cancel vacation?
DH and I have his kids 50% of the time. I put their needs ahead of mine most of the time, and spend hours planning fun weekends, I cook and clean, I talk to them and I try hard to teach them things and be a good, positive influence in their lives, despite the fact that it is often really hard for me to give up so much of my time and energy, particularly when my connection to them is so tenuous and seems to change at any time at their whim.
Recently, we've been going on vacations with our parents -- his or mine -- and both sets of parents adore the kids and love spending one-on-one time with them. During these vacations, everything is focused on the kids -- most of the trips are spent going to kid museums, shows, the swimming pool, doing kid sports, etc. There is very, very little free time to relax and unwind. DH is completely absorbed by the kids during these trips, with one exception: he takes time off (leaving me to watch the kids) to play golf with his father.
Both sets of parents repeatedly offer to take the kids for a bit and give us alone time. I am pregnant and exhausted, and I really need some time "off" on these vacations so that I can rest, and I'd like a tiny bit of time with DH so that I can have an adult conversation and not feel so lonely. The kids are very focused on DH, and often I feel like a non-entity when DH is around.
We are leaving for a trip to see DH's parents tonight. This morning, DH asked me what I would like from him during this trip "so that we don't fight." In the past, DH has insisted that he will only give me time during our vacations if he "feels like he wants to." He has never wanted to, and that has always been very hurtful to me but it is something that I've just decided that I need to learn to live with somehow. Suddenly, today DH presented it like everything had changed, but it felt really contrived to me -- it seemed like he was throwing me a bone so that I wouldn't be upset when he goes to play golf with his father. But, I answered the question with what I geniunely want: I would like a 1/2 hour to an hour daily of "adult" time, without having to force it into the early mornings or evenings after the kids are in bed, but something more natural, like a walk after lunch or something that comes up spontaneously as a break from all the kid-centric activity. I shared that I hope to one day live a life where it is normal for us to take a walk alone to talk and have some peace whenever things are getting stressful and one of us needs a rest. To me, part of being in a healthy family is being able to break away from the group and do things alone, particularly for the parents. DH quickly indicated that this was NOT what he wanted, and he said he was only comfortable doing things alone after the kids are in bed. I am pregnant and totally exhausted at night, so that doesn't work so well for me. He offered a daytime walk on the golf course while he hits golf balls, but wasn't ok with any other daytime options.
When I got upset that this really wasn't a change at all, he accused me of only wanting this time because I want to compete with the kids, and only being happy if I "win." Honestly, it was like a smack in my face. In my opinion, I was asking for a very short, small thing for a break during the chaos, and he made it into something dirty and made me this evil, wicked stepmother who is out to get the kids.
I don't know what to do. I feel like if he truly believes that my motivation for alone time is to directly compete and "win" against the kids, how can our marriage and family work? How will I ever feel comfortable being a part of this family?
I haven't wanted to go on this trip from the beginning, and this has really been the breaking point for me.
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Yeah, but here's the
Yeah, but here's the difference: your DH is willing to do things that you like, mine won't! In my case, I can either go for walks with him on the golf course, or forget any time alone. And, in this case we have grandparents who are dying for alone time with the kids...
Nights don't work for us because I'm really exhausted around 9 due to pregnancy -- I can't keep my eyes open.
I read that book about the
I read that book about the five love languages, it's a good one! Made total sense to me.
Thanks for the book rec, I'll
Thanks for the book rec, I'll check it out.
Honestly, I don't think I am a quality time person! This was my ask: a half hour to an hour daily, at some point during our vacation days, where we could leave the kids with the grandparents and take a quick walk and just decompress. Golf takes at least 4 hours, and during that time I'm watching the kids -- they are really needy and young, and they need a ton of attention. If either of us around, they wo't refocus on the grandparents.
Do you really think a half hour to an hour of adult time is such a big ask? I don't know...this is just feeling more and more like not the right situation for me.
"Do you really think a half
"Do you really think a half hour to an hour of adult time is such a big ask? I don't know...this is just feeling more and more like not the right situation for me."
It doesn't seem right at all. The book is a great book to read and I recommend it but I'm not sure your issue with him and time together is about love languages. I think your DH is taking you for granted and not pulling his weight in your relationship. It sounds like even if he knew what your love language was, he wouldn't speak it.
"DH has insisted that he will
"DH has insisted that he will only give me time during our vacations if he "feels like he wants to."
Sorry to be blunt here but your DH sounds like a bit of a jerk. You shouldn't have to ask for time with your husband on vacation. He should WANT to spend one on one time with you as much as you do with him. As for his arguments about you competing with the kids, sounds like he's using that as an excuse. I don't know, none of this seems right.
I agree, and that is kind of
I agree, and that is kind of my point. He is really just a jerk about this. He claims it is because we have the kids only 50% of the time...but that doesn't explain his 4-hour golf breaks, does it?
We catch up on all the work
We catch up on all the work we missed by racing out of our offices to get the kids early 2-3x a week, DH plays golf, I read, we go to dinners with friends and alone. When we have the kids, it is 24/7 kid time. When they are gone, a lot of our life is catch-up.
My issue isn't about our "normal" life. My issue is what happens on our vacations, which are also my vacations, but which feel like only DH's vacations (and definitely the kids vacations).
Don't go - I'd love to have a
Don't go - I'd love to have a weekend or even just a day completely alone. I'm pregnant and due on Monday and this would be the greatest thing ever. Time to just relax, sleep, go get a pedicure, baby shop and just lounge around and watch what I want on TV.
If he feels like you are competeing with his kids, it's not going to work - What is he going to do when you new one comes along and you want just some family time - the 3 of you?
I agree. And when the parents
I agree. And when the parents are even offering to watch the kids so you two can have some time and he won't, it sounds like they are seeing more then they are saying.
yeah, the only way I can
yeah, the only way I can really involve them is if they get directly involved. Last trip, they really pressed us to go do something alone, but DH wasn't willing and was so nervous about leaving the skids. Ultimately, we got to play tennis once, but SD6 wouldn't leave his side so she sat on the side lines, calling things out to us as we played, while DH's mom stayed beside her. Definitely not a real break.
I think that the offer of
I think that the offer of golfing with him was a nice gesture on your hubbys part as a compromise to spending time with you away from the kids.
I can tell you that I was married to a man for ten years who played golf all the time and never once did he ask me to play or walk the course with him, it was always "his thing" which I was fine with (we all need our own "thing"). However, when we divorced and I met current hubby, I remember being floored when he told me he was going to play golf with a friend and asked if I wanted to walk the course with them! I thought wow, all those years married to ex-reject he never ONCE asked me to share in something he enjoyed, (it was all about him after all). And while I really had no desire to play golf, it was nice to be asked instead of automatically excluded. The funny thing is I did go walk the course with him, really enjoyed it and actually started playing golf 2 years ago and love it!
The part I kind of don't understand is why your hubby does not feel comfortable doing something alone with you before kid bedtime, when grandparents are there and more than willing to watch kids for an hour or whatever? That seems a little ridiculous to me.
I agree with Stepinsanity... either don't go, or go and disengage from hubby and Skids and enjoy some alone time before baby is born!
sorry meant that I agree with
sorry meant that I agree with Suzie
Yeah, that's the issue: I'm
Yeah, that's the issue: I'm fine with golf, I'm happy for him when he gets to play golf, I just REALLY really resent it when he will leave to play golf but NOT to be with me. Golf = 4+ hours, at least. I'm asking for one pathetic half hour at some random point in the day to take a walk and get OUT of my inlaws house for a little bit and be able to breathe.
Just seems incredibly selfish to me.
agreed!
agreed!
yep, exactly. that is exactly
yep, exactly. that is exactly how i would describe my situation, unfortunately.
I agree with Vickmeister. I
I agree with Vickmeister.
I also have a fiance that doesn't need to have any alone time with me when the skids are around, and their bedtime just keeps getting later and later. They get up in the morning when we do, and don't go to bed much earlier, so it is difficult to scrape some alone time together.
But, it is unrealistic to expect you to babysit the skids when he is golfing. If his time with his children is so precious, why does he go golfing? That takes time away from his kids, doesn't it? He won't take time away from them for you, so in reality, he is putting himself first.
Just my two cents worth
Right -- exactly. If he
Right -- exactly. If he can't leave the kids for a minute with me, then why can he leave to golf? It just doesn't make any sense to me, and it is so hurtful and insulting. I go on these trips, and I don't get a break -- his parents live in the middle of nowhere, and there is no where to escape to if he is away from the house and the kids are there.
When we are with the kids in our "normal" life I don't ask for any alone time. If we are with the kids on vacation and no parents are around, I also don't ask for anything. I am only asking for these vacations where we are with DH's parents -- who are DYING to be alone with the kids -- and which are also my vacations from my crazy, hectic job.
At this point, if he doesn't apologize for telling me that I am just asking for this time to "compete and win" against the kids, I'm not going. I don't need this.
yeah, thanks. i agree, i
yeah, thanks. i agree, i think letting me watch him play golf is a sucky compromise. i think it is pretty degrading, actually.
i'm not happy. i'm happy with him when we don't have the kids. i'm happy with the kids when they are the fun, cool kids that they often are. i'm just VERY unhappy with him when we have the kids.
yeah, he gets that, and that
yeah, he gets that, and that is why this is utterly ridiculous. he IS willing to leave for golf. he is not willing to leave for ANYTHING else, including his wife.
That's so interesting,
That's so interesting, because it sounds exactly what DH said to me! It was out of the blue and kind of shocking to hear it.
The only difference is that we have been together for years, and DH has always held this really firm stance on not being apart from the skids on our vacations. For example a while ago we went to visit my parents in Florida. They adore the kids, and the kids love them back. My parents really, really wanted to take the kids out for dinner one night -- they wanted us to have time alone and wanted time with their stepgrandkids! DH made such a fuss about it that we dropped the plan, although DH allowed them to go get ice cream together while we took a short walk. The kids and my parents had a blast, but DH and I were miserable (DH because the kids were away, me because I am so sick of this (*#$(#)*.)
So, while I don't think this particular fight is attached to the baby, perhaps DH is being more annoying than usual because of it.
You should not go and get all
You should not go and get all the relaxation you can handle while he does all the stuff with his parents and kids. When he gets back I bet he will want to spend some time with you then. I am from the SHOW ME state, lol. I can show him better than I can tell him and his a$$ would be going without!!!! Good luck.
thanks. yeah, i agree. i've
thanks. yeah, i agree. i've just absolutely had it. usually he can talk me into this stuff but this time he pushed me too far with the comments about how i'm trying to "win" in a competition with his kids.
You have every reason to be
You have every reason to be angry and he should be ashamed of himself for saying those things to you. What in the hell could you possibly be "winning" by wanting to spend a measley 30 minutes of alone time with your husband? He sounds selfish and I wish you the best of luck with your baby on the way. I think if you take my advice and not go he will realize that you are really fed up with the BS and possibly start to rethink his words and actions. I think this will make him take you and your needs more seriously.
Let me give you a little example of what I had to do in the beginning. My husband (boyfriend at the time) refused to give me the time I needed and practically begged for in the beginning of our relationship. After a few months of the BS I got fed up and told him that there were plenty of other men out there that would absolutely LOVE to spend time with me. He didn't like that comment at all. I am no supermodel or anything but he noticed how other men checked me out and some even tried to speak to me when he wasn't right by my side. I know this is more difficult for you because you are pregnant but use the same tactic. Tell him that you don't care to go on the trip and that you are too pregnant and exhausted to do all of these things with HIS kids and HIS parents so you are just going to stay home and focus on yourself and the unborn baby. This will show him that you are putting yourself first for a change.