherly nurturing instinct (which they lack). How can their dad coparent with such an unstable individual who cannot parent nor function properly. Whether daddy chooses to live nearby or far away should make no difference. Reality is with work we can’t be picky where we want to live

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

My bf does not want to call because it just upsets the children and is hurting them the most. I told him I know it sucks and what not, but it will not look good if you are not trying to call/see them, even though we both know the answer is going to be no. His lawyer also told him the same thing. This BM does not care who she hurts just that she "wins" and f***s my bf over, she never thinks about what is best for them.

Well what is mind blowing to me is, she has said she wants to move to the other side of the country as soon as this is done and in March said that she was going to move to Michigan in the fall... So it is not like even if my bf and I weren't planning on moving in 2 years that she was staying here anyway, in fact she is trying to move away first. She just always plays the victim and can never take any responsibility.

I really wanted him to say that he can't coparent with someone who lies, manipulates, etc. but it would not look good on him to say no to coparenting so we went the route of pointing out her lack of communication which is required to coparent. 

I am sorry that happened to your DH, I unfortunately think it will become something similar.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

We had proof of Psycho on drugs, filed for emergency custody until we could actually go to court to get the CO officially changed. Judge denied it because they were "not in immediate danger." I don't want to be a pessimist, but I definitely wouldn't hold my breathe. Family court is honestly a farce most of the time.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

I don't think he would get emergency custody and he isn't trying to get them to stop seeing her either. Rather, it will be 2 weeks since he was supposed to pick them up from her and she is refusing to let him see the children. She also is making it rather difficult to schedule for him to even talk to them on the phone. He went from having them 57%-71% (for the past 17 months) to having them 0% of the time because she doesn't want the children to see him. Oh I am done being optimistic that is for sure, but surely a judge wouldn't allow this to continue. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Typically a judge will at a minimum give him visitation. But they may say the kids are "fine right now" and turn down an emergency order, even for visitation until actual court.

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

would be better than nothing, which is where we are at right now! 

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

optimistic anymore, I am not going to say that probably won't happen. I hope it does not happen however as my bf is really really trying to avoid having this go to trial, but he also is not going to sit there and have zero rights or access to them. 

shamds's picture

Proof high on drugs meaning unpredictable behaviour and dangerour whilst under the influence of harming the kids, having some stranger molest/rape or harm them but yeah judge says not in immediate danger. Was he high at the time he made that ruling?? 

What happened to in the best interests of the kids? Its scary for a child to see a parent who should be responsible but yet high on drugs with effin weirdos

still learning's picture

What a nasty mess you've walked into. The youngest is 2 and your bf isn't even divorced yet. Your username is "futurestepmom." It sounds like you're ready to swoop in and be super step mommy to kids your bf isn't even allowed to see, you are very optimistic.  

I have no idea how long you've been in the picture or if you were a part of the reason the family broke up but you really need to step back.  A girlfriend sticking their nose in a nasty divorce/custody proceeding never looks good to a judge.  I see a lot of "we" in your post. This early in the post divorce game it's all about him, there should be no "we", meaning that you should not be involved at all.  

Do you already live together?  If so, your name (aka live in girlfriend) will be slathered all over the court and CPS documents.  I've been divorced twice and can tell you from experience that your presence will only make things worse during this time. Please uninvolve yourself for your boyfriends sake.  Step way back, move out, and let him deal with this on his own.  So many women think they are doing men a favor by helping them through their divorces by being a warm spot in their bed and fighting the soon to be ex.  In reality all women like you are doing is justifying the staus quo in the eyes of the court.  If it were just BF and BM was doing this then there may be more sympathy, but when a new gf is in the pic and is being seen as interfering and trying to be the new mom before the divorce is complete it creates an entirely new set of drama.  

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

or other responses in even this post. The youngest turns 3 next week. My boyfriend has been separated for a little over 17 months. I did not know him prior to him separating and next month we have been together a year. So you are the one who needs to step back making a whole lot of assumptions when you did not even bother to attempt to familiarize yourself with anything about my situation prior to commenting on my post.

If you had read any of my other posts too you would know that no we do not live together. I made it very clear from the beginning that I would not live with him until all the legal stuff was done, papers were signed and everything finalized. Also, BM had birthed another man's child who she played off as my bf's for 3 years, cheated on him numerous times, they had separate bedrooms for over a year before they even actually separated and papers were filed. So no, I in no way broke them up and I in no way hinder sympathy or anything. So please go comment somewhere else or at least familiarize yourself with someone's situation before you make judgements and accusations. You have zero idea what you are talking about.

Lastly, I am not trying to step in and be their new "mommy." Just because my username is what it is, does not mean any of that. When we do get married, I will be their stepmom that is fact, that is not fantasy. If you read any of my posts you would know that, I am being nothing, but a support system (not financially before you go that route) for my boyfriend. That all of the decisions regarding custody, etc. are his and his alone to make. So you can get off your high horse now.

still learning's picture

I don't have time to read all of your past blogs. From reading your current one it sounds like you are overly involved even if you don't live together.  From experience I am telling you to back away but you're in love and already planning your wedding. Your BF like so many men are blameless in this situation since you've only heard his side of the story, and of course you know best.  

For his part he should be dealing with his current divorce rather than planning another marriage.  This period in your relationship should be your honeymoon time but it's fraught with drama and his divorce and custody proceedings.  It's your life and your choice.  

futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

were making assumptions about my boyfriend's divorce, my relationship with my bf, our living situation, etc. I never said he was blameless, but he was monogamous unlike BM and there is no denial in that one when she birthed another man's child, he did not get arrested, he does not do/has done drugs (gets tested regularly, so yes I know this for a fact), etc. What he is guilty of is being a dumba** when he was young and marrying someone who needed to be taken care of (character flaw) and because he has never been around healthy relationships, couldn't identify that his relationship with BM was not one. 

Here you go assuming again. Just because we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, after being in each other’s lives for a year and almost together a year too, is not unhealthy or anything wrong. It is actually pretty normal especially when in your mid to late twenties. In a way I am happy it has not been a total honeymoon time because I know what things look like and how he acts, etc. when times are bad. We have a very strong, healthy and supportive relationship and I know we can get through practically anything if we can get through this together and still be strong and happy together. 

Your 2 cents was stupid because majority of it you just made assumptions and did not base anything in actual fact.


Thumper's picture

OP--stop berating STILL LEARNING,,,it is not our job to go back and read 1 or 6 prior posts. YOU have to assume people don't read your life story. A simple, "I am not living with BF" would have been all you had to say. you come off as very mean.

I'll assume your a very nice lady who wishes everything was a lot easier with bm and bf. But do not take it out on decent adults who are here to help you. THAT is wrong.

Anyway....CPS does NOT suggest or have court ordered parenting classes to save their asses. BF now has a parenting plan.


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

however, to make several assumptions and accusations in one post without any prior information is rude and ignorant. Sorry, I am not going to sit there and be called a homewrecker, etc. because someone wanted to add "2 cents" without any information on the subject. 

I am not very mean, but I am not going to be put down and described as bascially the other woman. I did not take anything out on the person who commmented, but rather told them the facts. 

There is no court ordered parenting class actually, don't know where you got that information from, but the court never ordered a parenting class and actually via email she did suggest the parenting class, so yes, it does happen, I have seen it black and white.

Thumper's picture

OP--CPS suggested a parenting class, correct?. I dont know where you got YOUR info from to start fighting about your own words with me.

  Your something else...