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How to stop being critical to DH

Toastergirl's picture

How do I stop? I can't say where it truly began. I don't want to be this wife- the nagging, critical woman. I know it was present for DDs first birthday, when my mother point blank told me, "you could be nicer to your husband". I was taken aback, until I realized a moment later she was right.
I do not like the way I treat my husband. It's like word vomit. Once I start I can't stop. It's not in a mean way. I don't curse or name call. I don't roll my eyes. But it escalates to an all day affair.
I asked DH today. I asked him how I could improve our marriage. He said I bother him constantly with things he can't change (hex and SD situation) and things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. And that I just pick and pick and won't stop. He loves me and I'm a good wife but he would appreciate it if I were less critical.

I don't like that. I don't want to be that wife. I need to make a conscious effort and change. I see it as motivation by reminding him what he needs to do. He sees it as overbearing (I get it). Has anyone gone through this? How did you start changing?

Comments

Shaman29's picture

I would start with personal counseling. It sounds like so much is out of your control and you're feeling as though it all needs to be fixed. It may help to have a impartial outlet help you find what is triggering all these negative feelings.

This isn't something you can do on your own and it isn't just a switch you can turn off.

In the meantime, you and your H could come up with a non-confrontational "code word" to signal when it's happening. Like shoebox or trailmix or something like that. You can then open up a discussion about the subject matter and decide together if it's something to concentrate on or to discard.

Toastergirl's picture

Thank you! I plan on going back to counseling after Christmas. I agree, if there was a way he could tell me when I'm becoming overbearing and we could discuss it calmly at a later time.

oneoffour's picture

I stopped talking. I listened 2x as much as I talked. I realised there are some things I could not change and in the Grand Scheme it really didn't matter. If he didn't take my advice I worked at accepting that he was entitled to have an opposing view.

What I didn't budge on was any time our finances and plans were threatened. I was not keeping meals hot for hours at Thanksgiving until his sons decided to appear. If the boys failed to turn up (give or take 30 mins) as planned we still went out and went on with our lives. BM has no control in our house. Ever. She tried a few times in the beginning but DH shut her down.

Toastergirl's picture

You are absolutely right. I just need to work on talking less and listening more. I can only control myself, my emotions and my words. I just need to keep repeating that to myself.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Try this book by John Gottman: "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert" He is a relationship therapist and researcher. He bases his theories on scientific research with real couples.

One of the main tenants of his theory is that intimate relationships that succeed have a balance between positive and negative feelings and actions between partners. He says the magic ratio is 5 to 1. For every negative comment or interaction there needs to be 5 positive ones. The relationship needs to be weighted towards the positive - there needs to be more positive than negative.

A place for you to start would be to add some positive. Compliment your DH or tell him he did something right. If you can't control the negative right now, focus on adding the positive, instead of stopping the negative. If he starts receiving some positive, he may start giving you some positive back and that may make it easier for you to cut back on the negative.

I think you will also find individual counseling very helpful. You will be able to more easily understand where all of your negative feeling come from and learn how to control them.

Monchichi's picture

I started by paying attention to my DH. I looked for one thing minimum, every single day that I could praise/ compliment or note how well he did. From there, I stopped seeing the negative all the time and started to see much more positives. I remind myself daily why it is I love this man so very much.

I then spend each day taking time to validate him and his contributions to me and our home/ family.

Cadence's picture

First, congratulations. Second, I'm sorry. It's hard and humbling to get to the point where you are. It's way easier to keep identifying your husband as the problem and keep labeling his wants and needs as invalid and unimportant.

It all stems for you and your anxieties. You worry, and you want to be in control, therefore you nag. You don't trust that things will be okay if you aren't on top of everything.

I've recommended this book before here: "The Surrendered Wife", Laura Doyle. (That one is focused on you. If you want one to read with your DH, then get her latest "First, Kill all the Marriage Counselors".)

Do not be put off by the title. Surrendering means that you still retain your agency and choices, but that you are no longer emasculating your husband and diminishing how he feels about himself as a man. Men are different from women; they need a soft feminine partner who builds him up instead of incrementally tearing him down. By nagging him, you imply he isn't capable. The more you do that, the more he believes he isn't capable and the more he resents you and the less he feels like trying to take care of you and protect you. It's a way to slowly destroy love.

If you want to be able to sit back and relax, and have a husband that adores you and wants to protect you, this is the way to go. It works. And life is much more pleasant when your anxieties aren't driving your behavior. Long enough of a behavior change, and your anxieties have nothing to work with any longer, because you've proven to them that they've got nothing to convince you any longer.

hereiam's picture

An article that was posted on this site really spoke to me.

http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-20...?

"And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships."

^^^This really made me stop and think.

It has really helped me and I do notice a difference. But I will admit, it takes constant monitoring of myself and I take steps forward and then steps backward. I printed out the article and keep it where I can see it.

Also, I just back from my hometown and seeing a lot of my aunts, who are all soooo nice (and NOT critical of my uncles), and they are just so happy. I want to be like that.