Skids are just guests in our home DH.....
DH and I had a talk about boundaries yesterday. I explained to him that the skids are just guests when they are here. If you think of them that way, you can enforce boundaries.
Just like you wouldnt expect your mom to walk in and start rearranging furniture or pictures or go through your drawers or steal your underwear, you shouldnt think its okay for your kids to do that just because they are your kids.
I explained- I am a guest in my own father and SM's home. I have never lived in that house. I have never lived with them. When I visit, I am respectful because I am a GUEST and I would like to be invited back.
When I go home to visit my mom, we have different boundaries. Mainly because my mom lives alone and has for years. I grew up in the apartment that she still lives in. My mom and I are SUPER close. But I am still a guest. I respect my mom's rules of the house. I am considerate of her environment.
When my mom had a BF live with her at one time, I then had to call before I came over. I couldnt assume that I could just stay the night like I used to before. I was respectful of their current living situation. And guess what, it wasnt that hard!
DH *might* have understood what I was trying to say.
I just cant fathom why the skids who have never lived with me (SS did, but I'm really referring more to the girl skids in this post), who see a new house that DH and I are moving into, so they have never lived in this house before, that is full out decorated with my furniture and belongings, so basically everything is new to them, not much is familiar, that they just automatically feel comfortable enough to start acting like fools.
There is nothing wrong with being a guest. You dont have to wash your bedsheets or towels when you leave. I will take care of that for you. I will clean the guest bedroom and bathroom for you and you will have a nice place to stay. I will cook the meals and wash the dishes.
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I agree. I know some people
I agree.
I know some people disagree, "That is his kid and his home is her home and blah, blah, blah," but it really isn't. SD has never lived with us, she has never lived in this house or the apartment we had previously.
Even when she was a minor and came EOWE, it really wasn't her HOME, so to speak. She had a bedroom that we used as a spare TV room when she wasn't here. She had no chores, other than picking up after herself. My husband cooked for her, even when she was old enough to get her own breakfast and lunch. We had toiletries for her but she brought her clothes with her and took them home when she left (we had a few clothing items for her here but not much).
Had we had her 50/50, it would have been different, but we didn't. She was and is a guest.
SS lived with us for a little
SS lived with us for a little over 2 years and he still felt like a guest to me. I never let it show though.
Yeah, I should have said, "if
Yeah, I should have said, "if we had had her 50/50 it MIGHT have been different." Truth be told, I still probably would have thought of her as a guest. Just a more frequent one!
I would say no, EOWnd skids
I would say no, EOWnd skids probably don't even know what drawer the silverware is in let alone what chores to do.
I do however think that life doesn't stop for skids, they may be there and hanging out but we still have to clean and grocery shop. I couldn't stand it when DH thought all the stuff we needed to get done could wait till SD was gone.
^^ I struggle with that one
I may start a thread on this very question!
When SS was just EOWE...He
When SS was just EOWE...He was not expected to do chores. He was just expected to pick up after himself.
I know I will get blasted, but I really do not think EOWE kids should have chores at that house.
I understand and can see why
I understand and can see why sort of that you feel that way.
I disagree, but my question is really about how that works when there are other children in the house? So you would have the children who live there doing chores like loading the dishwasher, setting the table, even cooking tea - and the "royal guests" sitting there being waited on hand and foot by yourself and your bios?
Not starting anything - just curious really as to how others would handle/see this?
I have no bios but if I did,
I have no bios but if I did, SD would have been doing the chores right along with them.
We until recently had ss9
We until recently had ss9 every 1st and 3rd weekend. he did not have an assigned chore per say but he would be expected to help with chores. How else will he learn how to wash dishes, load a diswasher, clean his room. He doesnt get that parenting from his BM so this way at least he is getting some kind of instruction on how to keep a nice home.
Helping is a little
Helping is a little different. SD would sometimes help DH clean the kitchen or do yard work but it wasn't her chore that she HAD to do on her own. It was good for her, though.
I agree, somebody had to teach her that stuff and it sure wasn't her BM.
When the skids did come to
When the skids did come to visit, no chores. But really they would come say 3 weekends in a row and then not come back for a month. I just expected them to pick up after themselves. Leave the house/bedroom/bathroom as how you found it. That is the same expectation for every guest that I have in my home.
When I have guest in my home,
When I have guest in my home, I go out of my way to make sure they are entertained and comfortable. They control the TV. I only cook meals I know they will enjoy. If we go out, they pick the restaurant, movie...
I don't expect guest to come over to my home and sit around fighting boredom. It's my responsibility ensure they have a good time.
I think treating kids as guest, will lead to them viewing dad as a fun time buddy and not a real parent.
Well, we didn't go that far
Well, we didn't go that far with the guest thing!
But the point is, it was not her home to just do as she pleased. She didn't have a key, had no say so in the decor (even in her room), and did not have free reign to go rooting around my cabinets or refrigerator.
Exactly!
Exactly!
Yup THIS exactly! Add to that
Yup THIS exactly!
Add to that what I commented above about the skids not having chores - what about when the bios do? So then your bios are essentially waiting on the skids?
no way.
In my house they are ALL expected to help. Do chores. It varies - but they are ALL expected to do stuff when they are here.
I don't think that is right.
I don't think that is right. If they are treated like guest in their fathers home, they never feel comfortable and that is an added strain on that relationship. They should have expectations and chores just like any other kid. But, they are not a guest.
When I was a teenager and I
When I was a teenager and I went and visited my dad, I knew it was temporary and that it wasn't my home. That after the visit I would go back to my home- which was my mom's. It didnt cause a strain. I enjoyed the visit, my dad and SM made me feel comfortable. I didnt have to feel like their home was my home in order to have a good relationship with them.
Just a different perspective.
When I was a guest visiting
When I was a guest visiting my dad as a kid before my mom took us from him, we had chores and expectations including dealing with our own bedding. I believe in reserving the guest title for the adults that only visit on occasion.
What about teenage kids that
What about teenage kids that only visit on occasion?
My Skids are teenagers and
My Skids are teenagers and when they were here it was still the same. It also teaches them to be good house guests for when they do grow up and stay with other people. I'm the same way with my friends kids and their teenagers too.
Does the amount of time the
Does the amount of time the skids are at the house and the age make a difference?
Yes Skids of any age
Yes Skids of any age especially teenagers, house rules are house rules. I see it one of two ways. Either your not wanting the Skids to visit (I for one don't) or you enjoy being their maid. :? ?? Sorry for I don't mean to sound harsh here but I'm struggling to understand your ideas bc boundaries and guests are two different things.
My husband may have his teenagers come and visit here as guests but they will always have boundaries. We expect them to step in and help, clean up after themselves, and treat others with respect. We do not allow them to visit and be slobs like their BM is but we are not clean freaks and expect them to clean above and beyond.