Venting...
I hate being a stepmom! My SD doesn't listen at all sometimes I think this kid has ADD & if she did that wouldn't be a problem but at least I would be able to give her some meds & learn how to deal with a child who has ADD. She is only 6 but gets on my very last nerve sometimes. I call her a pest when I refer to her when speaking to a friend. My husband and I were only married for 4mos when she came to live with us so there was no honeymoon stage and this really uspsets me that we do get any us time. I hate having to share him or anything with her. She always wants my damn snacks precisly when I am about to have it or she just always wants anything else that she can't or shouldn't have. She came with no manners, disipline, stucture, routine or balance and that's what I'm all about. She was 5 and couldn't count to 10 let alone recognize the numbers, didn't know her ABCs and was just such a big whinny & needy baby. A huge spoiled brat. She isn't affraid of her dad there is no respect and it fustrates me. She was living with her BMs mother and would only visit him on weekends. I have my first kid on the way I'm due any day now and just know things are about to get harder b/c as much as I shouldn't I will def show my baby girl more love and affection as it will come naturally.
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Ok I really hope that this
Ok I really hope that this is just a vent of a lot of pent up frustration and that you don't actually feel this much animosity and disgust about this child all the time. If so I don't think that stepmotherhood is for you.
She's 6 years old and in an awful situation. She's been uprooted from her home and moved in with a completely different family - not to mention a stranger (you) which you can't expect her to be positively thrilled about, as it is obvious that you, a grown woman, are not thrilled about her presence either. And before that, she didn't even live with her parent. How do you think she feels about all this?
If she didn't know her numbers, ABC's, manners, or discepline, do you think that's her fault? Children know what they are taught. If she has been taught to be whiney and needy than that is how she will be. Hopefully you and your husband will be able to help her to learn things like discepline and manners which she was not taught when she lived with her grandmother.
She is 6 years old. Please don't run to get an ADD diagnosis and drug her up to try to make her act the way you think she should. This situation screams "counseling!!" to me. She needs it, and you need it too.
Like I said before, hopefully this is just a vent and you are feeling more upset and irrational than usual right now. Maybe the pregnancy is making you speak this way. Because if you are so brash as to admit that you "hate" having to share your husband or anything with her, and that you will show your daughter more love and affection than this poor little girl who is more a victim of the situation than you are, then you really should think about whether you belong in this situation.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Wow. I agree 110% with
Wow.
I agree 110% with Nymh.
Did this child even know you before you and DH got married and she came to live with you?
This child is in a situation she did not ask for. She is hurting too. She must see other kids her age and feel horrible inside. She needs help. This situation is brand new to her. She could probably benefit from seeing a good child psychologist. You could benefit from seeing a psychologist as well. Your SD can probably sense how you feel about her. She needs help. She has no control over the situation.
I agree ladies I hope this
I agree ladies I hope this isn't a real blog---so many miss spellings and ranting--I doubt it.
Just an FYI the site does
Just an FYI the site does say "where stepparents come to vent"... which is the only reason I felt at liberty to join and express my fustrations. It is a real blog, these are my real feelings and typos are inevitable.
I'm not mean, I'm just honest...
There is an edit button for
There is an edit button for typos- btw
but yikes--even venting this is extreme way worse than I have seen and I have been here for nearly a year.
Wow... But I have to
Wow...
But I have to understand. Maybe this is her first blog ladies...
And maybe all of this has been building up in her for quite awhile now. If she hasnt had anyone to talk to, then she's probably really frustrated...!
If any of you remember, my first blog was sort of like this. I had so mubh built up inside me that i just let it rip when I found this site.
Maybe she was just so frustrated by the time she found this site, that she blew... Its understandable that it happens alot!
So I hope we're not judging people again, baised on one blog.
This child is not the cause of her behavior problems.
Its her parents, or their lack of, disipline.
Its not her fault that she doesnt know how to count, it would be her parents.
So if your not willing to work with this child, and see if she will be able to become the child everyone here knows she can be, why are you still around? If you dispise that child so much, you wish she would go away? She isnt going anywhere. Shes still your H's child. and she always will be.
You are all right it is
You are all right it is indeed my first blog and yes I know she is only six so I never take anything out on her. Yes I am fustrated extemely because he and I have completly different parenting techniques as I mentioned before I'm used to structure, dicipline, balance & respect. She did know me before her father and I got married and because she didn't have the stability I felt a child needed I agreed to have her live with us. Had I known the gravity of the situation or what was to come I would have never took on the role of "mom" especially when hers is alive and kicking. I try very much to be pacient and understanding and also keep in mind that she is six. But some days are hard and she deffinitly pushes my buttons. I guess she is used to the way she was being brought up, they would never say no to not hear her cry and just gave her everything and anything she wanted. Oh and let's not even get into the eating habits... It isn't always bad but I have been around children my whole life help raise my nieces and nephews and babysat for all of my little cousins & I have never come across such a stubborn and deffiant child. I don't want to "drug" her I said at least if I knew she indeed had ADD I can learn how to deal. Again your right it's not her fault she wasn't taught all of these things but it's easier to raise and 2yr old than a 6yr old who already has her own habits good or bad and has her personality fully developed. She has only been living with me since August and inwill say she has come a long way she know say please, thank you, excuse me, may I she is reading small sentences and counts to 50 and that is due to lots of hard work and dedication. In no way did I mention the fact thatbshe didn't know these things to make her sound worse however it has been lots of work getting her to where she is now and it certainly has not been easy. My main concern is that she just doesn't listen & just does what she wants and expects you to run an jump when she request something. In any event I thought this place was to get advise help from other women or parents having a tough time being a step-parent and I certainly didn't think that my spelling would be scrutinized none the less I do hope to gain some helpful tips and information.
We are giving you advice.
We are giving you advice. Sometimes the best course of action in our opinion is not in how you mold or shape the child, but in changing our thought process about the child and the situation.
A six year old does not have her personality fully developed yet. Heck, I didn't have my personality fully developed at 16, much less 6. Don't think that there isn't time to do good work with this child or that her bad behaviors are set in stone. You have already come so far in the 6 months that you have had her. These things take time.
The truth of the matter is, it IS a lot of work to be a step parent, even more so when you have to come in and clean up someone else's bad parenting mess. This is just the tip of the iceberg on all the hard work and dedication that this child is going to require.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
exactly. btw- it wasn't
exactly.
btw- it wasn't just the spelling it was the ranting. You wrote it while it came out of your thoughts, and frankly we can't give advice if you are not clear.
Thank you for being more descriptive and clear with this last comment.
I guess I just didn't
I guess I just didn't anticipate for it to be such a struggle or for this to be so difficult. But it's a learning process for all three of us My husband my SD & myself. I really do need him to step up somedays and just show some tough love and be a bit firm & not be such a push over. I know her personality isn't "fully developed" but she definitly has a mind of her own & thinks she knows what she wants & doesn't.
And yes she has come a long was since August due to MY hard work and dedication now the teachers and school have been great but we sit and practice eveythin she learned everyday. I'm the one constant in her life with out the routine I have created for her she would not have been able to come this far.
Maybe a lot does have to due that I am pregnant... I'm due anyday now but & perhaps "HATE" was a strong word but Somedays I really dislike her behavior and I don't think there is anything wrong in saying that although you all have made it seem that way. From being married to being a step-parent to blogging it's all new to me so there are going to be lots of things that I say & mention that we may not agree on. I didn't get my honeymoon stage after being married I ened up getting pregnant like that firs week lol & then his daughter came to live with us so I think that I do have the right to feel fustrated some days and upset others; be it at myself, my situation my husband or my step-daughters behavior/ actions.
I'm not looking for any step-mom award of the year here. I just want to learn from other step-parents how to cope with certain situations so that I can become a better SM to my SD. I know that I have done some great things with her, she didn't have a bed time or sleep in her own bed & she used to wet the bed & I got through that in week one. So I know my parenting skills are up to par & that I can over come just about anything.
But the fact of the matter is while trying to overcome the new obstacle & the next bad habbit I get overwhelmed at times during the process & apparently it doesn't get easier.
My son is 7. ADHD,ODD,and
My son is 7. ADHD,ODD,and anxiety disorder. Diagnoses by SEVERAL DIFFERENT doctors. And I STILL wanted more opinions before putting him on meds...finally after behavior modification failed over and over I had no choice but to resort to meds along with the behavior program.
You have a right to be frustrated but don't hang on to hope that meds will fix her, They will not fix her.
Sounds like other than the severe lack of education, your SD is behaving like a normal 6 years old child of a split family.
If you want to make it work, she needs therapy and it would be best if you had a LOT of support in dealing with her from your husband and other family members.
It IS difficult but you just have to think positive and it will get better in some ways. It's all in how you deal with it. Small adjustments in how you think and react to things will make a HUGE difference in the situation.
"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."
Thanks, I think that my
Thanks, I think that my biggest problem is that perhaps I dont know how normal 6yr old act or function I have never had to live with a 6yr old let alone raise one.
I dont want to use meds as a solution, I do not even want her to have or be diagnosed with any disorder or any form of ADD. I was just simply saying if that were the case there are ways to educate myself and become more knowledgeable in that area.
I guess we all just need more time to adjust my DH because he never lived with her on a fulltime basis after she was 1.5 or two, me because I have never been married or lived with a 6yr and her because for the first time she has been introduced to all these news things that i consider normal... sturcture, balance, disipline and routine.
Lets see how things go
Joining the site seems to be helping me not to keep things inside. I do speak with my BFF a lot but she is not a parent and i also speak to my mom but she can be a bit old school lol. I try speaking to my DH but i don't always tell him exactly how i feel b/c im sure if it were the other way around i would not want someone complaing so much about my kid.
I'm not mean, I'm just honest...
Ok darlin' first of all, we
Ok darlin' first of all, we are not attacking you or telling you that how you feel is wrong. You said that we make it seem that there is something wrong with stating that you dislike her behavior - that's not what we are talking about. It just seems that you are a little more malicious about your SD than what we are used to seeing. Maybe because you are pregnant and due anytime - I know I was on my last nerve 24/7 when I was near my due date.
However, the more you write, the more you are contradicting yourself, too. First you said that you have been around children all your life, then said that you don't know how a normal 6 year old acts... You said that she was 6 and her personality was fully developed, then you said that you knew that it wasn't fully developed. We're not trying to nitpick but it seems that every time we point out something that you have said, or give our advice based on the information you have given us, you come back with something that is the complete opposite of what you said before.
We really are here to help because we are all in the same boat, but it's hard when the story keeps changing. Try not to get upset about what we write, we're just giving our advice based on the information that we have which admittedly isn't much since you are very new here.
Although you did say that this is due to YOUR work and your routine and that you are the one constant in your SD's life - am I the only one that finds it odd that the father is not participating in the education of this child, especially since you guys have only been married for 8 months and you have only known this child for 4 months... It seems wrong to me that he is not taking more of the responsibility for your SD.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I have known my stepdaughter
I have known my stepdaughter for the entire length of time that i know my husband which is 2.3 yrs. However what i didn't know was that she came with so many issues b/c she wasnt always around and i never had to live with her and never was able to fully evaluate her behavior. She did know for months that she was coming to live with me and her dad and seemed generally excited. She has only mentioned 1x time that she wanted to return to where she used to live and that was probably in the first month. She has never said once can i call my mom or visit my mom so I believe she is happy here with us.
Yes i have been around children my whole life but i never had to live with and raise with a 6yr old and let alone one with such bad habits. Babysitting my little cousins, nieces & nephew for a weekend or helping my brother raise my nephew up until he was two doesnt compare to my SD. Those were all children that were used to structure and disipline. All the children I have come across have been obediante and respectful. I say idk how a normal 6yr old should act because if i compare her to my 6yr old niece who lives with both her biological parents, my niece blows her out of the water in all aspecs. Due to the way she is being raised and the tight ship they run. My niece swims, is in ballet, plays t-ball, was reading by 5, knows her grandmothers phone number, and is twice my SD6 size not to mention extremly grateful and appreciative of anything you give her or do for her/ with her. So again although i have another 6yr old in my life and i am trying to raise my SD in the same fashion and would love that she be like my niece one day, no I dont know whats the norm b/c comparing the two doesnt help.
I dont find that i change what i say or change my stroy... my SD does have her little own personalty be it fully developed half way or 1/4 developed its deffintly there and she can clearly and does clearly express her likes/dislikes, what she wants or doesnt and what she feels she needs or doesnt need. And most of the time her ill behavior does indeed get on my nerves and makes me upset but i dont let her know she is bugging me. I keep it inside or text a friend.
My husband does help but he is much more of a push over and isnt as firm as i am. Her sad puppy eyes or low baby voice she uses doesnt affect me b/c i know its just an act but they do affect him so he tends to be more lenient. with her. He indeed did not have much say in raising her up until the time she moved in b/c the BM would only allow weekend visits and as you can imajine he wasnt much of a disciplinarian when it was time to be with her b/c he just want to show her love and attetion but did it by giving her whatever she wanted and buying whatever she wanted. So now that we are both raising her and i have my particular way that i feel a child should be brought up he is learning from me. Which i do have to say has been imrpoving a whole lot these last few weeks.
I'm not mean, I'm just honest...