Changed Outlook......... BM issues / SM issues......
After reflecting back on the court case last week, and issues DH and I have had to deal with BM (DH for 6 years - myself for about 2 years - since she met me and we got married)
I have come to a couple realizations..... and have decided to stop allowing BM into my marriage and home emotionally.... She will no longer be a topic of discussion on any type of regular basis... at all!
DH and myself have spent so much energy on trying to figure her out, trying to keep her at least peaceful, and discussing her and her actions. Well, no more.
We will now concentrate on our marriage and our kids - period! BM -poof be gone. Find your own man to pay attention to you and make a fuss over you. We have much much much better things to do.
I married my DH because I loved him, I treat my SD like my own daughter because I love SD. It is no longer important to me that BM understand or likes me or the fact that I am the SM in this situation. Who cares what she thinks about our rules in our home, who cares if she thinks I am a mom or not, who cares what she think of how we run our household. Who cares what she thinks about anything pertaining to us. She (BM) is not that important in the grand scheme of our marriage. She did not take our committment and has no place taking up our time or emotions. DH and I married each other and that is where our time, emotions and energy should and will be placed from now on.
My DH and I will treat our children the best we know how, and BM will be put in and remain in her place. She is an x-girlfriend who happens to have had DH's child. Nothing more - nothing less. The respect and energy are to be spent on his BD in regards to her (BM)thier relationship was over almost 7 years ago. So it will be over now as well.
I even told DH - lets not discuss her anymore. The new court order puts parameters on her that if she does not follow - she will be in contempt - so we will let that be the final say in all things.
I am really looking forward to being able to be a wife, SM and BM without having to deal with her weekly stupidity anymore. The judge gave us a recourse and we are going to use it.
It is amazing to me how much BM consumed our lives - even though we were not trying to let it. All the stress and questions were not worth it at all. We know that we were doing what is right and DH has done what is right when it comes to SD. The courts agreed with us and gave us a stellar court order.
Now it is time for us to be able to be ourselves - and keep her and her antics out of our marriage, our home, and our lives. It is just not worth waking up and discussing her.
I am sure she will not change and continue down her path of alienation and stupid actions... But now we can just let is roll off our backs and let the lawyer handle it.... since the judge told him - if BM acts up again and DH has to call the lawyer -to come in and talk with the judge and she will take action.
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imagr8tma....
That is awesome...good for you!!! I'm especially glad that the judge is so much on your side. It gives me hope that judges do see through the BS & games.
I wanted so much to be where you are right now. I had hoped that things would be resolved in court for us yesterday & it looks like that's not going to happen. However, we don't have to let BM control our lives anymore. We can limit how often we talk about her & mostly save it for preparing for court. And once court is done...that's it! If BM continues to overstep her boundaries & impose on our lives, it'll be time for a restraining order. I am hoping that our judge gives us a fair court order, preferably limiting how much BM interferes in our lives & plays these games.
That, my dear, is awesome...
"She (BM) is not that important in the grand scheme of our marriage. She did not take our committment and has no place taking up our time or emotions. DH and I married each other and that is where our time, emotions and energy should and will be placed from now on."
Absolutely!! Good for you. I think if more SM's adopted this attitude, there would be a lot less BM drama. Don't allow her to take up free rent in your head!! I placed a "no vacancy" sign on my forehead awhile ago and I've been much better for it!!
How people behave is their Karma, how you react is yours.
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
Good for You Imagr8...
I have tried that approach. It's easier said than done. I have been unable to master the technique of letting BM roll off my back.
I try. But the mere sound of her voice on my DH's phone, just SEEING her number on his cell, or her illiterate text messages drive me UP the wall.
Of course... maybe if I stopped looking at his phone and reading her texts I'd be able to control the reaction, but I am fascinated if not consumed or obsessed by her level of stupidity.
I am thrown off by how useless she renders herself to be and how she still, 9 years later has the ability to get under my skin the way she does.
In a way I understand that I am ultimately giving her that power, but I have been unable to change that!
I've said before that things have gotten WAY better. But I still find myself boiling in anger whenever I hear her stupid messages. I know it's MY problem and I have to learn to deal with it. I just wish I knew how.
It's hard...
Look, you don't have to like her!!! There is nothing that says you have to be friends with that woman. I'm sure she's put you through hell. But when you see her name or hear her voice, just acknowledge the fact that you're disgusted or angry and then move on. You have a right to those feelings. Dwelling on them is not healthy though. At least acknowledging them will help you feel better about it and make it easier to focus on other things instead of sitting and simmering over the fact that she still has contact with your DH and allowing it to disrupt your day.
Trust me, I've been there. And don't think my insides don't get a tug sometimes when I see her name on my DH's phone or hear about something else she did. I've learned to just put those feelings in the place where they belong....acknowledge I'm ticked and then move on. It really does work!
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost
Good for you!
What a relief it is to see that the courts can work in our favour. Excellent outlook.
imagr8ma
Good for you!! This can be VERY difficult to do! I hope you continue with this outlook in the future as well!!
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
BM -poof be gone. - I love it!!
"And this too shall pass..."
You are a Saint!
I just read your entire blog from start to finish and was absolutely blown away. You are a saint. I don't know how you have managed to keep your composure when dealing with this BM.
I applaud your decision to keep the subject of the BM out of your home. When I first started dating my fiancee, my soon-to-be SD's BM and her antics was a constant topic of conversation, it seemed. I've never been the type to really speak up when things annoy me, but I finally started to speak up and request the subject be changed whenever anyone wanted to start talking about her - plus I hated the fact that sometimes these conversations would take place in front of my SD.
Anyway, I am praying for you and your family, and especially your SD. Continue to fight the good fight - God put you in this little girl's life for a reason.
Spokes Woman
Ima you need to run for president, you said that perfectly....i just hope we all take a chapter from your blog because BM's can consume our emotions and time....The way we piss them off is not to fuss over them with our DH but love our DH even more because that is what the real issue is, they are just jealous...So ima just for your post i will go home today and put it on my DH just for no reason and in the back of my mind i will say BM take that....LOL....Lord ima i know your DH will be in for a good time tonight, you go girl.....I want all of us to take a vested interest in our marriages and not let BM's around the world have us stoop to their ignorant level..but i really feel for the kids in these situations and the good DH in these situations because i know all of them are doing the best they can......
I have used this successfully before
To get my in-laws to stop constantly talking about either our BM or their sociopath other son. I listen enough to see if it is something new, then I change the subject when it goes on too long.
Obsessing about unhealthy people is as unhealthy as they are! I wanted to talk about positive things in our lives and so now that is mainly what we do. Good idea and it does work!
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2