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Two "entitled" teenage SD

Misunderstood SM's picture

So I've been married to my DH for almost 2 years now. He has two daughters 15 and 11, I have 4 kids. 1 girl and 3 boys all under 8 y/o. My children adore my DH and consider him their bonus dad as their father is no longer in the picture. My DH has been accepted since day one and he has never had to deal with angry and disrespectful attitudes. My DH treats them as his own and when it's just us we feel like a natural family. I on the other hand have not been so lucky. 

I understand I came into my SDs lives at an age where their emotions are more mature and have a huge feeling of resentment towards me. I try not to let them get to me, and to their faces they "dont" but deep down they make my blood boil. I could honestly never see them again and I wouldn't loose a wink of sleep. I feel like a monster sometimes for feeling this way. I've always hoped that one day if I ever became a SP that i would love my DH children as my own, but unfortunately that is not the case. It's not that I cant it's that they make it hard to do so. I've read blogs and have done research on how to blend families, what to do when SKids dont want to accept you and I've tried EVERYTHING. I give them their space and try not to force myself on them, I try to include them in all family aspects, I've tried to do one on one time. I've tried letting my DH spend alone time with them, I've gotten babysitters and tried spending time with just them and my DH. No matter what nothing works and I'm to the point where I want to hide and never see them again. But I'm a realist and understand that is not a healthy solution. 

 

Some back story. Sorry it will be long but I need to vent as everyone I have talked to gives me the Same bullshit story. "They are kids, dont let them get to you." But how do you not let them get to you. 

 

Let's go back a few years.... when my DH and I first started dating and his Ex found out I was in the picture, she made it very clear that I was not to be around her children. She was their mother and I would not come in and try to replace her and they would NEVER CALL ME MOM. I wasnt allowed to see them but somehow During our dating years I recieved nasty letters from the oldest daughter and snap chats calling me a WHORE. When my DH called to discipline SD she refused to answer his call. He then called EX and she laughed and said well what would you like me to do. This behavior continued until the EX wife met her boyfriend. Randomly one day she tells DH that he needed to start doing over nights at our house instead of picking up SDs for the day because she wanted her alone time with her new boyfriend. We started having them over and trying to break down the damage she had caused. They viewed me as a homewrecker and the evil Stepmom. But I told my SD i would not hold all the nasty things she said and did to me over her head and we would start fresh. I told her I just wanted to be her friend and not her new mommy and I will be here in anyway she needed me to be. Things went ok at first, but then the competition began. He couldn't show me or my children any attention. They would go home and say I was mean and yelled at them, glared at them and treated them horrible and my kids got the royal treatment. I've always left discipline up to my DH so if there was an issue I would address him so he could address it. I then became the nagging SM who was "picking" on his children. But non the less I still kept my emotions inside in front of them. On Christmas my children had an extra present while wrapping and I told my DH we needed to buy them one more to be even. He said it was ok because they get 4 Christmas and one present wouldnt hurt. I still didn't think that was fair, so I went out and bought them each one extra present with my own money. Come Christmas day they hated every present and stopped talking to my DH for a month, refusing to come over because my kids got better gifts and they were left out. But let me tell you. My kids got black Friday gifts and his kids got 80 dollar shoes, nail kits, movies, giftcards. You name it. Finally my DH got his kids to come around again. But during that time they came and hid in their room and refused to join in. Which is fine because they are becoming teenagers. But then they would complain that my DH wouldnt spend time with them. One time they came over for his birthday and didnt say a word to him. They hid in their room and then called their mom to leave early and then said we ignored them the whole time. On fathersday they text the day before saying they didnt want to come over and then the day after they send mean text saying who doesnt spend fathers day with their own children. And that he needs to pick me or them now. These little brats are manipulative and think they are entitled and can control their father. My DH has said he is not picking me and he is not picking them. He is picking US. I have not done anything justifiable to warrant a break up and they need to just accept that we are together. 

 

 I could rant on and on. But who has time to read my whole life. Lol. So I guess here come the real part. ADVICE from anyone and anyone. Am I wrong to hate my step kids. Am I wrong to never want to see them. They are back on a, I hate you kick and have refused to come over for a month again and my DH is ready to say enough is enough and make them come back over. As a parent I understand. He loves his kids. But for me I dont love them and life has been so calm and enjoyable with out them in it. Help. 

Comments

Thisisnotus's picture

Op could answer this with before, during or after and it doesn’t matter one bit.  With BMs like the one she is dealing with.....there is no time limit on crazy.

justmakingthebest's picture

How often are the girls there? I ask because I am wondering if it is possible to make you and your kids scarce on those days (this would be more feasible if it was one weekend a month, of course). 

If it's Every Other Weekend, maybe one of those weekends you take off with your kids to spend time with aunts/uncles/grandparents on your side? 

I am not saying that the teens have ANY right to make you leave your home, but I am sometimes one for the path of least resistance. If me and mine leaving for the weekend, and we get to have fun with other people, I see it as a win-win. 

Disengaging is also going to be the key. Step back and treat them like you would a stranger. Generally courteous, but you don't actually talk to them, you don't care what they are doing, you don't include them in your life. You will have to figure out how that would look in your marriage and your family, but there are levels to it. Some SM's go on a cooking strike while Skids are there, just because they are tired of the BS with the picky eaters. Some SM's still plan for the family meal but don't do anything other than put the food on the table- eat, don't eat- don't care. 

With your kids being younger- I don't see the teens jumping up to go play at a splash pad park or even the play ground near by. Take a picnic and go for the afternoon! Don't worry about what they are doing and you will find it much easier! 

Misunderstood SM's picture

I dont have any family where I live. I moved to a new state when I married my ex husband. I stayed after our divorce. 

 

I've tried getting lost but they will hide in their room or have their nose in their phone and not want to do any thing with DH unless he is playing ATM machine. I do go places with just my kids but all day is too long with nothing to do. I try to save my running around for their weekends and take off with my kids for as long as I can. 

 

STaround's picture

YOu got a subsititue dad for your kids, and you note that their father is no longer in the picture.   They may feel they have been replaced.  and of course you should not be called mom.  

Agree with disengage.

tog redux's picture

Interesting that you think a substitute dad is somehow better than a real dad. The SDs have their REAL dad - OP's kids do not. Not sure how you count that as a net win for the OP's kids.

tog redux's picture

Isn't that a good thing? Why do you only feel sorry for skids who have stepmothers, and not those with stepfathers?  OP's kids are stepkids too, don't they deserve the same empathy as DH's kids?

Disneyfan's picture

I don't know.

The SK's are absolutely awful.  But I can understand their anger( NOT THEIR BEHAVIOR).  Chances are they feel outnumbered and displaced by all of the OP's kids.  

My stepsister had/has these exact feelings about my sister and I.  Ironically, my sister is kind to my mom(her SM) but rarely interacts with my sister and I.  My parents have been married for 45 years and my stepsister still feels she (and her kids) have been displaced by my sister and I ( and our kids).

She never pulled the crap the OP's SKs pulled.  Probably because she knew that my mom and dad would have tore into her ass QUICKLY if she dared to.

tog redux's picture

And OP's kids shouldn't resent these entitled brats invading their home? Anger at a family change is fine, but someone like your stepsister who hangs onto bitterness for 45 years has deeper issues. 

I do think that DH should spend time alone with his kids, but I think all parents should spend alone time with each kid.  

STaround's picture

How long OPs DH was divorced, or if he was divorced, when they met.   Not giving kids time to adjust can increase problems too. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Your feelings are natural and you're not wrong in feeling how you do. It seems like the BM has brain washed the SD's into thinking you "wrecked their home" and are the reason why their parents are not together. They dont' realize that you came into the picture after the divorce and your H needs to make that clear to them. I put a lot of their behavior and how they treat you on your H as well because he needs to regulate and give consequences to disrespectful behavior. What action does he take when the girls behave this way?

You have taken time to tell SD's you don't want to play mommy and to be honest right now what you need to do is disengage. Always remain cordial say hi and goodbye but nothing else. I wouldn't spend a dime on them, cook their meals, take them out, or play chauffer. Leave it to your H to do ALL of the footwork and you tend to your 4 kids. You've tried all you could & to no avail, now its time to create healthy boundaries for you in order to keep your sanity. I wouldn't tell H your disengaging but rather show him with your actions, once he sees it you can explain to him that he needs to take action and step things up. If not your marriage will fail.

I wish you well OP and please don't be hard on yourself. Step Life is not easy and its difficult to navigage when you have a manipulative BM on the scene.

 

Misunderstood SM's picture

Thank you so much. A positive reaction. I understand this is open to public so there will be tons of OPINIONS. But I just simply need advice not judgement. I'm a very level headed and understanding person. I always view things with 2 sides and think of things from everyone's perspective. I've gone to lengths of staying up for hours fo research helpful tips and forums to try to help our situation. NOTHING WORKS.  I've been disengaging and Skids are now wanting to stay at BIO moms and only have day dates on weekend with DH. I'm happy with this outcome. I dont have to get anxiety from seeing them and DH still gets to see his kids and so far they are happy with the arrangement. I hope it last 

hereiam's picture

You are not wrong to never want to see them. Anybody who called me a whore would not be welcome in my home.

My SD stopped coming over for awhile when she was 15. I stayed out of it and did not encourage DH to "make" her (which wouldn't have worked, anyway, BM would have seen to that). The last thing I wanted in my home, was a sullen teenager who didn't want to be here. My SD was not nearly as bratty as your two but it still was nice to not have all of the drama. When she did come back over for visitation, it was short lived, as soon as DH upset her (she was being a brat to our niece), she stopped, again. Fine with me!

I know it's hard for kids of divorce, I know it's hard to see their dad become "dad" to other kids, to love another woman who is not their mom, but that is no excuse for some of these kids to act the way they do. And the parents that let them get away with it (or encourage it, like some BMs), just flabbergast me.

I felt bad for my SD, not having her dad everyday like she did when she was young, but her parents' marriage didn't work (should have never happened in the first place) and that was not my fault.

 

Misunderstood SM's picture

Yes!!!! Thank you. Their behavior is the issue. My DH has tried to disciple and then they say F you and refuse to come over. It is pure bliss them BM forces them back over and they treat me like shit till DH disciplines them. It's a never ending roller coaster and I just want OFF. 

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

Not doing anything is saying to these girls that their behaviour is ok. It’s not ok. 

Misunderstood SM's picture

My DH didnt at first because he felt bad for them. But then he saw how nasty they truly were and started to correct it. Then they refused to come over. He finally worked it out with them on the contingency that they get him for day dates and no over nights. I'm happy with that. However now it feels like we have 2 lives

Harry's picture

To be family with you,  they will find aby excuse to cause trouble.  You have to disengage from them.  Don’t cook clean, buy them anything. Take them anywhere, no vacations for them. Let DH take care of them.

WTF...REALLY's picture

 from my experience, there’s really nothing you can do to change the situation. The girls were taught to hate you before they even met you. And a mother’s words are very powerful upon  daughters. 

  all you can do is support and love your husband. Be the best mom to your children possible. And try to never get involved with any decisions your husband makes about his kids. Just listen to him and be empathetic. 

 Because most likely if the daughter spend a lot of time with you guys or are gone all the time, the end result will be the same. The mom is going to make sure the kids pick her over him and blame it all on you.