I know it stings a little. No, it stings a lot to feel rejected when you have done everything right. Maybe you could try to enjoy the child's happiness that she is seeing her bio-mom and try not to make it a competition. As time goes on, it may get better, or it may get worse, but you will be there for her always. That is a gift many children don't get from anyone. I'm proud of you for giving her that safe haven.

Given what you say your SD probably loves you and she's certainly very lucky to have had a stepmum provide so much love and security. But the reality is that she is probably never going to be able to love you the way she loves her bio parents. It doesn't matter how crappy they are, or how great you are, children reserve their unconditional love for their parents and that's how it is. They don't have to qualify for their child's love, and you can't pass a parenting test and be 'better' than her mum in SD's eyes. The position of Mum holds a special place in a child's heart and they're just not able to put someone else in that particular space, no matter how close they may become to another parenting figure. Often the less they see their mother and the more erratic her behaviour the more the child yearns for their mother's time and attention. Unfortunately it's like the prodigal mother. Your efforts, because they are consistent and secure, are really important to SD in ways she doesn't even understand, but they don't stand out to her the way her mother's occasional efforts do.

I know exactly how you feel on this issue, because I silently competed with BM for a long time, and felt that because I was a 'better' parent I could make my stepchildren love me like a mother. It's a common delusion for stepparents who think the quality of the relationship with their stepchildren is just a question of effort and determination and big heartedness on their part. It's also a big reason why so many stepmothers end up hurt and bitter when their efforts inevitably fail. We don't have control over our stepchildren's feelings. The deciding factor in my relationship with my stepchildren was not how much I was able to care for them, but how much they were able to care for me.

The other factor you have here is that SD is so young. Young children often have a lot of affection to give, that natural affection can fool a stepparent into thinking that they hold a more special place in their stepchild's heart than they actually do. When the child grows up a little and become more self contained and independent stepmums end up crushed by the realisation that they were not quite as loved as they thought. By the time these children reach puberty and are on the hormone rollercoaster they are often looking for any excuse to disregard authority and at that point the delicate relationship with a stepparent can fail altogether. I had a great relationship with my SS from the age of 5, yet despite all the years of care and attention when he got to 14 he rebelled and completely rejected my relationship with him.

So it sounds like you really love the little girl and desperately want her to love you just as much, but I'm afraid that like many stepmums before you, you have set yourself up for a big fall. And your back seat DH who has let you take so much responsibility for his child has played the biggest role in setting you up for that fall. You are certainly not a terrible person, you have given a huge amount of time and effort to nurture SD, but you are instinctively recognising that you need to step back and stop putting so much of yourself on the line. The best thing you can do is reset your expectations. You could continue to have a great relationship with SD, if you stop trying to be her mother, and focus on being the best stepmother instead. DH also needs to start stepping up and doing more active parenting. Because if he continues to leave everything to you the resentment rollercoaster is going to be a very scary ride indeed.

I am also custodial sm. bm is almost completely absent, makes token appearances on holidays. Ss is 8. I struggle with the same feelings that you do. I've decided that its a psychological protection mechanism. My subconscious attempting to protect me from psychological and emotional pain. It fades some with time. If you make an effort to be introspective and analytical about your emotional reactions you can teach yourself coping strategies. I could not even bring my self to call bm 'your mom' until very recently. It was too painful and botter to acknowledge that despite me raising ss 24/7 365, this woman - who has said terrible things about me, abandoned ss and said terrible things to him, who has make inappropriate sexual comments tou husband... read: a lot of grown up baggage attatched to my feelings about her-was something I was not. I've never spoken ill of her to ss, been careful to be positive and supportive of his visits with her, but the emotional pain was and can still sometimes be, almost unbearable. Sometimes when ss is going to visit her (even though its only a few hours at a time) I have to leave the house, can't be there when dh takes him to meet bm. I tell him have a good time, be good an go so something distracting.