Non-responsive and advice
Today was the first day of school for SS12. He's at his mom's this week. DH texted him first thing this morning to say he hoped it was a great day. No response. He texted him after school to ask how the first day was. No response.
This is pretty normal. SS rarely, if ever, responds to DH's texts. We confiscate his electronics at night and every morning when DH gets the phone back out, the screen lights up to show a dozen unread messages from BM and her parents.
Anyway, DH is hurt. Says he feels like SS hates him and prefers his mom and her parents. I'm sure he does to some extent -- they spoil him rotten. DH doesn't constantly buy him stuff or take him to the trampoline park. DH took him for a long weekend to a nearby resort town. Not even a thank you.
He tends to be pretty dramatic when blowing off steam but I get why he's hurt.
Anyone else dealt with this or have advice on how to address it and be supportive?
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No advice
My husband's son not only ignores all messages and calls, but he also straight up hungs on my husband when he doesn't like the conversation. For instance if the conversation is leading towards to his son doing nothing all summer but playing video games. At some point he cut off my husband for 1-2 years with no contact due to a political disagreement. I would love if my husband would be like - I am not paying for you to have a phone that you won't even use to talk to me. But we all know - that's not what we get with guilty daddies.
Was he hurt? Yes. What did he do? Nothing. He caved in and is now afraid to bring up sensitive topics so dear freeloader doesn't get offended and stops answering any calls on a phone my husband is still paying for.
What I did? I poured a glass is fine wine and let the circus roll. Not my problem. I'm done having any supportive desires since long ago. My own sanity and my marriage have been so much better.
Guilty daddies sniffing the behinds of failed family spawn
is pathetic.
If they parented from a position of standards of behavior and performance, this would not happen.
I would be shutting off the Spawn's phone until they got hold of me to have me reactivate it. It would only stay on if I was getting a daily text letting me know what the spawn was up to. No need for detail, just a check in. And... respectful response times to my calls/texts. Not exessive, just respectful.
Stay in respectful contact with me, or... pay for your own damned phone.
Which... my Skid has done since not long after he launched... 13yrs ago.
Not that he's worth a crap as a communicator. Though he does engage every few weeks... or so... give or take. After his mom and I tag team to get him to synch with us.
Yep. It's like I've told DH
Yep. It's like I've told DH before: if you want kids to have good manners, etc., you have to consistently teach them. It's not like they're magically going to know.
I don't think his son hates
I don't think his son hates him.. lol. That IS dramatic.
What I think it is more likely is a tween that is self absorbed.. perhaps is not comfortable communicating with dad when at his mom's in front of her.. maybe she asks to see his phone if he is texting? Or.. he is just busy and distracted by first day school stuff. maybe he had a bad day.. and doesn't want to talk to "ANYBODY"..
RE the ungratefulness.. I don't think it's wrong for a parent to say.. "hey bud... having a good time today?" and when the kid says "yes".. then "well.. I haven't heard thank you yet.. just wanted to make sure".. kids need to be taught to voice their appreciation.. just sitting over in the driver's seat being resentful about it.. doesn't teach the kid anything..
And.. kids may at any given time have favorite places.. people to hang out with.. doesn't mean he hates your DH.. but it may mean he has more connection to others.. maybe due to more time spent?
I would be very surprised if
I would be very surprised if he feels uncomfortable texting DH at BM's. From what I know of her and her attitude and current relationship with DH, it's not likely. But, in many cases, good point.
I told DH this is not unusual for a tween -- particularly not a "more self-centered than usual" one. He's cooled off now. He does tend to get dramatic when he's venting! *biggrin*
He's going to do more work on thank yous.
And I think he does have more connection to her side. It's a 50-50 split, but over there her parents (who are retired) regularly pick him up to go do stuff. And when BM isn't working, it's just the two of them. He's the center of attention for the whole family. Not true here. And here he's expected to follow some rules and help out, I can see why the permissiveness and adults catering to your every whim would be attractive to a kid. Nothing we can do but try to instill our own values and standards and hope some of it rubs off.
The slightest correction upsets him. We don't constantly get onto him. But we didn't let him get away with faking sick last year. We speak up when he hugs the dog (Dog hates it). We expect him to follow the rules. From what I've witnessed, they believe every word he says (though he's been caught lying more times than I can count) and he's not held accountable for anything. His mom's idea of consequences is to confiscate electronics for an hour. No wonder he prefers it there.
Tweens and Teens are jerks.
Tweens and Teens are jerks. That is just facts.
BM probably demands that he respond to her or she will take his phone and won't get one back. Your DH is the non-custodial therefore doesn't have that "flex" of being the tough guy.
While kids do love to be spoiled, who doesn't? They also really value the parent that just shows up and is present in their lives. It doesn't have to be disneyland... bike rides and camping do just as much for connections- really more.
Actually, they have a 50-50
Actually, they have a 50-50 split. And BM doesn't enforce anything. Her idea of punishment for a major infraction (like being suspended for fighting) is taking his electronics for an hour.
And we bought the phone.
DH is making efforts to spend quality time. What gets him is SS doesn't seem to care. He's indifferent. But he's a tween. I told DH to keep it up. One day, SS may appreciate it.
And, yes, tweens/teens, by definition, are jerks!
Then time for DH to use that
Then time for DH to use that flex!
Be responsive or lose your phone. You can get a flip phone for your mom to call you but that's it.
I agree. Though I doubt DH
I agree. Though I doubt DH will do that yet. And one of his arguments will be that if we take his phone, BM or her parents will just go out and buy him the latest model (I have no doubt he's right on that). But it could still make a point. And then at least we wouldn't be paying for SS to ignore us.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Latest gem
BM texted DH to let him know SS says DH yells at him all the time and he gets in trouble for everything. I've yet to hear DH yell at SS. And as we both work from home, I'm always here.
He rarely gets more than a talking to, but, yes, he has gotten consequences before -- usually confiscation of electronics.
Anyway, BM is under the impression our house is a prison. Whatever.
SS loves our dachshund, who is an incredibly sweet, gentle dog. We've had to tell him more than once that Dog doesn't like to be hugged or held onto. Yet SS will do it because he wants to cuddle Dog. Late last week, we were watching tv after dinner and after repeatedly urging Dog to join him on the couch, SS picked Dog up and proceeded to cuddle and hold onto him. Dog wasn't really fighting him, but he was staring at me and looked anxious. After a few minutes, I said "Hey, dude. We've talked about this. Dogs don't like to be hugged or restrained like that." He let go and dog practically flew off the couch and made a beeline for my lap. According to DH, SS was shooting daggers for a while after that.
Well, too damn bad. I'm not going to let him mistreat my dog just because he wants cuddle time. But to SS, apparently that's getting in trouble and us being mean to him. I blame some of it on his age, but he's been like this as long as I've known him: do whatever he wants, regardless of what he's been told, then get pissed off when he's corrected about it.
DH text to BM
DH text to BM
"No one is yelling at our son. But, does he get corrected when he does something wrong? do we discuss what he could do differently next time.. does he have consequences for breaking rules? YES.. it's called parenting. But to be clear, no one is abusing him.. and you aren't going to tell me I can't enforce my own rules and boundaries in my own home.. this is literally how you raise kids.. properly that is."
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
DH has texted BM that same thing -- minus the "you can't tell me what to do."
When BM texts this stuff, it comes across more as a heads-up of what SS is saying than an actual complaint from her. She has suggested before that if DH wants a better relationship with SS, maybe he should buy SS more things and do more fun stuff with him and relax the rules. DH responded that wasn't going to happen. He's also suggested to her that maybe she needs to do less spoiling and be less permissive but that didn't go over well, naturally. Her house, her rules. Same thing at ours. He's stayed more in his own lane since.
I think he is also getting
I think he is also getting old enough to get feedback from your DH.
Hey.. if you have a problem with your time here.. with how you are being parented by me.. how you are being treated.. you come to me. It's frustrating when I get general complaints filtered through your mother.. especially when the claims appear fabricated or overblown. Again.. if you have a problem with me.. tell me. and just for clarity.. this is not yelling.. this is educating you.
For the Love of God,,,just
For the Love of God,,,just call the kid. Leave voice mails. Then blow up moms phone. PLEASE have John call me..
THEN if BM and kid is not responding, shut his darn phone off. Bet you will get a call really quick then
JMO
I'm your dad, your my kid. I
I'm your dad, your my kid. I love you. However.... I will not chase you around sniffing your butt like some lost puppy. You behave, you are welcome to spend time with me. If you don't behave, there will be issues. I will not chase after you.
Your choice.
Choose wisely.
Lather.... rinse.... repeat.
Then smack the blended family opposition with a rolled up copy of the the CO, and a contempt motion, any time the kid is not presented on time per the CO visitation schedule.
Sniffing the ass of a toxic X and sniffing the ass of a toxic kid is not something viable adults and quality parents should ever do.
IMHO of course.