I haven't blogged in a long while. My frustrations got to me, and DH and I had a massive and ugly brawl sometime ago. We eventually made up, shook hands and decided to keep trying at this stepfamily thing but that blow-out led me to the following insights:

1. While some of it is his lack of taking initiative, his hands really are tied with respect to BM's actions sometimes, and fighting her is a waste of energy. If I fight him to get him to fight her, I waste a lot of energy. If he wants to give in, fine with me, as long as it doesn't affect MY time or cost me money. If it means he has less time for me and our kids, his loss.

2. It turns out the much of the time DH (to my utter shock and surprise) agrees to do as she says because he is ok with her plans, I'm the only one not ok with them. This gives me such a dreadful feeling, as if he's acting as her husband instead of mine; but what he actually wants is for me to support his "decision" to agree with her plans. I've decided to support him, and not question or complain about anything as long as the plans don't significantly affect me and our kids, certainly no more complaining if she wants to keep them for a weekend.

3. He wants me to care less about the kids, so that he doesn't have to report all of his communication with Ex and kids to me, and so I don't get on his case about their shortcomings. YET, he wants me to care profusely about the kids, so that I am genuinely excited and enthusiastic about their (meagre) achievements. I dunno. Perhaps because they're not my kids, I highlight more of their shortcomings?? But I have indeed reached the point of caring less, and I feel an immense weight off my shoulders. Now, I sorta fake excitement and enthusiasm when needed, and it's been working.

4. While I am responsible for managing the household finances, I am no longer reminding him about CS. BM usually calls/texts anyway.

5. I'm done being concerned about if he spoke to ex and/or kids and what was said. I'm not brigning them up in my conversations. I may still read his text messages and check his call log, but I am utterly trying my best to NOT CARE about what was discussed, so as to NOT ASK anything. What has ended up happening is that instead of talking (getting angry and asking questions to get details) I find myself gritting my teeth and fuming in silence. Once, during one of these moments, he asked me what's wrong and then got mad because I said "Nothing." I had to laugh, I explained to him that I was gritting my teeth and silently fuming so as to not argue with him because he would not like what I had to say. I think he appreciated the silence after that.

6. I'm done with ASKING nicely about the schedule. He can tell me whenever. As of now I'm at home and readily available, but that doesn't mean I'll have a 3 course meal ready at the drop of a spoon because he calls and says they'll be here in 30 mins. Nope. They can eat what I've cooked or make sandwiches or whatever. And if I happen not to be here because I wasn't informed on time, he'll have to deal with it. Soooo tired about asking, so until he tells me something during the week, I'm pretending they aren't coming for the weekend (and for some reason this gives such a good feeling).

For DH's part, after our blow out, he too seems to have come to some sort of insight and he has been doing the following:
1. Reading and making the kids read
2. Limiting computer time, enforcing bedtimes
3. He's taken my advice a couple times e.g. he listened to my suggestion to join BM at the kids' open house and meet all their teachers (when he decided to go, BM decided she wasn't going anymore)

Anyway, I just thought I'd put it in writing and share. Hope you all are finding some peace in your unique "step" lives.