Need Advice: Custody Schedule
Hi all! I would love some feedback/ideas about our current custody schedule. Right now, my H rushes from work to pick up the skids, brings them home, we make dinner for them, get homework done and then it's usually time to take them back to BM. This is the schedule every day of the week and we also have every other weekend.
It really feels like we are after school babysitters for BM and we do all the parenty stuff that isn't as fun and get almost no quality time except on weekends. BM gets out of buying and cooking dinner (even though we give ridiculous amounts of child support) and we do all the icky stuff and as soon as they are fed (I sometimes squeeze in a bath and clean clothes if they have been neglected really badly by BM and are starting to smell) and done with chores and HW (BM doesn't have them do chores and if we don't have them do homework it wouldn't get done-she would allow them to play video games for six hours and not get their responsibilities taken care of). . In other words, she gets the cake part of parenting and we get all the responsibility. That's my first issue.
The second issue is that even though I care about the skids (no matter how much they frustrate me) and have their best interests at heart, I hate our current schedule because I don't get any time with H. By the time everything skid related is finished, it's too late to do anything and we are usually worn out. My skids are extremely troubled and I have six days out of the month that are skid free and I just don't feel like that's enough. I have to gear myself up to deal with them and when I hear their voices my stomach clenches with dread and I feel nauseated. I can totally deal with that, but not everyday! If they were nice kids and didn't have behavior problems that require constant attention I would probably feel differently, but no matter how great they were I still don't get enough time with H.
So here's my question: what is reasonable to ask for in regards to our schedule?
I would like to remove the Mon/Tues days from the skid schedule and possibly add on a few hours to Wed/Thurs or the weekend to make up the lost time. I don't ever want to make H choose between us, I just want a more equal balance. If we had two days off a week and more hours on the other days than I would get my needs met and our time with the skids would be less rushed with more time for fun things as well as dinner and homework.
Is this a reasonable suggestion? Any alternate ideas?
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Hmm...
I am first wondering if this afterschool care is court mandated or are you guys just helping BM out?
Personally, I would want EOW and Every Wednesday overnight. The weeknight visit would be from 2:30 PM to 8:30 AM or whatever time they are out of school to when they return the following day. The EOW visit would be what is considered an "extended weekend visit" being as from the time the kids are out of school on Friday til the time they return to school on Monday. This type of schedule would alleviate you seeing the SKids and BM on a nearly every day basis. It would also help factor in the BM as an actual parent in the equation.
Just a suggestion.
Take care,
Anne
"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."
Well I will suggest that if
Well I will suggest that if you have the kids the majority of the time anyways and your paying alot in CS then your DH should take BM back to court and either get full custody and/or have CS reduced. Because it does sound as though BM only has them sleeping at home at nights while you guys are the responsible parents. The money you give BM is supposed to help cover the cost of food and such but if they are eating at your house then that should be deducted. I am not sure of your financial situation or current custody agreement but get anything that will help prove the kids are at your home the majority of the time.
In attempting possibly gaining full custody that will mean you wont get much time with DH unless it's on the weekends BM takes the kids. But maybe you can hire a sitter once every week or every other week to go out with DH.
yeah or take her to court
yeah or take her to court for the larger percentage of custody in your favor and she pays you CS. Its like that now anyways even though your the one paying the CS she is getting the deal there. Your getting ripped off. Its like our situation 9 months out of the year they are ours and she gets them for the summer. NO CS is paid by her at all. We buy them everything. Scratch that I buy them everything they need. She is still mommy though even though she really honestly doesn't give a crap. grrrrrr.. but yeah TAKE HER TO COURT.
Good luck with that!
We have the kids 77 percent of the time (I actually took the time to figure that out) and still pay more than $800/month in CS to the mother, by virtue of the fact that she is the mother. This is after we went to court, too! So think long and hard before you shell out thousands for a lawyer.
Just a warning -- maybe you'll do better than we did. (Crossing fingers for you).
Your current setup is ridiculous.
Sorry I sound so bitter
Its cause i am .
StepMadre
I agree with Tainted Halo! If you have the kids that much, you guys should just take custody. Get BM to pay you CS.
Taking some of the financial difficulties away may help improve your mood toward the kdis. Also, the kids will probably benefit by having 1 true "home" like most other kids. They can visit their mom every, let's say, Sunday with a full weekend every other weekend. That way you and your DH get EVERY Sunday alone, and every other weekend skid free.
The reason I wrote every Sunday for the visitation day is that it doesn't sound like BM can do any weeknights really anyway, and this gives you and DH a full weekend day alone together every week.
Best of luck to you. I know how stressful what you are doing can be, as I went through the same thing myself. DH and I had SD most of the time when it was 50/50 and now we have full custody. We don't get nearly as much alone time together - especially now that SD doesn't want to see her mom AT ALL.
Also, as far as their emotional problems, it could be just from their mom's lack of parenting. If you had them full-on they may straighten up.
Best of luck to you...
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I agree with Stick,
If you have them full-time they might just straighten up.
I also think they need counseling (because it doesn't sound like BM can look after them properly).
I agree that you need to go to court to get the CS reduced. You have the skids at your home a lot of the time.
I don't know that "forcing" BM to be a parent is in anyone's best interest because of the fact that she's borderline.
Thanks!
Thanks! It was originally a plan that the lawyers came up with based on BM's request and we agreed to it, so i'm worried that it would be really hard to get it changed now. We were trying to compromise with BM and at the time H was worried about getting any time with the skids at all (BM threatened to block him from any custody and we didn't know if she could get away with that). I really wish we hadn't been so accepting of the plan, but I think our lawyer kind of screwed us over. BM actually originally wanted us to have less time with the skids and more CS!!! She acts like a martyr and claims that she has compromised enough whenever we have brought these issues up.
Thanks for the suggestion Anne, I will actually suggest that as a possible option to H. It would be wonderful to have some free days and definitely wonderful to have her actually have to do some of the serious parenting. Right now we are paying about 800.00 monthly in CS as well as half of daycare, medical bills, school supplies, counseling bills, etc...BM makes a lot more money than we do, so it doesn't make sense that we have this schedule and still have to pay that much CS. I checked and they calculate CS based on how many overnights we have so if we got one more overnight and eliminated some of the other days and/or sent the skids to BM's before dinner it would be a lot more reasonable. We are very poor due to student loans and are living in low income housing and we never eat out and tend to try to do free things like hiking or outdoor concerts in the park etc... Even though we scrimp and pinch like crazy we are still struggling because of CS. H wants to keep feeding the skids to a certain extent because BM does not feed them healthy food and the only time they get non-fast food and vegetables is with us. Do you think that the courts might reduce CS a little bit if food money is deducted? I'm just worried because they don't seem to take individual situations into account.
The ironic thing is that my sister had the same lawyer we did for resolving her custody issues with my niece and her "baby daddy" only pays 30.00 a month! He only has two overnights a week and doesn't contribute anything else. I think our lawyer might be a really crappy lawyer! It just doesn't make sense and definitely isn't fair.
I would actually be fine with having the skids for long stretches at a time. I have a wonderful, supportive family that live nearby and they are always willing to babysit so we could have the occasional night out. I think it would be a lot easier because our time with them would feel more normal, less rushed and BM would actually have to pull her weight as a parent. The skids also act way, way better when they are with us for longer periods of time. On the weekends we have, they are almost normal by the time they have to go back to BM's and then on the next day, after being with her for a day, they are back to acting out and being rude. It would be really great to have quality time with them and have more time for us and kid-free days for my sanity. I think right now BM is just using us as free babysitters that PAY HER!
First I have to get my H behind any new schedule and make sure that he is happy with it too. We have talked about how difficult it is, but he is scared that his time with the skids will be cut drastically if he tries to change the plan. My next worry is BM. She will DEFINITELY freak out (and she will know that I am behind the change) and I don't know what she would agree to. She has been extremely irrational and unfair in the past and when H and her were meeting up to try to hatch a plan, she haggled with him like an auctioneer (he would suggest dropping the skids with her at 6pm and she would say 4:30pm, then he would stick to 6pm and she would agree to 5 and so on. Now we have a bizarre schedule where for example on one day we drop the skids off at 5:40?!). He once asked her why she was being so unreasonable and she said, "because you abandoned your family" and she openly admitted to being difficult to get revenge for being dumped (he has clarified a billion times that he left HER, not the skids, but she refuses to acknowledge that).
So I am foreseeing that she is going to be a big problem and i'm not sure how to prepare for that. I will bring up your suggestions with H and hopefully we will be able to work out a couple possible schedules together. I have this feeling that we are just going to have to get a different lawyer and re-open the case. There are pretty good sliding-scale lawyers in our area and after our results with an expensive lawyer (we had to borrow money to pay for it), I am not sure that money buys quality when it comes to custody lawyers.
Anyway, thanks again for the suggestions! I will keep you all posted.
"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki
Court counts
Court counts overnights---that is why you continue to pay so much for support. She is manipulating the situation. If I were you I would go back to court and have custody changed if you can. You spend all the time and money on the kids she merely puts them to bed. Not fair.
I would go for EOW and alternating Holidays with longer
stretches in the Summer.
That gives the Skidlets uninterrupted time in each household rather the back and forth every day situation you have now.
Good luck,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Geez
You need to get this changed. It sounds like you basically send the SKids back to their BM so they can sleep. That's about it. Yet, the ex-wife gets loads of child support to take care of the SKids. Sounds like BM has it pretty easy. She's got you doing everything for her when it comes to her kids and she worked on guilt to get your husband to agree with this schedule by telling him he wouldn't get to have any time with the kids.
With this kind of a schedule, you might as well have them full time.
Is there anyway that dad
Is there anyway that dad could keep them for a 4 day weekend?
I would try to approach biomom before taking her to court. It seems like something like that can be dealt with out of court.
Great advice!
Thanks everyone! Wonderful advice and it's really nice to read supportive words about this. It makes me feel like i'm not crazy for wanting a good schedule with the skids! I've been feeling really bitter about her basically putting the kids to bed (exactly right, Gettingby!) and leaving most of the serious stuff to us. Oh, I also forgot to add this: a few months ago BM had a temper tantrum and said that she wanted to legally make it so I can't be with the skids alone (????!!!!) and when H refused to get worked up and calmly discussed it with her, she finally gave up. THEN, she had a series of personal crises and needed someone to watch the skids in the am during their school break. She yelled at H when he couldn't do it because he works all day (who does she think is paying the CS?!) and then she told him that he needed to make me do it! He told her immediately that he would not ask me and she flipped out. He said it wasn't my job to be her babysitter (go H!) and after her treatment of me, she had no right to ask favors. Can you believe this? She sure changes her tune, depending on what she wants!
Anyway, discussed this with H and we are going to try to talk to her (actually H is going to talk to her-less potential drama that way) before taking it to court. I'm hoping and praying that we are able to find a solution and have a less stressful and reasonable schedule that benefits us and the skids.
Thanks again for all the comments, you guys are great!
"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki
BM used to do this years
BM used to do this years back too. She would say SD and I spend to much time with each other. Then she would ask my H if I could take her to an activity I planned (SD told BM she wanted to come with me). They can't have it both ways.
I'm in a similar situation
We actually ended up petitioning the court for a set placement schedule and the court appointed attorney was the one who made the recommendation for our schedule (every other day back and forth between houses during the week with rotating weekends) Granted we keep them overnight, but it still sucks having no consistency or stability. Why did the Guardian ad litem do this? Because it worked best for BM's work schedule AND I was available "at any time" to take care of the skids (I am at home with my 1 year old BD). Of course he never bothered to talk to me about this. I have found that the court also tends to frown upon people changing things from what has been common practice. When DH spoke to the GAL about needing to change the schedule (it had previously been that BM dictated which days she wanted and didn't want) to a fixed schedule, the GAL gave DH the "well you didn't have a problem doing it for this long...." speech. DH, by trying to be the reasonable parent, had painted himself into a corner because the court (I believe) assumes that the parent who is reasonable will continue to bend and adjust, so why not side with the parent that "can't adjust."
"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get me"