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I have reached my limits!

JustanotherSM17's picture

Submitted by JustanotherSM17 on Fri, 12/27/2024 - 9:38am

I'm sure most of you are aware of the absolute crap show  SD15 pulled the whole week of Christmas. She has not apologized for her behavior nor did she even reach out to DH to even tell him Merry Christmas. I have had my fair share of limits with SD, I tried to be nothing but nice to SD and I got pooped on, I tried disengage and it worked for a while until crap like this comes up and it absolutely unavoidable. I know it's not my right to tell DH that SD is not allowed here due to her behavior but I really really don't want to be around her. I have only asked one time that she not come over and that was when she told lies about me and our kiddos to BM family. DH still had not had a talk with her about her horrible behavior and that is another issue that is bugging me! He knows he needs to tell her something but I don't understand why he is unwilling to let SD have it. DH has no problem getting on our children and disciplining them, and they are much younger then SD. SD continues to disrespect DH, and our family and enough is enough but it's like how do you discipline a child who doesn't live with you and doesn't come around ? I guess that's the excuse DH gives himself, " what can I do, she is never around" I just want to know if anyone has been in this type of situation and what advice would you give ? It probably would not even bother me if DH and I didn't have kids together , why should I care if SD treats him like crap. But since we do have children together and I see him parent them, discipline them ans teach them how to behave and with SD , she literally gets away with everything and is treated like a baby and that pisses me off. 

Comments

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Fri, 12/27/2024 - 1:00pm

You have every right to ask your DH to see his toxic daugther away from the marital home. She is rude and toxic. She's negatively impacting you and the other children in the home. And your DH refuses to address the issues and discipline his kid. Tell him to deal with his unwarrented daddy guilt so he can raise his daughter properly or start getting a hotel / AirBnB for visitation.

For what it's worth, technique of seeing toxic kids away from the marital home is exactly what our therapist suggested -and we agreed to use. DH sees his kids away from our home and me. Only recently have two of them been here due to behavior changes and my boundaries. 

JustanotherSM17's picture

Submitted by JustanotherSM17 on Fri, 12/27/2024 - 2:45pm

Yea I didn't know if I had the right to ask that of him because after her horrible behavior all Christmas week I do not want her here ! She is now ignoring DH and I'm just like, really the nerve of this kid!!! Ignoring him! He should have never ever gave her the Christmas money . If she continues to ignore him I will tell him that she is not welcome her behavior improves

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Fri, 12/27/2024 - 4:26pm

Oh, you do have the right to keep her out of your home. My DH, like CajunMom's, has primarily seen his kids outside of our home because of rude behavior. That has worked for us. 

JustanotherSM17's picture

Submitted by JustanotherSM17 on Fri, 12/27/2024 - 6:34pm

Ugh I'm pissed . I swear to god what does the girl need to do in order for DH to tell her something !!!!! I told him earlier today that he needs to call SD and have a serious talk with her and let her know that her behavior will not be tolerated or her disrespect! He should have had that talk with her already but as usual he waits and waits then talks to her like nothing happened! I told him that right now is the perfect time to talk to her while the both are off and have time! Tell me why he texted her and was talking to her as if nothing happened , wtf . She was telling him she got a new bag to use for when she comes over, I'm like ummm noooo. Ugh I swear ! 

Trudie's picture

Submitted by Trudie on Sat, 12/28/2024 - 9:54am

I would see this exact same thing occur. DH would overlook OSD's nonsense and act as if nothing had happened. (Plenty had happened!) I think he was afraid of making her angry. My therapist said the family would grab on to that one nugget of 'good' and run with it, proving to themselves all was well...major denial. I pointed it out! EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. He has really come a long way, through the combination of therapy and me holding him accountable. I think he ignored it all because he did not want to acknowledge just how dysfunctional OSD really is...but he 'knew'. He is now paying for years of of denial. However, consistency, hard work, and accountability can bring good results if you stick with it.

JustanotherSM17's picture

Submitted by JustanotherSM17 on Sat, 12/28/2024 - 11:53am

He finally called her and spoke with her last night after I told him she could not return to our home until he does so. I'm it sure how it went, he didn't tell me about it, he only said that her " phone died" so they would continue the conversation later. We shall see

Trudie's picture

Submitted by Trudie on Sat, 12/28/2024 - 3:57pm

...give us the update. I am hoping for a positive outcome.

Trudie's picture

Submitted by Trudie on Sat, 12/28/2024 - 3:58pm

Yes, you can ask your DH to see his daughter elsewhere! Especially when it affects you and your children in a negative way. Protect your peace. Protect your kids. Protect your marriage. Good luck!

dragonfly878's picture

Submitted by dragonfly878 on Sat, 12/28/2024 - 10:45am

Classic DH issue... I deal with it too but I don't have people enabling my DH in the same way as yours (MIL and SIL).... he "wants her around" but doesn't actually want to patent... I quite literally don't talk to SS... nothing... i figure a nonexistent relationship is better than a bad one... 

Every time your DH goes to parent your kids tell him (in front of them) to stop... that you won't allow him to treat your kids different than precious SD. Let THEM see the double standard and call him out.... "why do you yell at our bio for this- but you don't reprimand SD for that?" Let the kids who are around call him out...

JustanotherSM17's picture

Submitted by JustanotherSM17 on Sat, 12/28/2024 - 11:59am

Ugh yes . SIL constantly stepping in and calling BM herself needs to stop but I know DH will never tell his sister anything. MIL has backed off a lot so I'll give her that. SD loves to get her cousin involved too ( DH niece) I also do point it out to him that he treats SD and our kids differently. I tell him often but I know he is afraid to upset SD for some reason. I told him yesterday that he is a toilet for SD to Sh*t in anytime she wants lol . He said he would come down on her and let her know she was in the wrong and it won't be tolerated. We will see what happens on New Year's Eve . I don't even know what type of relationship to have with my SD at this point. I have tried them all but I guess I'll go back to a nonexistent one

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 12/28/2024 - 11:32am

Your kids like SD.   Since. ''''Since''' SH doesn't want to sit on SD and her bad behavior.  He must see her outside the home. They can stay at Motek 6. Not a nice place.   Nothing wrong for holding  DH's feet to the fire for bad or no parenting.  Maybe a few trips to Motol 6 will change things   
SD don't have to love you. But just respect you.