Wow, what a bold accusation to make! I think in this time, the two of you should be coming together as a team who loves this child and who mutually care about the child's well-being. Have you guys scheduled an appt with a child psych yet?

___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

Hello Thorny Kitty. There are two problems here. As far as you being affectionate towards a hormonal, teenage boy, I'll tell you the same thing my therapist told me when my ex drove me to therapy trying to bully me into cuddling with his touchy feely 16 year old and it was driving me nuts. The therapist said no grown woman that isn't a child's actual mother has any business being physically affectionate towards him. You feel uncomfortable because you should. Even if he doesn't have sexual feelings towards you at the moment, that doesn't mean he won't develop those feelings with time. That's not something you should be encouraging.

The other issue is DH blaming you for his son's self abuse. Guilty parents often look for anything and everything to blame for their child dissatisfaction. You just happen to be a convenient scapegoat because you are there, and BM isn't. Otherwise. She would be to blame, or the kids at school, or the teachers, or the weather, or just about anything that parent can find. The child is old enough to be held accountable for his behavior. He should be in therapy, but that DOES NOT mean it is your fault he belongs in therapy. It sound like you are doing the best you can, and he has no right to blame you.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."