Probably just sounds like hollow words right now, but you have to know in your heart that you did the best you could and try to have faith that as she matures and gets a family of her own that she will give you that acknowledgement. It's hard to comment without knowing more details, but if I use patterns of behavior, my guess is she is knows she screwed up and is in denial just a bit...but it's really easy to use out of sight, out of mind with you. She's at an age where she's pretty much all about herself....my guess would be as she becomes a mother would be your best chance of guess when she might come around. I really am sorry...stepparenting is just so tough, because we can do our best and try our hardest, but we all know deep down we'd get thrown to the wolves for the bioparents in a heartbeat if they'd just throw the kid a bone...my kids' biodad has promised them everything in the past too...what's working now is he's letting my daugther's friend move in with him so she doesn't have to move overseas with her parents...in the teen years, they go headlong into the ME ME ME time of life...big time.

Sounds to me like SD realizes that she made a bad choice. Her "daddy" promised her the world if she would hurt you and she sold her soul for that promise and now she is supporting herself by waitressing. She either realizes this and is too proud and / or embarrassed to own up to it and apologize or she blames you for her bad decision. Either way, this is really sad for you. Just know that their are biodads out there who get the same treatment from their kids, so you aren't alone. The only way to move on is to allow yourself to grieve your loss as though she actually died and don't put yourself out there for more rejection. My SD is only 5 and I have a completely different situation, but on some level I feel that sadness because I am the one raising this kid. Her mother sees her 2 days a week, never cooks her a meal, never goes to her school as a homeroom mom, won't play boardgames or take her out in the snow etc. What she does do is overindulge her with toys and allows her to do whatever she wants on those two days. So I spend my Friday morning last week curling her hair, doing her nails and getting her all dressed up for her Christmas show at school and after the show she runs off the stage directly into the arms of MOMMY who she wanted to meet all her friends, while I stood on the sidelines. Sad? Yes. Surprised? Not really. I chose to get her ready. Next time I may not. Kids tend to gravitate toward the parent whom they have to earn love and step all over the parent they know will be there no matter what. If one parent (Parent A) makes them feel like they'll be loved and cherished IF they show no affection toward the other parent (Parent and if that other parent is willing (and they usually are) to suck up being treated badly and will still be there at the end of the day, the child will take the path of least resistance. That is why I don't always buy into "taking the high road" and "not fighting fire with fire". Sometimes kids need to see that Parent A sucks and that Parent B won't tolerate being tossed aside.

For years, SD5 absolutely refused to hug or even acknowledge DH at exchanges with her mother because it "made mommy sad". One day DH was leaving for a dinner meeting and she wanted a hug. He said "you can't expect hugs when it is convenient for you and then snub me when mommy is around" and he left. It sounded mean at the time and it was incredibly difficult for him to say to her BUT she has hugged him (albeit in an awkward way) at every exchange since. Sometimes you need to fight for what you want by not letting the child have the power over you.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

I heard once that skids will only forgive and be able to commiserate with their step parent when they are themselves step parents. She doesn't know what she is doing and it doesn't seem like she is able to find her way. I hope that you can reach her somehow, keep reinforcing whenever you can that you care about her and want a continued relationship with her. I wonder if she will talk to you about why she has distanced herself so much from her mother and you. If it is a monetary thing I would stick to my guns. Have you told her how much you guys are hurting? In a calm sweet way, I don't know you but you sound very sincere and calm.
The early 20's are the "turbulent 20's" I wasn't real concerned about my parents feelings at that point in my life at all. I have turned around and have a great relationship with them at 46 turned around around 30.
Just be there for her when she falls and SHE WILL FALL. I wish you much luck and success.

I started raising my SD at 5 as well. Much different story. Met BIO Mom online almost 12 years ago now. Moved in with her knowing full she had a daughter. Wanted to become friends with her. At that point she was seeing her mom on Sunday nights for maybe a few hours. This was before I moved in or knew I would move in and marry her Mom. I realized right away there was something tragically wrong with this little girl at 5. I learned she was staying with Wiccans. A self proclaimed witch named 'Jenny' with 2 husbands and multiple sex partners. I told my future wife I thought the child was being molested. Heather had a sad look on her face the first moment I laid eyes on her. This child would cry constantly no matter what. No matter how hard I tried she would never accept me. I gave her all the love I could as if she were my own, never abused her in any way. I listened to her problems, was a home room father, kissed her held her, provided a home and financial support, took her to every dentist appointment (had to buy braces). Then in 6th grade there was a lecture on child abuse. heather told a counselor that she had been sexually abused by the Wiccans many times since she was 5. My wife refused to believe it. Prior to that the child said to me, "Troy (one of Jenny's husbands) always shows me his, "why don't you ever show me yours'? I told her this was wrong very gently. She clammed up. I immediately told her mother who simply ignored it. When Heather was 15 she told me about it. We hugged and cried with one another. Heather would not repeat what she told me to her mother. Again her mother refuses to believe it and thinks its made up. I know better. My SD moved her Boyfriend in at this age and they began to fight constantly. When they started hitting one another and my SD tried to hit my 74 year old mother I asked her BF to move out. My SD screamed at me 'I hate you and hope you die! She has lived at with another self proclaimed Wiccan Lady in town now for 6 months. She goes to High school, 11th grade and baby sits her two kids. My wife has a deal with the federal government where she pretends she is baby sitting but my SD gets the money for doing so. I have not seen my SD since Thanksgiving. I mourn for her as though she were dead. I realize I must go on. My wife has always allowed my SD anything. No discipline of any sort. I believe it is neglect and abandonment to allow my child I raised to live on her own at 16. But if I challenge it my wife will leave me. I do love my wife so I accept it although my heart is broken.

Yes, you will go through your time of mourning the relationship you had, and the stages of grief (research these if you need a refresher). I did this with my SD18 when I realized how she had betrayed me and her dad.

Eventually you will realize, that you did the very best you could, and that you alone cannot continue a relationship with someone who doesn't want it.

Sit back, get your joy in your own life back, outside of parenting SD - that is all you are guaranteed in this life. Even biokids often turn against their parents.

So take heart - there is really nothing more you can do, until the skid makes a move to repair! and, they probably will. HUGS
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"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers