Stepson has ADHD and making us all crazy.

Ok, so here I go, this is my first time blogging. I have a 13yr old step son who has ADHD, depression, mood disorder, and a whole host of issues due to his biomom abusing him. He is driving the whole family crazy especially me, his is disrespectful of me and my 5yr old son from another marriage, lies, steels, hurts the family cat, and a complete pain in the butt when it comes to his father because we can never go out by ourselves without him intentionly pulling some crap to get our attention. My stepson has to be the center of everyones world, his is very rude to peers, hitting them, swearing, even threatened to kill them at school. He is currently in a day program for kids, on enough meds to take out an elephant and still is completely crazy as far as i'm concerned. I love his father my husband to death but can't take him any more. My husband is in a lot of deniel still about his son's condition and thinks I should just give him a break and trust him which I completely do no trust this child what so ever. We have currently taken a break from our relationship and his son couldn't be happier about it. I don't want a divorce but I am so totally fed up with this childs behavior that I just don't know what to do anymore. Even my stepson's therapist has said that he just goes through the motions at the day session and not putting in any real effort and until he does nothing really is going to change. I'm afraid for my son's saftey and mine. To be really frank about the matter I have come to resent this child and even hate him at times. His father put all his medical needs on me because he couldn't deal with it and now that he has to do it all by himself he is pissed at me and the worst part about it is that my husband won't see a counselor for his guilt and anger issues regarding his son having ADHD. I need some partical advise from anyone that has been in my situation or anything even close to it, I'm at my witts end.

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ADHD can be a hard pill to swallow

Maybe a hard pill to swallow is an understatement. Neither my son nor my SS have ADHD but my biological son's father does and I could only sustain the relationship for two years. I never experienced the mean tendencies, just the erratic decision making and jumping from one thing to another. In reading your post I was trying to see if I could take a sympathetic approach to your SS, but he is hurting animals and threatening to kill people and you even sy that you are afraid for your safety as well as your son's. Right there that tells me that you need to get out of that living situation and only return IF there are majoy signs of improvement with the SS. Let the BF be angry. He thought he could hand his son's problems over to you and that is not fair. It is his responsibility, if not at least a JOINT effort. I feel totally justified in my gut by telling you that you are doing the right thing by taking a break and that it may very well mean never going back. DO NOT jeopardize the safety and well being of you or your child.

More like a horse Pill

Jo, thank you for your comments they really touched my heart, I am prepared never to go back thats why I left. I do love my husband and when he is not around his son which he really resents sometime his is the most wonderful person on the planet. I can't jeopardize my son's saftely or mine and won't. I have pleaded with my husband to seek help for himself but to no avail and his son is only getting older and bigger and I know in my heart he will end up hurting someone and land up in jail and to be really selfish I don't want to have anything to do with that. In fact my husband has become so pissed that he won't tell me what the therapists are working on and what progress they have made which really pisses me off because he's keeping me in the dark and how can I ever return if I feel like a mushroom always in the dark and fed shit. I won't return to him until some major changes happen I just don't know how long I should wait it's been 2 months now since I left and I'm wondering do I hang in there for a while yet or just give up. Let me know your feelings and thanks again for being so honest I really appreciated reading your response.

Dig deeper

I assume you knew about these issues when you became a step parent? My thoughts are that if you give up now on this family and this kid, it is going to do greater damage to the kid in the end. Sounds to me like lots of people have already given up on him - his BM, his own therapist (and what the heck is up with that?!?! Get him a new one that can work with him), his dad is in denial, etc. Sure, he's not your bio-son, but when you marry someone and you know about the issues with the child, you agree to take them on, no excuses. It sounds like you are frustrated, but maybe haven't done everything you can yet. I would guess that some kind of family therapy is probably in order and you definietely get that kid a better therapist. Your husband needs a bit of a wake up call as well. I would say that your bigger issue lies in your marriage and not with the child. If he is unwilling to take responsibility and commit to doing everything he can to help out his own child, the problem starts there - not with a 13 year old who sounds troubled. The 13 year old is not a rational adult and he cannot simply stop his behavior without lots and lots of unconditional help from everyone around him. So I say dig in deeper, and if you're not willing to do that, ask yourself why you got married in the first place. If you only loved the man, but never really questioned the kind of commitment you made to the son, it's probably not the right situation for you.

This sounds harsh I know, but I am convinced that giving up on troubled kids is not the best path. It takes amazing strength and stamina to do the right thing by sticking with them and doing everything in your power to help them, but in the end, it is the best thing for them. If you bail out now, you're only adding to his problems. Despite the fact that he seems happier when you're gone, inside - he knows he won the battle and that he's right - no one actually cares about him.

While I do agree with most

While I do agree with most of what you are saying, I think you are being a little harsh to say "she knew what she was getting into". I am in a similar situation and had no idea what train was headed for me, nor did any other adult in the situation. It's easy to sit back and put the burden on her when you aren't in the situation. Obviously you have never had a troubled-enough child or you are a saint.

Stepmom to ADHD

Just to comment on this comment. It's very hard to know from the original parent that their child has ADHD unless they are upfront about it. So if you married without knowing your stepson has ADHD then it's a challenge that you may not be prepared for. And when you marry someone I do agree, you stick it out "when both parties" want it to work. Not just one person. It's not easy raising someone else's child with ADHD. And it's even harder to raise your own child around a ADHD child. Time Out is what this stepmom needs. Time to think, time to see if she can or can not help in this situation, plus time to think of her own happiness in life.

Stepmom a mental vacation is in order. Time to think about "you" & your happiness. Once you have taken care of number 1 then you can think about ways to help the #2's, if you choose to.

Best wishes!!

Dug really Deep

I have dug really deep with this child and I love him to death, but he scares the hell out of me and my son even his dad is sometimes afraid of what he will do. I have put so much time and effort into him that it has affected my relationship with my own son. My SS constant lying and stealing has really brought up trust issues between us. He is also very manipulating just like BM who has been court ordered to stay away from him. His father is a loving man but resents his own son for having ADHD. How deep do you have to dig before you reach china and find out that there might not be any hope left for this child, his therapist hasn't given up but if my SS won't work for himself then they just keep trying . Like the old saying goes you can drag the horse to water but you can't make them drink. That is where my SS is we took him to the water but he refuses to drink we even have to watch him take his meds because if we don't he will spit them out and refuse to take them. The therapist says it's because he refuses to live in a world that not chaos he can't handle being in a normal thinking mode so what else do we do.

moment of truth

So I think if you can honestly tell yourself that you just have nothing left to give and you've done everything within your abilities to make it work, then maybe it's time to let it end.

Just from reading the posts, I do believe that the true issue is with your husband and not his child. At the beginning of my current relationship my BF did not have a legal custody agreement with his BM. I asked him once, twice, three times about it before it blew up into a fight. I told him that I see the way he manages his son's affairs as a reflection of how he would manage ours/mine. I told him that I could not be in a relationship with someone who procrastinates and lives in denial about certain issues because what if one day, he has to deal with the same thing for me. I said that I was afraid that if one day he had to deal with a very important legal matter on my behalf (not to be morbid, but what if I was in an accident and he had power of attorney or had to otherwise make important medical/legal decisions for me) - would he treat that situation the same as he's treating his sons current legal situation. I really do believe that the way a man deals with his children reflects strongly on the way he deals with his other relationships. At the end of our fight, I told my BF that I wouldn't be with someone who didn't take care of important issues head-on and without procrastination. In our case, this had a big effect - he saw a lawyer that week and the custody paperwork is being finalized this month.

I think if you leave this relationship, you should be straight in your own mind about the reasons for it's demise. The kid presents his own challenges, but it sounds like the father contributes to them on some passive level, which only escalates the problems with his son.

Therein lies the statement

You HUSBAND needs to step up and BE a FATHER and slap this kid into normalcy. Spare the rod and spoil the child I say. My boys respect me but they well and good KNOW their limits. I was the first to take a hand to them and they know when they are testing the line. In all honesty I was a hellion growing up and my dad tried EVERYTHING, however, he never pushed it far enough to crush me, which now I wish he had done. He always backed off and never crossed the line. I remember threatening to run away one time and used it as a lever to manipulate my folks for a short time. I wish my father now had taken me up on it and packed my bags, I would have quickly woken up. My GF's oldest currently owes me 530 push-ups because I told him he would drop and give me 100 for every zero he accrued during the school year. I am strict, I am unwavering, but I am currently in the business of making MEN, not overage children.

Kevin The Man

I know this post is a bit

I know this post is a bit old, but I am going thru something similar. My stepson who is 9 and is also diagnosed with ADHD is out of hand and shows no respect to any one. I agree with what Kevin comments here is that the person that needs help and changing is the dad. He is supposed to back you up and create a game plan to attack this issue. My girlfriend does not discipline her son and allows him to do what ever he pretty much wants to do. There is no consistancy displining him and when I say no she eventually says yes, so there is no balance in his life. Yes its true it si easier for me to say no because he may not be my biological son, but it is a no with reason. Not to be mean spiteful or cruel. There is commen sense to my displine and she sees it other wise. According to her she says that I am like that with him because I dont like him, but I know she only says that because she does not want to take full responsibilities for his actions. It is the parents that need to be educated and accept their kids conditions. WORK AS A TEAM!!!!!

stepson with adhd

I have a stepson with adhd who is also abusing drugs. There's a possibility he will live with us soon and I'm not sure about that. He's up all night, does annoying things to get attention (and believe me he's not lacking any). He breaks things in our house with his outbursts and his dad wants full custody of him because biomom will not work with us. I don't know what to do.

Know how you feel

My husband did the same thing and got custody of my SS, the only thing I can say is make sure you get him on the proper meds and into a day program as soon as possible, don't get to the point where I am now, scared of my SS and left the house. I some times feel like a falure because of my SS action he got his way and drove me out of the house, but then again I feel free of the constant preasure he put on both his BF and me. Talk to your husband about having boundries and a program with meds to have it all set in place and ready to go when you do get custody because it takes time there are waiting lists (we found out the hard way) to get into programs or even see doctors and therapist. Don't let you SS come into your home with out a game plan and rules in place or he will end up doing to you what he has done to us (rule the home as if he owns it not the parents). I can only hope that your husband is more open to this then mine is, my husband has a great deal of denial and guilt which hinders him from taking medically necessary action in a timely manner and because of this were separated. Stick to your guns, seek therapy for the both of you so it helps to make the transition smoother i only wish we had I think we would not be where we are today if we had gotten on the same page about my SS condition prior to bringing him home. Good luck, and remember it can get worse before it gets better so don't give up to quickly.

My two cents worth

Your situation sounds familiar to me. I was involved with a lady who had twin 10 year old boys. One is a holy terror (I think he has Oppositional Defiance Disorder). Three or four hour temper tantrums. Yelling, screaming -- cursing and trying to break things. Anything would set him off, one was simply a disagreement with his brother over whether an episode of Supernatural was the season finale.

I put up with four years of dating the lady and three years of living together. The kids (especially SS#2) would constantly scream at me to "get out" and "that I ruined thier lives" and SS#2 would say that he still wasn't over his parents divorce (in 1999) when he was two years old. His father is (sort of involved) but only when he doesn't have anything better to do. SS #2 still carries around a blanket and sucks his thumb.

In May, he throws a big temper tantrum and because I think he is out of line, my ex gf throws me and my 11 year old daughter out of the house. She apologized to me, but I went ahead and moved out. WE had planned a "family vacation" to Disneyworld. SS #2 throws two hour tantrum the night before we leave (when I and my daughter come over to purchase tickets to Universal Studios/DisneyWorld).

The trip was bad -- for the first 3 1/2 days he and his brother would continously scream, cry rant and rave. One 30 minute pouting period (SS#1) was because the boogie board rental place would not rent one to him because they were closing in 30 minutes.

We get back, continue to try and dating but SS #2 continues to throw fits everytime we try to get together. We have again broken up because of his temper tantrums and the way my ex gf handled things.

In short, things won't change until the child wants to change and the father takes positive actions to change it. The actions of children influence everyone in the house (and even neighbors, friends and strangers).

There is no easy answers in life, the choices we make are influenced by the situation and actions by others. He may be a child, but his actions effect you, DH and others.

I couldn't handle it after 4 years -- part of my decision to leave was based upon the BM not getting help for him or even acknowledging the problem.

Familiar is right

My husband and I would have and do have the same issue with my SS, his trantrums are terrible and he has his own agenda too. My SS is always in need of being the center of attention so when we do plan vacations or even a weekend where me and his father go way for as little as one night my SS would do something totally terrible verbally and physically to get into trouble so we either wouldn't go, any one who was going to watching then refused because of his behavior, or the vacation was all about him being in trouble. Even if we did go on vacation we would try not to talk about the incident and limit his time in activities because of his punishment. Our SS then would start and keep it up through out the vacation how sorry he was, that he will never do it again, please let him play or do what ever. My SS does have Oppositional Defiance Disorder and he loves to guilt trip his dad to a point that he gives in and my SS is great at it then you can see the happiness of winning in his face and the "FU" attitude. His therapist say he has almost no remorse which really scares the crap out of us and he pretends that he does but you can see right through the game he is playing and he doesn't care. He doesn't yell at me because he knows that his father will step in what he does it tell lies to his father to try and start a fight between us then watches or easedrops on the conversation then comes running in with the excuses of (I don't know what wrong with me help me to get better so I don't cause fights between you don't punish me for lying I"m only a kid with problems). My SS uses his disability as a crutch and defense thinking it won't get him in trouble when he does something wrong. My SS is very manipulative and at 12 he going to be in jail very soon if something doesn't change, and it might sound completely selffish but if he did go to jail then his father would be pushed to get him the right help. My SS is in a day program and on meds but his father won't increase the meds when they program tells him to or extend the 1/2 day program to a full day or even or night program because his son guilt trips him so much. I think you did the right thing by ending the relationship it sounds like your ex GF is in more denial then my husband and until she gets help for his children and herself you can't expose yourself or daughter to those childrens abuse. It might sound harsh but it is abuse I would seek therapy for both of you to make sure it didn't affect your daughter and you. I will pray for you and your daughter that the abuse did no harm to either of you and remember you did everything you could your not those childrens BD and I commend you for your courage. Thank you for writing your story it really helped me.

Therapy?? Meds??

See above post!!

Son with ADHD

My son is the one with ADHD. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. It takes a very strong person to handle these children and more patience than an average human being has. There is no miracle cure and every child responds differently to meds.

Unfortunately you have to make a choice. Ask your self "Is it worth it?" My ex husband answered "no" and moved on. Sometimes love does not conquer all. If you decide it is not worth it, this does not make you selfish. It makes you realistic. You know what they say "If mom isn't happy, no one is." If you are miserable, so is everyone else and how productive is that for your relationship.

If it is worth it, then keep trying. Find an organization to help parents of kids with ADHD. Keep talking to people on here. Read up on the disorder. Tell the boy you are here for the long haul and he better get used to it. Talk to your hubby about strategies for dealing with him. I have heard certain foods help and hinder ADHD, find out what those are and change your menu.

No matter your decision the best of luck to you. I don't mean to sound callous, but, you are going to need it.

I really enjoyed your

I really enjoyed your comments. Well put.

Your Strength is Incredible

Beautiful Disaster, thanks for your words of encouragement and your story. I'm trying very hard to figure out if I should stay or go and the word realistic is perfect. Some have said I'm being selfish by separating but they don't live in my home with a child with ADHD if they did I think they would have a whole new attitude. Others have told me to run and never look back because this child even scares them and they have told me and my husband that my SS is not allowed in there homes or around there children for fear of his behavior and violent tendancies. I pray that God steps in and does something to help my husband and SS I love them both and really don't want a divoce but I feel as if I"m at an impass. Love doesn't conquer all and I'm thinking about the old saying ( If you love someone let them go and if they come back your blessed if not then thats the way it was ment to be). I had to let myself go from the relationship, and I"m a happy mother again to my son and everyone around me. I have only one question and you don't have to answer it because it's really personal, but did you hate your husband for leaving. My husband is so pissed right now for me leaving that when we get in an arguement he says really crappy things to me about leaving, or should I say abandoning him and his son. Do you think he is saying this our of anger or really means it. If you could shed light on this from your perspective I would really appreciate it. Thanks.

strength

Hey just to say. Your husband probably misses you and is angry at you because he feels abandoned. And you left him because you were abandonded from parental "teamwork" needed. I just have to say, you deserve a pat on the back. You are awesome for doing ALL that you have. Plus you are being a smart parent by protecting your own child. How does your child feel since you seperated from your husband?

You Need To Save Your Own Child

I think the only way to save the marriage is to have him live with the mother. This is certainly having serious effects upon your own child, and if thats not an option then my child would come first.

SS is playing the GUILT GAME

Ok I made a mistake and posted my last comments in a new blog so here is the latest:

WOW

my brother has that along autism, and the cause of that is the same of your ss, my mom also abused my brother and I, but he got it worse than me, my step mom was a life saver to my brother, but it takes alot alot alot of patience!! Its hard to over come but from what i read my brother was the exact same way, and he just graduated last week! So it seems impossible but it can be done! If you have any questions or anything like that... i might be able to help PM me

stepson

My stepson is almost 16 and in 8th grade , he is very abusive physically, mentally, and verbally.
He hits his father ,threatens me, curses at us, takes pictures with guns, destroys our property, started a fire , shot a gun in our house through the tv, mean at times to dog, took knife to school at age 9, doesnot do homework or keep his room clean has been this ways since toddler know family member wants him around accept his father because he says he is just being a boy, I know he is adhd but I have a daughter who is too and she never acts like that in all her life and now she is a mother of 2. scared and don't know what to do. made a shank and his father still sees nothing wrong. at age 9 he told his father when he pulled a knife of his father he would kill him. his mother od on crack but he was like this way before then and her mother tries to excuse his behavior because of that. Helpful advice please I love my husband he provides me with what I want but not safety in my home

OK, OK

I know what the doctors say and ADHD is a real thing. Or is it?? Quite honestly as a child I would have been diagnosed with ADHD but instead of meds, my dad had a belt. YOU are the parents, YOU have had these children or have chosen to be in a relationship with them. I am NOT bashing you but it is YOUR choice to either step up and play the Drill Sergeant or to fear these kids. I love this video because it is SOOOOO true.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/959427/adhd_cure_southpark/

I made an agreement with my current girlfriend when we met that if I was going to play the role of a father, then I was going to be one and that this shit would just not fly under my roof. I was in the business of making MEN. I may sound tough as nails but I envision a future when I can see these two boys of ours go on to great things, respectful of women, honest law abiding citizens, and worth their salt be it digging ditches, carrying an M-16, or spinning while on their phone making business deals that benefit everyone involved. High aspirations?? Maybe, maybe not.

On the same page

I feel your pain. I married into dealing with the (for lack of better words) issues of a disrespectful, obnoxious, and immature stepson. Yes, I knew what I was getting into before. He threatened to kill me and his mother. I realized that he may have been serious when one early morning I awoke to see him hovering above me. I immediately contacted his therapist and she advised that we should have taken him to the psych ward. Had my wife not begged me not to, I would've done so at the time. He physically abused her prior to my intervention. He tried that with me a few times and I was forced to restrain him for hours on end. He threatened to call a social service organization (which did become involved due to his slanderous remarks at school). Here we are a year later and I'm only here because I love my wife and our daughter, not him. I hate him with a passion. I never new such resentment. A year later, several meds, therapists, counseling, other possible solutions later and little has changed. He is still a disrespectful lying sack of shit. Part of the problem is that his mother never took the time to give him any attention when he was growing up and now he demands it constantly, even if it is negative. I fear for the safety of my daughter the most. He is currently not allowed to touch her at all. I've laid down the rules, but unless I am right there in the room, he disregards them. His father wants nothing to do with him... no one does. His actions have pushed us to the verge of divorce. There is little doubt in my mind that the chemical imbalances in his brain and the social conditions in which he was raised will lead him to a life of crime. He displays sociopathic tendencies and has character traits possessed by most serial killers. Do I hate him- hell yeah. Do I want the best for him- you bet you. I think the only option truly left is institutionalization. His freedom will come at what cost to the rest of society?

I think there is alot more

I think there is alot more than adhd going on with this kiddo. While adhd kids can be obnoxious, forgetful, irresponsible, etc-their symptomology does not include death threats and harming animals. Your man needs to wake up and smell the coffee and realize that he has a serious problem on his hands. I think you did the right thing by leaving-you have to think of your kiddo and yourself first.
My ss, 12, is also adhd, odd, and whatever letters you can string together. He threatened to kill my son a few years ago. He had a very detailed plan and told me that he didn't feel he could stop himself because the "voices in his head" were telling him to do it. Long story short-ss ended up moving out of our home not too long after that and has never moved back in. That was 3 years ago. He didnt visit for awhile as my dh was in iraq and for the last two years we've had eow. I can't stand the kid.
Someone else talked about how your problem is really your husband. NO-you have two problems-one is the relationship with the husband and how he parents but two, you do have a problem with this kid. How could you not with the behaviors presented?
There are alot of people that are reluctant to put blame on a child of any age-ut that is just one more example of these kids not having any responsbility. I think that is at least 50% of what got my ss to the place that he is at (loserville). Nothins is his fault. Not his grades, not his behavior, his bedwetting, not his relationships with others-it's always someone else's fault-dh and bm fed into this for years-they have certainly started to wise up but truthfully it seems too late. He is not as bad as before (no recent death threats) but he is still just a jerk of a kid.
His therapist also told us that it is just "willful" behavior. Not part of some disorder that he couldnt control, but just out and out bad behavior because it suited him. What your dh needs to do is make sure the bad behavior doesnt suit him any longer-make sure he is getting no payoff and no needs met from the bad behavior. I think that is what will help your skid. ss's parental units no longer feed into his manipulation (at least not often) and that is why some of the behavior has improved. And lets face it a "jerk" is alot better to deal with than a potential murderer.

Wow. Thank you Stepmomblue. I

Wow. Thank you Stepmomblue. I find myself in a nearly identical situation. I am trying to figure out whether to stay or go. I have a stepson who has many issues ADHD being only one and I feel I would harm him if I left (BM is absent and served time for child abuse related issues), but my own bio son and the new baby are the ones really suffering here. I am so scared that this is going to be my life forever. I cannot imagine another year of this much less another 10. I love my spouse with all my heart. I have never had a connection with anyone like him. We have such a different relationship when my SS is not around. He has drawn pictures of killing me. He has wished his Dad dead. He kicks my dogs and in turn they deficate in his bedroom because they are not fans of the way they are treated by him. I am just at a loss. He recently started taking meds which have been upped twice already and the only change I have seen is an increase in his obsessing on violence. I am speaking with his therapist today hoping she can give me guidance. But I really just wanted to say thank you. I needed to know that someone else has gone through is going through this and that there is an outlet for this type of thing.

You literally just described my life

no matter how much research I do it all boils down to the same key words and the same information

adhd

does not go away just changes

can carry into adulthood making it difficult to be independent

is very overwhelming to deal with

destroys relationships

AS A PARENT

consistency is key

patience is a virtue

continuous positive reinforcement is necessary

constant reminding

simplifying tasks

all this is fine and dandy and sounds like normal parenting stuff right? The problem is not these required parenting skills because they are a given. The problem is the skills need to be embedded 24/7. With a child that thinks normally this gives great results and is very effective obviously. The child with adhd will almost never learn from past behaviours. You can tell them a hundred times every day and on day seven if one small thing changes you literally start all over again. How draining and discouraging this can be is absolutely unreal. I am so sorry for anyone who’s child has adhd I feel so unbelievably terrible. I just don’t have the skill set to handle it. For whatever reason is so destructive on my mental health and I have some very difficult decisions to make in the near future. Good luck it looks like we both need it.

You are here

Stepson has ADHD and making us all crazy.

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