While I wasn't "punished", I was on the receiving end of PTSD triggers. Not just from things BioHo said or did, but also DH's mother. MIL verbally and physically abused DH in his childhood. The physical abuse stopped when he got too big for her to handle, but the mental abuse continued into early adulthood.

I refused to react when HE blew up because I realized I wasn't the one he was upset with - it was a phrase frequently used by one of those beeyotches that set him off. Once I learned the trigger phrases, I reworded how I asked or presented things to him.

I'm sorry this happened to you, halo. No one should be punished for what someone else did. {{{hugs}}}

At this point I don't feel like I'm being punished but I do feel the echoes. They come with baggage that isn't easy to shrug off. For example back when DH was married to BM, she was super religious so Christmas had to be celebrated in an exact particular way according to her side of the family. The wrath of Hell would rain down on DH if he didn't celebrate birthdays or anniversaries on the exact day and and forgot to buy her a decent gift. And none of that matters to me. I don't care if I get a present or not. I don't care if we don't do Valentine's Day. I like to splurge on a nice meal for my birthday but I don't care what day that happens as long as I get to go to my favourite restaurant sometime that month. And DH gets really nervous when I tell him I don't mind, double and triple checks with me. Because BM used to tell him it was fine when really she was seething inside. If he asked her if she wanted a present and she said it's ok if she doesn't get one, what she really meant was she wanted one, he was supposed to get her one but she didn't want to say it and he was supposed to read her mind and figure it out on his own. So the scars still remain.

In the decade since my divorce and through dating and now remarriage, I found out that in my experience only stunted immature, narcissistic men used that as an excuse for treating me poorly. The decent men, who were treated poorly by their partners never treated me poorly because of it. I think it's who they really are that comes through. Good guys are good guys and treated me accordingly and a-holes are still a-holes. At least that's what I experienced. 

If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.

DH learned a lot of bad habits from Satan. Early in our relationship, he frequently implemented the I Know You Are But What Am I tactic so often employed by narcissists.

Eff that. I won't be drawn into tangents. I'd mock him, "I Know You Are But What Am I??? How old are you, four??? We're talking about X. That stupid sh!t may have been the norm for you and Satan, but I don't have the energy for that happy horsesh!t."

He stopped doing that pretty quickly.

I call it "being the emotional dumpster". We get the fall out from their crappy experiences. They "learned their lesson", and now we are stepping through the emotional minefield of their "triggers".

Yep.

DH doesn't do this much, I'm so different from his Ex. The only time he gets a little vekempt about anything is if I don't feel like discussing an issue at the moment (she's a classic avoid the topic and passive-agressive communicator, or "lack" of communicator).  But we've talked about it, and I've talked about my Ex and what reminds me of him (aggressive explaining something I UNDERSTAND or not letting me know when he's on the way home if he's running late, esp. if he's doing his bicycle commuting in the dark). But we don't have too many issues with it. I think it actually effects him more when he's dealing with YSDalmost17. He's told me she reminds him more and more of BM is her lack of communication and breaking down into tears at any confrontation, no matter how small.

I feel like I'm being shorted on what the marriage should be due to past and present issues with his ex-wife. 

I wish I could have embraced the single life years ago and held firm to my never getting married stance.  I'd have tons of money to go travel with.

I'm disgusted I had to be exposed to his nut ex and psychotic ahole son.

Yes every day....Sometimes it angers me and im very resentful. In my case, i doubt it will ever change.

The financial and personal consequences from the divorce/custody will be a lifelong struggle that has impacted me throughout the marriage. It took me years to understand that there was no point in working together for retirement and estate planning because it will all go to the children and their mothers. It also is pointless to attempt joint home ownership because it could all go to the children or at least half of it could and I would have to share.

The personal consequences are lifelong drama and messy triangle between my partner and his BMs....very toxic behaviors. Being in a bad mood or upset at me for having conflicts with them. Saying things like "all women are like this/do this"

My husband too was working, cleaning and cooking and watching children and his first ex only had to come home from work to a freshly ran bath and quality time. The second ex was an accident and they decided to stay together for the children but they hated each other and barely lived together. Despite that, he paid for all her living expenses + child care while she stayed home for years. Even when she met another man, he continued to pay in hopes they would rekindle or stay together....

On the other hand, I was told within 2 weeks of marriage that i better get a job after he promised me he would support me to finish my MA before marriage. Not only that but the 1st week of marriage, i remember spending a whole day getting ready for my husband to come from work and to go out. His reaction shocked me. He said "Listen, im not doing this again. I had this issue with my ex wife. You cant sit around at home getting ready all day and doing nothing while I work then expect me to be ready to go out and have fun after a long day of work"

....I honestly was stunned....First week of marriage yall lol i was already told that i had to work and maintain the home and shouldnt spend too much time on outings or getting ready because ex wife was spending all day doing make up and hair and leaving the house in squalor and my husband would come home clean and take her out to dinner....

I had never been married before and didnt have many relationships with men so I am very resentfil because I see ppl of my own age who married men with no past/ex spouses and they are traveling, having a ball, doing honeymoon stuff, buying new furniture for their 1st apartment. My husband wont buy new furniture because he bought brand new furniture in his past relationships and was forced to give all up when separation happened. The exes kept it all. So now he only buys used stuff to mitigate possible losses...

When I think of this, i feel my nerves boiling but i have to remember that it was my choice to be with someone with a past and be "open minded" and "accepting".

Thats not even counting the amount of toxicity his kids and exes bring into my daily life but I am now able to completely detach and not care anymore.

Absolutely.

BM broke all the rules and DH tolerated it for too long. Now he's determined not to make the same mistakes. I feel like I'm unfairly held to a higher standard. She cheated and financially abused him, I would never do either but there are still times he doesn't trust my intentions because of what BM did. She got away with so much.

Even worse I feel like our kids are being punished too. He's much stricter than he was or is with SD. He won't spend as much money on activities or vacations whereas with BM and SD he rarely said no. He was adamant about no cosleeping and enforces discipline. He always talks us out of vacations and things and says our kids are too much work, but he used to jet set to Disney world with SD, literal Disney dad.

I know our relationship is healthier and he's more mature. I know our kids are more disciplined and have fewer of the bad habits SD has. I know he learned from his mistakes with BM and SD and over the long term we will benefit. BUT it still feels unfair like BM got away with cheating for years and my DH will lay into me if I do something small like forget to latch the door.

I won't even go into it but my in laws punish me too. It was broken before I got here.

I've gotten the "I fight with you more then any other person." He enrages me when he says this...

Like ok a**hole... well let's see..... we've been together over 7 years now....I'm your second longest relationship outside your failed marriage... give me a few more years and I am going to surpass that... and oh yeah..

You did whatever BM told you too... so yeah we are going to fight more because YOU would fight me on everything. Then.. will agree with me about past fights (when I was starting to set boundaries) and where we've gotten to today but still use it almost against me with that line.. It is a weird triangle. 

I've started to express to my feelings on marriage to SO. It's starting to annoy me that I'm still a "girlfriend." I'll be 37 in march and have never been married. I feel like I'm owed commitment at this point basically. I don't want a big fancy wedding which he thinks I do... like dude do you even know me??!! This bothered me actually.. that he really thinks that's what I want.. BUT he made a comment about he doesn't want to because of how much we "fight." Well shit then get off the pot then.. and IMO we don't fight that much.. it's him getting defensive when I want skids to do something.. 

Yes. My DH's ex was a serial cheater. So he sometimes feels insecure and tells me that if I ever cheat on him it will be the first and last time. I look him in the eyes with a steely gaze and say "Listen here, bud. I am OFFENDED by your insinuation that I am some sort of dirty ass ho like your ex wife. I am a person with morals, principles, and if I wanted another man, I would simply tell you to your face and leave you. I don't slut around because this body is a temple, and it is reserved for one man - YOU. I don't feel the need to sneak around and cheat because I am not 16. I am a mature woman. FURTHERMORE, if you EVER say shit like that to me again I will seriously think about leaving you. Who the F*** do you think you are talking to?"

Then he apologizes and we snuggle. Then he says "A temple? Of what? Cookies and lattes? " We both have a good laugh.