HELP!!
I AM A 42 YR. OLD FEMALE WITH 3 GROWN CHILDREN. BD-22, BS-19 & BD 18. MY OLDEST HAS LIVED AWAY FROM HOME FOR 3 YEARS. MY FIANCEE, AGE 36, HAS 3 CHILDREN TO 2 DIFFERENT WOMEN. BS-12, BD-11 & BD-6.
WE ARE HAVING A REALLY TOUGH TIME BECAUSE OF HIS KIDS. THEIR BM'S DON'T TAKE CARE OF THEM. THEY ARE DOWN RIGHT NEGLECTING THEM. THEY'RE ALWAYS DIRTY & STINK. THE 2 OLDEST BS-12 & BD-11 STILL PEE THE BED TO ADD TO THE PROBLEM. THEY STAY AT OUR HOUSE EVERY OTHER WEEKEND & DURING THE SUMMER. I JUST GOT A NEW LIVING ROOM SECTIONAL-CREAM SUEDE. I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE A PROBLEM WITH HIS KIDS BEFORE I GOT IT. BECAUSE EVEN THO THEY WASH THEY STILL STINK LIKE PEE. HE LETS THEM PLAY OUTSIDE & COME STRAIGHT IN & SIT ON THE NEW FURNITURE. HIS KIDS HAVE BEEN TAUGHT NO HYGIENE OR HOME TRAINING AT ALL. THIS WEEKEND I FLIPPED WHEN HIS KIDS WERE THERE. AND BM SAID THE 2 OLDEST COULD NO LONGER COME TO OUR HOME. TWO DAYS LATER I CAME HOME FROM WORK & MY FIANCEE ADVISED ME HE WAS MOVING OUT BECAUSE HIS KIDS DIDN'T WANT TO COME SEE HIM ANYMORE IF HE LIVED WITH ME BECAUSE I'M SO MEAN TO THEM. I'M TRYING TO TEACH THEM SOME FORM OF PERSONAL HYGIENE & TO RESPECT THE THINGS IN MY HOME THAT I WORK HARD FOR. MY OLDEST BD-22 WON'T VISIT ME WHEN MY FIANCEE IS THERE & HASN'T SPENT A HOLIDAY WITH ME SINCE HE MOVED IN. I FEEL LIKE MY KIDS CAN'T CHOSE WHO I LOVE OR WHO I WANT TO BE WITH. HE NEEDS TO DO THE SAME. HE NEEDS TO TELL HIS KIDS THAT THEY CAN'T DICTATE WHO HE'S WITH, THAT THEY'RE KIDS & HE'S THE BOSS. I'M NOT SURE IF OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER OR NOT. I NEED SOME ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO NEXT. HE'S STAYING AT HIS BROTHER'S NOW & TOOK SOME OF HIS STUFF WITH HIM. I LOVE HIM & WANT TO MAKE IT WORK. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE?? PLEASE HELP!
- Stepmom1966's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
whoa!
I think you're right about the children having no right to dictate who their parent is with. The only exception being if there is some sort of abuse going on which is obviously not the case. And yes, you're right. They are the children and you and FH are the adults which means that they don't have to like you but they damn well better respect you!
To me, it sounds like your FH needs to grow a pair and stand up to his ex's and his children. If those women are that neglectful then he needs to see what he can do about getting custody of them. Unless those kids have a medical issue, there's no reason for them to be wetting the bed at that age. They MUST be taught basic hygeine and manners if they're going to function in society. But talk to your FH. From the sounds of it, you and he aren't on the same page and have radically different views on parenting. If you and he are still planning on getting married, you have to come to some sort of agreemen on how you plan to parent/discipline the children. You and he are the adults; not them. Work out all term and conditions before getting married so that there is no misunderstanding between you two.
Welcome to StepTalk by the way
UPDATE
Well my Fiancee is back. It only took 3 days before he was calling & texting me to come home. He admits that the children have no right to dictate if he's with me or not & that he reacted rather harshly. The Ex is a BIG Problem!! She is neglectful. But I think he's been dealing with her for so long that he just accepts things the way they are so he can see his kids when he wants. I don't think he wants the responsibility of full custody of them, though. Sometimes I sense that he dreads them coming because he can't do what he wants when he wants. He cancels his weekends with them quite frequently. My children are grown & I can come & go as I please & I think that irratates him when they are there because I still do what I want. I won't watch them because I refuse to be responsible for children that I have no control over. I think he would rather the ex be neglectful than to have the children tie him down full time. He hasn't stated this to me. I just sense it from his actions.
There is no medical problem with the children, at least the ex claims she's taken them to the Dr. & he said no issues. I think they're just lazy. I think both my Fiancee & the BM are so use to the kids peeing the bed that it's normal to them. I believe there was at one time an abuse issue with the Grandmother's boyfriend on BM's side. But I have no definite proof. I've just heard comments & bits & pieces.
We definitely have different views on raising children thats for sure. Thank you for responding. I appreciate any input you can give.
Welcome!!!!
and I agree with FIO!
H
Be glad that he is your fiancee and not your husband. It will make it easier to do what you need to do.
wow
It sounds like they have a mass of problems... and you don't need to be in the middle of them. I would expect that your BD has a good reason to stay away when fiance is there.
Maybe take this as a big sign, get out now while you can. If he isn't willing to teach his kids hygiene and manners, you shouldn't have to after you have already done it 3 times over.
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.
Could you not write in all caps, please?
Thanks!
It sounds like your fiance has made the decision for you. If he's not receptive to your criticisms (and I assume you delivered them tactfully -- I imagine no one wants to hear their kids smell like pee, even if they do), then I think he's exercising his prerogative to parent them his own way (badly). The differences in your views of raising children, coupled with the ex-wife problems, won't go away if he's not going to work with you. I agree with LifesABeach: maybe this is a sign that you should move on. You love him, but love is often not enough, especially when the situation is complicated by children from former relationships and ex-spouses in the picture.
Best,
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)