Horrible Day
BF and I got into a huge fight yesterday. There was a lot to it, but I'll try to break it down.
He was not in a good mood when I got home because today is the court day with BM for some asset modifications in the Divorce Decree. He basically thought he was going to get screwed, as usual. I tried to talk to him. He didn't want to be reasonable; he wanted to be angry and talk crap about BM. In being reasonable, he felt I was trying to defend her. He said he was going out to the bar.
We have had a lot of issues with the bar lately. He's been spending a lot of time there, and I feel many things about it: 1) Upset that he chooses to spend his free time drinking with strangers rather than be with me, 2) Why does he have to drink so much?, 3) Why can't he ever come home ON TIME when he's there?, 4) Jealous that I don't feel as welcome at this locals bar (I feel like an outsider), 5) Jealous that he seems to have friends around to talk to and I do not (he's buddies now with the bartender and a bunch of local guys).
We've argued separately about the bar issues before. However, last night I was very, very hurt because this isn't just some shooting the breeze after work type of deal; he went there to deal with a serious issue. He didn't invite me (his response: "you're always invited."). I asked him if he wanted me to go to court with him. He said "I don't even want to go. You should go to work. It's not like you can help me; what are you gonna do, sit in the back and watch?"
It turned into a rather big blowout and I stormed out. I got about 30 miles down the highway, pulled off to a crowded Chili's, and ordered three double rum and cokes. It was not a pleasant night. Furthermore, a persistent man wouldn't leave me alone and kept hitting on me (go figure, he's divorced with kids). I got annoyed and told him that yes, I'm upset with my boyfriend, but I still love him and he's barking up the wrong tree. Guys are such stubborn jerks. I just feel so sad. Why am I even there if I'm not needed?
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After eating something and
After eating something and sobering up a bit, I did drive home. I really don't drink very often; I hate being hung-over more than anything and alcohol hits me pretty hard. Actually, the persistent guy ordered my third drink, but I didn't drink it. It just sounded more melodramatic to say three without that explanation.
I understand what you're saying and I saw a lot of that happening as it was happening. Still, I was upset too, and I felt that his escapism was always the same and always a bad idea. I was also angry at him because I really do think that some of this is his fault, and he's not taking any responsibility for it. I don't like BM, but he's not even doing the legwork to defend himself properly; he'd rather just talk a bunch of crap about her than do the necessary things to keep her from causing so many problems.
And really, I don't want to have to wait around to "make myself available to talk to him in the way he wants to." If I do that he'll pretty much never talk to me. He never WANTS to. He'd rather keep it all from me because they're "his problems, not mine" and because I "can't do anything to help." He doesn't see me as a safe place to fall, that's the problem. He refuses to rely on me in any emotional way, and instead bottles his issues up and keeps them from me.
Wine always hits me harder
Wine always hits me harder than "hard" liquor. Maybe because it actually tastes good I drink more??
Anyway, my guy's kinda the same with the exception that he actually will talk to me about anything . . . except the legal stuff. I'm "allowed" (not a good word, but the best I can think of) to ask general questions (i.e. "What'd your lawyer have to say today?"), but *not* allowed to expand upon any issue unless I want to deal with a big blow up. GA is a mommy state, and he's been screwed everytime there's been any sort of court or mediation (right now he has to pay half his income in CS and is only allowed visitation when in GA "as allowed per his military schedule" which basically means never), so it's a touchy subject for him. I'd say just recognize that isn't something he wants to talk about - ever - and drop it. If you keep pushing the issue, to him, you just sound like a nag so, of course, he wants to get away.
The drinking is another issue all together. If he's just chillin' at the bar, that's one thing, but if he's getting drunk every night, that's a whole different ball of wax.
You mean I wasn't bad ass!?!
You mean I wasn't bad ass!?! Dang. I was going for the angry brooding thing.
Like I said, I don't drink much, and it doesn't take much to get me all red. And I chose Chili's because I figured everyone would be watching the game and would leave me the heck alone. Besides, there's kids/families/tons of non-drinking people around, so how sleazy can anyone be there? Ugh, wrong. I know! What an insult with this guy! And the jerk kept trying to pull the "oh, you're too drunk to drive home, how about coming to my place..." Must be BM's week with the kids. Grrr
Girl, you bring the humor and the corkscrew, I'll bring the wine and the dart board, and we'll get this show on the road.
Chile's?? Watered down
Chile's??
Watered down drinks!!
UGH and what a topper! Hit on by a man with baggage!!
I swear there are so many out there. . .roving men with kids who are taking it up the tailpipe by the BM and are just looking for a sugar mama!!
GG is the same way. He NEVER wants to challenge the BM in court or any other way. Just wants to displace his anger over his sitch on ME!!!
I like this response. He is
I like this response.
He is sulking and using the bar and drinking to escape. Bad habit to start. If it continues, be worried. For now, he doesn't want anything but pity. I don't think he should get it. He needs to learn to get over it.