You are here

New Year..New Me....or maybe just a different me

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 8:59am

Hello 2023..may you be better than 2022 cause that year SUCKED.   I would say 2022 was worse for me than 2020.

Ah..the new year...and a new me....or maybe NOT a new me...just one that DH chose not see for years.

DH and I were talking the other day..it was a rough day for me.  I was tired and and DH and I had been dealing with colds for a few days, etc.  In the aftermath of the discovery of DH's "fun"...I have become very insecure.  From what I read and from the marriage counselor that is normal.  However, that in DH's eyes that is not normal for me and being insecure is not attractive.  (took all I had to not hit him upside the head with a frying pan on that comment)    I've always been so confident according him.

I had to break it down for him.....

1.  I've always had insecurities.  I'm human and I have them just like everyone else.

2.  I've masked that for my entire life due to the fact...I'm the least favorite child in my family...and pretty much ignored unless someone needs something from me. I have to work really hard to overcome the feeling I'm never enough due to never being enough for my family.  (My sister is the golden child..quite literaly. She is tall and blonde, blue eyed and a documented genius).  So...yea DH there are some very deep seated insecurities I have.  (I'm short, dark/red haired, dark eyed and not a genius).  I have to work hard to overcome that narrative that plays in my head.

3.  I tried for YEARS to talk to DH about what I was insecure about.  He wasn't listening...AT ALL.  He would just get defensive as if I was telling him it was his fault, etc.  He doesn't like to deal with anything unpleasent...my having insecurities is unpleasent and he has to you know deal with EMOTIONS.   After trying to talk to DH  and being dismissed many times..I stopped trying.  I just stopped talking to him about anything. He noticed that..but for the longest time he just thought it was my problem.  Oh..he sees now that it wasn't a problem with me..it was an issue with HIM and not listening and not being there for me.  The MC pointed out to him...he wanted to be my best friend...but didn't want to deal with things that come along with that.  Its not just hearing the good stuff, etc.  I was trying but everytime he dismissed me...caused me to put up another block in the wall. 

4.  I'm now sharing with him much more of what I'm feeling, etc.  To his credit he is now listening...and not getting defensive. That makes a HUGE difference in our relationship.  However, now that I'm sharing he is realizing that I have insecurities and that I need some reassurance and just someone to listen.  Its new for him...but its not "unusual".  

DH is understanding now...his neglect of me for years...was what caused the breakdown in our marriage.  Although he "thought" he was supporting me..but he really wasn't.  He was just a body here...and he pretty much was dismissing and ignoring all of us..his kids included.

The other interesting thing DH said...was that all of a sudden I was an attention whore..  Had to break that down for him as well.  (also took a large amount of sel restraint to not him him upside the head after that comment.

1.  Not really..I'm human I need attention like everyone else on this planet.

2.  I used to make myself as small as I could because I felt like I was burden to him. That was due to him not listening and always becoming defensive about everything.  I'm not doing that anymore.

3. I'm now asking for things I need rather than not..and allowing resentment to fester.  I mean what do I have to lose in doing this..the worst has already happened.  I'm not willing to accept less these days.  

4. When you say things like this..it makes it hard for me to continue to share.  (IE..THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK DH)

After breaking it down for DH ..he did understand. He also admitted that while this new for me...he was the ultimate attention whore and went about getting attention ALL WRONG.  He also admits that the insecurity I have now is mostly due to his actions and that he caused it.  He will do everything he can to help with that...but it is very weird to him in regards to me.

Whew..and I thought navigating step life was hard...oooff..navigating this is so hard.

So new year and new me....at its a new me to DH.

Comments

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 9:21am

Is this the first time he is owning his bad behavior and feeling the consequences (aka guilt)?   Good I say.  You two can have a better relationship but the old one and all those bad habits you two developed over the years have to go.  It takes time to earn trust back.  As much as he'd wish it, one day at a time is the only way to do it.  

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 9:38am

so that is good. It certainly helps..and yes one day at time is what we are working on.   

I pointed out..the old relationship is dead....its gone.  The one now is new....and we both have some habits we need to lose.  

I also pointed out..neither one of us is the same anymore....by virture of what happened...we can't be the same. This situation fundementaly altered both us and our relationship.

AlmostGone834's picture

Submitted by AlmostGone834 on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 11:20am

One thing I want to say that is good is that... yes he f-ed up royally... but WOMAN, when you dog whistled, he sure came running back with his tail between his legs. Take that as a credit to YOUR worth and value whenever you're feeling insecure. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 9:43am

It takes time and hard work to get anywhere in life. If you two can understand each other better then it can work out. Each must give up some and get some.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 12:32pm

Year 2022 sucked with Husband doing his normal shenanigans and Skids doing their normal shenanigans.

But 2021 sucked harder. 2021 is when I was so filled with despair I couldnt see my way out. That I felt like nothing, that I felt so unworthy of any love from anyone. 2022 I slowly reclaimed my worth. I expanded my friend circles while rekindling those that I had let founder. I started hiking and little by little advanced. New Years Day, I got a call from one of these "newish" friends, and we climbed 2,500 feet. It wasnt overnight, to get to that point, it was week after week of this climb and that climb and ever-increasing challenges. Bff calls me a "bada$$". Husband started looking at me with a spark in his eyes. I became more wily in how I dealt with the whole Karpmans triangle I was repeatedly being dragged into. 

These sessions where the dark corners are explored, the painfull inching towards trust and that love you had. Who knows if its going to create that relationship that you need, but doing this work is more for YOU and YOUR growth. If he can hack it and be the man you need him to be, great. If not you are gaining the strength you need to make the right decisions.

Thats where Im headed. I gave Husband year 2022 to see if he can be the man I need him to be. There were glimmers, but then the darkness engulfed all the good and light. Im claiming 2023 for me. 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Submitted by 1st3rd5thWEInHell on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 8:14pm

2021 was awful for me. I really did not like 2022 but it doesnt compare to the horror of 2021 or 2017

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 1:23pm

Its already looking up for you. Remember that.

 

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 5:12pm

No need for a different you.  We love you just as you are, funny, sassy, insightful.  You're not different now, just more aware of your real self.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Submitted by 1st3rd5thWEInHell on Thu, 01/05/2023 - 8:05pm

Honestly, what I have learned from men is that they are confident and very secure within themselves. The ugliest bum men will carry themselves as a confident prince while you have ppl like Angelina Jolie being told that she had ugly lips and looks like a mummy!

Therefore, nothing a man says to me matters anymore. Men think i look ugly/dumb/stupid/ridiculous? GOOD. Im pretty sure he is equal or worse in any of those depts.

Rather than focus on yourself, you should look at him? I tell my husband whenever he tries to act like he is too good and confident for me that look at your age and your weight and education, I wouldnt bet on you in a horse race. You wallow in your insecurities but have you ever stopped to think that you are actually "the catch" in your marriage?

They dont cheat because you are mediocre, they cheat because they can and they want to be the top dog in the relationship. You knew his flaws and even probably looked down on some of them, but with other women he can paint himself as this "amazing confident man" that he aspires to be and think he is.

Be on your guard. Men dont learn from their actions until its too late. INVEST in yourself and your potential. Work out, dress up, go out and quit giving a f about how he feels and why he did what he did and his relationship with his own kids. You cant force someone to parent! He wants to neglect, thats his problem! As long as you are doing your part as a mother, you dont have any blame to take on.

 

I would personally kill him with new looks every day and frequent outings. Even if I have to make up going out and just sit in my car watching dog or cat videos while I told him that I am out enjoying my exciting life.

 

Lifer33's picture

Submitted by Lifer33 on Fri, 01/06/2023 - 7:32am

My husband had an emotional affair because he's so insecure, so a different perspective. Some men are really low in self confidence/esteem bit don't like to show it so go looking for more attention to feel better. It was all boo hoo, I have loads of hot male friends, how did he know I wasn't sleeping with them? Everyone tells him he's punching above his weight. 

I said well i wasn't sleeping with them, and I never said that to you,  I thought you were the most beautiful man on earth til you did this!

Anyways yes, hope halo does what she needs to make her happy and secure in herself, and hits him with that pan if he doesn't become more understanding 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Submitted by 1st3rd5thWEInHell on Sat, 01/07/2023 - 5:03pm

@halo Men will say anything...Imagine if we cheated every time we wanted to escape our daily lives? I would have probable slept with millions of men by now lol

At least he is getting therapy and making a positive change. Continue to focus on you, i think you are above this mess and he should see it too!

 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Submitted by 1st3rd5thWEInHell on Sat, 01/07/2023 - 5:00pm

Its honestly rare...most of them are quite confident. You have crackheads and homeless men without teeth and drinking problems who think of themselves as amazing catches and will talk to women and accuse them of being "arrogant" for refusing their advances....

Most men always feel like they can do better once you are acquired/locked in.

Your husband probably wanted to show you that you are "not that great of a catch" and he can get many other females to pay him attention. Dumb stupid stuff that only men do. When they are confident: they cheat. When they are insecure: they cheat. The result is the same, genitalia for brains.

Good that you remind him that you too could play that game and would be much more successful....when you give men your entire devotion, they move on to greener grass but if you keep them guessing whether you are theirs or not, all of a sudden they are making efforts to make sure you arent getting away

 

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Tue, 01/10/2023 - 11:59am

but in all seriousness...he is going to have a hard time finding someone to put up the skid shiznit...etc.  I was a rare catch....and I did point out the fact..I would probably have a way easier time finding a new person since my kids are adults, I look way younger than I am and I'm for the most part pretty darn independent.