Parental involvement question
For those that had to put kids or step kids through college or university.... Did you work out the details about getting invoices for tuition and dorm/housing through the kids themselves or through the other parent? In a divorced scenario this seems a bit trickier, particularly in high conflict divorce scenarios. (when one parent is difficult /prone to conflict)
I've always has this notion in my head of dealing with my kids directly. I sat beside my daughter while she applied to student loans. She is involved in the process and budgeting and has saved money. She will have access to university online portal with invoices
Dealing with my ex husband has always been problematic. Yesterday, my daughter was asking how much Resps I am contributing... She was in the car with her dad. On the way to the bank...... This feels off to me a bit.. Like he is indirectly asking her how much savings I have but it's not his business.. I'm also just paying my "portion" at the end
However I have memories of dealing my my ex through the years as he's tried to manipulate things and go against our agreement and control things, and control me.
Which is why I want to just look at numbers only... And pay the school directly like my agreement says.
Is this logical? I feel like it would be easier for parents who had never split to just handle things as the parents but also I don't think it's a bad idea to get the kids involved in their finances as they are preparing for the next step in their life toward independence?
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DH's CO required him to
DH's CO required him to continue to provide health insurance for the skids until the youngest hit 21 (she is 5 years younger than her brother). There was no agreement about college, so he chose what he could contribute and paid it directly to the skids.
Yea, I'd pay it directly to the school. . . like your agreement says.
Once they are ostensibly Kidults, no more interface with the
the other parent. Deal with the kid's directly. On top of that, do not pay the kidult directly. Pay the school directly.
That way if the kid lays an egg in school, they do not get discretionary control over any money other than what they earn through a job. If the school kicks them out, there is no money for the kid to leverage some exit strategy with.
If the other parent is paying, that is on them. Paying at the end should be direct to the kidult upon proof of graduation. Transferring that money to the other parent is then between that parent and the kidult.
One of my most critical learning experiences was somewhat related to this scenario. At the end of my sophomore year I had to get 2,000 miles across the country on $200. That included checking out of school and the dorm, loading my car to the brim with all of my crap, then driving nearly on fumes the whole way. I pulled into my GP's driveway on fumes having not eaten real food in nearly a day and half. Trail mix and a few Diet Cokes only goes so far.
That, scared the ever loving shit out of me let me tell ya. My parents were clear, I F'd up, I could figure it out. Eating ketchup, mustard, and mayo packets from gas station hot dog counters and drinking bathroom tap water on my epic Beverly Hillbillies car ride across the country made a major impression on me.
Participate and help, but do it with a goal in mind in ways that are least impactful on you. If the kids are keeping their head in the game, great. If not, time for the learning moments and experiences.
To this day, 40 years later, I get a chuckle out of ketchup, mustard, and mayo packets, followed by a shiver.
Ok, good to hear. I was
Ok, good to hear. I was starting to wonder if I was doing wrong by not messaging with my kids father. Because I'm almost certain it can be managed by communicating just with my kids and they are responsible.
I just know it would be a battle with my ex and I want to avoid that. Plus my ultimate goal is for the kids to gain more independence and be able to figure out things on their own. Rather than my ex and I figuring it all out on their behalf (I had reasons for this...
That's a pretty wild experience you had and sounds like it made enough of an impact that you learned from it, lol. I think it shapes us if we are allowed to grow on our own and make and learn from things. Although the ketchup packets... Rough!
Oh yes, I learned.
I graduated with my BS, 9years later. And never again had to live off of condiment packets.
Hey, I never said I was a quick learner.
I spent up all my university
I spent up all my university food budget and had to live off salsa and chips and $1 frozen Michelinas quite often. You could also get $1 pot pies. I didn't really care though, hahh
Ramen at 10 for a $ was a staple during my food budget crisis
days.
My ex husband has contributed
My ex husband has contributed nothing, as we had an agreement of no CS and split "agreed upon" costs 50/50 and the Scrooge of a b@stard just agrees on nothing. But my dad has stepped in to help. My kids figure out the cost and they tell either me or my dad and send the info. In my case, i Venmo the money to the kids directly. My dad actually gave them each a credit card to use, but they send him screenshots of the invoice for whatever the expense is and ask him before using it.
That is logical. That's what
That is logical. They sound responsible. That's what I was wondering. Of course these kids should be old enough and responsible enough to be able to send copies of invoices to the parents and that sort of thing. My husbands daughter seems lost but I'm sure they can figure out. For the first time to take control of at least part of their own life. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask they figure this stuff out.
Came back to add, i trust my
Came back to add, i trust my kids and they have to send proof of their progress as they go. I had the talk with each of them that the support they get is contingent upon them holding up their ends. They get one chance to get an education debt-free. They both go to state schools and not the "flagship" top state school. They both have scholarships that cover tuition but still have to pay fees (which are about as much as tuition) and housing has to be paid. And my youngest got a Pell Grant due to a bad year i had a few years back. The housing is the most expensive part and it's basic. I've been explaining how bad it sucks to have student loan debt for years now. They know i was in my 40s before mine was paid and it was like a millstone around my neck for years.
Learning process
I think there's more learning to be done at college than the academics. I didn't have an ex to deal with since he'd always been a deadbeat.
DD originally started out at the local CC in the accounting field but wanted to transfer since "I don't like all those little numbers". I was prepared to pay tuition and living expenses at a state school. (My step-dad lent me the $). But after touring many schools, she chose a private, out-of-state school in a large city.
Although she received scholarship help, it was still too expensive but she really wanted to go there. We made a deal: I'd pay the tuition (directly) and she'd get a student loan for living expenses. I don't recall doing anything for the student loan, she did it all.
Originally, she lived in a women's residence for a year but wanted to move to an apartment with her gf afterwards. I did help her find a reasonable apartment (the achievement of my life, finding a reasonable Chicago apartment in one weekend). We also helped move her. But, other than that, it was all on her.
I know she had lean times. She was riding a city bus to school in sub-zero weather. She had to schlep her groceries on a bus and up and elevator. She bounced a check and had to deal with the legalities.
When she came home, she looked a little threadbare. I took her coat to the cleaners and fed her. But she seemed satisfied, had met a handsome, young sailor (later her DH) and graduated. She had various jobs there.
I really think she learned more from her life experiences than she did at school. I still don't know how much her student loans were for or how her repayment process went.
I agree it's so much more of
I agree it's so much more of a learning experience then just the schooling. I like the way you handled that. I was lucky in that my parents helped with my college. I always had to work and save and get good grades. I remember my brother coming home and raiding the cupboard at my parents house every so often.
Back then the computers were much larger, desktop ones. We would throw our desktop computer and huge printer into a laundry basket in the trunk of the car to bring home on weekends. It was a lot of fun times. Learned a lot.
I see this all as a learning opportunity for the kids. They come to me sometimes and ask how to do things and I simply tell them what they have to do and start them on their way to figuring it all out.
My daughter kind of acts the opposite of my step daughter. My daughter is almost too much on the ball. I have to tell her to keep me in the loop and let me know once in a while what she is doing and signing up for.
My youngest went from the
My youngest went from the dorm last year to the harebrained idea to rent a house with 3 other kids. It is cheaper than the dorm but i warned him, he will PAY in headaches and drama. He realized the yard has to be kept up. First he tried a non-power mower but they have half an acre. Then he tried hiring neighbor kids to do it, but one kid picked up the payment and didn't share it with the others, leading to angry kids banging on the door at all hours. My kid has electric in his name, and must collect from the others each month. The kid who is supposed to sign up for garbage hasn't done it, leading my kid to have to drive trash bags to some dumpster a mile away. He is planning a "house meeting." I really hope he just decides to go back to the dorm next year when the lease is up.
Definitely a learning process
Your son is receiving a PhD level of reality.
All involved are 19. I have a
All involved are 19. I have a feeling this is just the beginning. ETA my kid was warned and now feels the need to prove to me that they have it all under control. I'll report back.
I'm all in on the dorm Vs apartment model.
Unless it is a private student residence property where it is like a dorm. You pay for the semester prior to moving in, move in, live. Everything is covered by your semester fee.
UT has a number of these as does Texas A&M. Very nice, apartments usually for 4 residents, no utilities, etc..... Two bedrooms on one side, a kitchen, dining, living room in the middle, two more bedrooms on the other side. Actual dorms are much cheaper.
I was in a dorm my first and second year of college. I was also in dorms/barracks for 4 years of HS. All of these but one were dual occupancy, a bet, a closet and a desk for each roommate. Nothing fancy. Though our universty dorm did have a sink in the room. My last year of Military school I had a staff apartment to myself. Two rooms connected by a door, and a 3/4 bathroom with a sink, toilet, and shower. I lived like a king that year.
I am worried about this
I am worried about this college stuff now too. SD is headed to college. SO wants to help but wants to pay the school directly and definitely not deal with BM. BM or SD need to get him whatever login and PIN number he needs to use. This has not happened. Plus I feel like since SS is still in High School and BM is receiving Child support for him she will still make demands about SD.