I need someones help
My husband and i got married in October of 2023. At that point he had a daughter we'll call her Z. She was from a previous gf/bf realationship. She was less than a year old then. There were soemone custody issues due to the grandmother of Z on her moms side, which resulted in my husband we'll call his S to not see her until the day of her 1st birthday. They went to mediation and they have a temp parenting plan until August of this year where they are supposed to have S get more time like over nights etc. Since we've seen Z more ive been struggling with my role as her step parent. Ive been told by S and even Z's mom that they dont have any restrictions for me and what i do for Z as her step mom. Ive been told multiple times by S that i am Z's mom too. Not like a step mom a mom mom. Now my own mother and everyone from my family told me to not take this to heart becasue when it comes descion making they wont stick to the Im her mom too thing. I tried and tried to not let it affect my realtionship with Z and the way i view her in my life but i did. I saw her as my daughter too. This is partially because Ive been struggling to get pregnant because of my recent PCOS diagnosis. This has casused my alot of emotional turmoil as i desperatley want kids of my own. I didnt want to put Z into that space in my mind becasue i knew it would hurt me later and low and behold it has. today S and I were discussing the overnights we were going to want to have with the upcoming mediation. He was disagreeing with what i was saying and said that it wasnt my descion anyway. That completly broke my heart. I mean i knew it was coming but i didnt expcet it to be from him not my husband. I was so utterly broken inside because i had put Z in that spot in my head, she was my daughter she still is to be honest. I love her so much i cant even describe it. But she isnt ulitmtley my kid, and now i dont know how to go forward. Im still struggling with my fertility issues and having to see my husband be a Dad to a kid that isnt mine. I feel broken, i feel broken for myself, for my children im struggling to have, and most of all for my daughter Z whom i love like my own but cant treat her like it. I need someone to talk to about all this. Im 21 ( everyone is around the same age) and i dont know how to navigate this role. Please just someone help im losing my mind.
Please no judgement trust me im doing enough of that to myself.
And also i am already in therapy
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S and I were discussing the
S and I were discussing the overnights we were going to want to have with the upcoming mediation. He was disagreeing with what i was saying and said that it wasnt my descion anyway.
She may not be your kid but you still have a say on what goes on in your home and the visitation schedule is included in that. He should have stayed single if he just wants to do whatever he wants because that's not how a partnership works.
It’s your home. You are queen of the castle.
Who stays , when they stay , is your decision. You are the adult. You need a court order on visitation. A CO what fully spells out when she stays with you. Vacation time , holiday times. Summers when school is closed. So everyone knows. when she will be with you and not.
I the end it will stop some of the crazy nonsense going on.
I was in this situation. I
I was in this situation. I was 18 when I met DH. He was 20 and had 10 month old SS with BM from a high school dating relationship. They never married and never lived together. BM had sole custody due to them being unmarried and DH had to fight tooth and nail to see SS (different long story). Watching DH be a Dad with his ex to a child who wasn't ours was hard, especially at that young age. I wanted to be "Mom" so badly, and it was hard knowing I wasn't and would never be that to SS. I outgrew that with age and maturity. Now, I do not envy BM at all and I realize that even though DH and her share a child together, that means almost nothing, compared to my relationship with DH. Just because they have a child together now, doesn't mean they still love each other (or even like each other). DH has done a good job setting strong boundaries with BM since she is high conflict and things are mostly calm now; BM and DH rarely communicate and they parallel parent. But it was a good 5-7 years of total hell to reach this point. SS is now 12.5 and we are biding our time until he turns 18 and this co-parenting/legal court order is over for good.
My recommendation - stay out of it. Tell DH what your expectations/boundaries are for schedules, your involvement in parenting during his time, etc. DO NOT get involved in the direct co-parenting between BM and DH (even if they encourage it). Something will happen, a disagreement will occur, and you will somehow be the scapegoat. And eventually, if BM feels threatened/jealous by your involvement, she is going to cause issues with you. Been there, done that for years, will never ever do it again. I haven't had direct contact with BM in almost 6 years and honestly, I wish I would have done that sooner instead of trying to be helpful to save myself the trauma, anxiety, and stress.
If you want to remain in this relationship, I recommend seeking counseling. Counseling helped me immensely to navigate these complex feelings. You can discuss your fertility issues, your feelings about your DH and his ex, the child, etc. and help learn positive coping mechanisms. But stay out of the co-parenting dynamic completely. Work to find alternatives if being a mother is really what you want - surrogacy, adoption, fostering, etc. Do not rely on Z to fill that void because you will only end up brokenhearted.
He was disagreeing with what
oop! He would have been sleeping on the cot in the basement for that comment
As mentioned above if he involves his kid in your household you absolutely have decision making power and if he wants to be the sole decision maker then he needs to be single as stated earlier.
These Disney dads want the best of both worlds ... have a step mom come pay bills, cook, clean after, take care of their kids but don't want you to be able to speak on schedules/rules/discipline (All the things their kids do that significantly affect the quality of our lives) ..... basically acting as if he wanted a glorified sl@ve? (Actually almost worse than a slave bc you paying to be the doormat)
idk have a conversation with him and get clarity on what he meant by that
My goodness, Hon! You are a
My goodness, Hon! You are a mere 21-years-old and have 3 decades ahead of you for baby-making. At present, you should be enjoying a few years of childlessness; tending to an infant/small child is an incredibly tough job and, at 21, you’re not much more than a child yourself.
Most people your age earn barely enough to cover the basics and babies are expensive! Having them in one’s late 20’s and early 30’s, when one’s finances have improved, is a more stable point in time for parenthood. Perhaps you’re feeling jealousy because your future child will not be your husband’s first? That would be very understandable and sadly, your DH sounds rather immature, considering his thoughtless and contradictory comment that overnights were not your decision.
It's good to hear that you’re undergoing therapy; you’ve got a lot on your plate, emotionally speaking. You might wish to include your DH in a session or two since his insensitivity, in my opinion, has a lot to do with your anxiety and confusion. In my many years of life, I’ve noted that a relaxed, contented woman is a lot more likely to conceive than one who is stressed and upset.
Being in your shoes.
I would run. You should not be fighting at this time. Your honeymoon ti me. If it's not good now I ys never going to get better.
When someone shows and tells
When someone shows and tells you who they are, believe them. When that same person tells you that you do not matter to them, believe them.
DH told you that you do not matter when he told you it is not your decision. A marriage is an all in equity life partnership.How much visitation a SKid has visiting your home is definately your decision even more than it is your DH's or the SKid's BM's decision.
Be wary of procreating with this guy.
Take care of you.
Absolutely... that child is
Absolutely... that child is not yours.. and you are not the mother despite others telling you that you are.. and in all likelihood it's because it's self serving to them to have you want to be her mother.. so you will do their job and take a load off of them some of the time. Even your husband is pushing his responsibility to care for his child on you.. and it's convenient.. until it isn't for him that you are invested in the child.
But make no mistake.. when the chips hit the fan.. you will be reminded of the biological fact that you are NOT the mother.
Of course, you should have input on how your home runs.. and that home involves HIS child and you should be able to have some input on the schedule.. considering the FACT that they all expect you to care for the child on his watch. That means.... even if the child is not yours biologically.. your input on how they structure visitation is valid. Now, ultimately, you are now owed a place at the legal negotiation table.. but your DH does owe you the respect of listening to your ideas.. and if he doesn't agree.. he can tell you the reasons your ideas aren't going to work.. or his reasons for wanting the different way.. what he doesn't do is remind you it's not your place to have an opinion.