To me, it sounds like you are wasting your time.

Your husband doesn't really seem that interested in this relationship or taking it back to where it was, when the two of you were happy. I mean, he said that it wouldn't be so difficult to leave you? He was glad to have a responsible adult (the counselor) around?

Did the counselor ask what each of you wants and expects to get out of counseling? Because I'm thinking it's two VERY different things. In which case, it won't work.

The Ostrich said he's fine with everything, but he was thinking of leaving you? How is that being fine with everything?

I think he is using the threat of leaving you to whip you back into the shape he wants. Your interests and needs don't seem to matter to him. He is ok with his kids controlling him. He's not concerned that you are uncomfortable going to his children's house, only that they are not comfortable/unable to come to yours.  Since he's happy to be their doormat, he thinks you should do the same thing. 

I think you need to put your needs down on a piece of paper. Take some time and really think about them.  What do you want the rest of your life to look like, how do you want to live your golden years, what do you expect from your husband during this time and how are you willing to meet HIS needs? I'd go to another counseling session, read out loud to your DH and counselor what your needs/wants are and contrast that with the current situation.

When you are done reading them, ask your counselor if the needs you just cited are reasonable or unreasonable. If she states they are reasonable, turn to your DH and ask him if he is able/willing to help you achieve those needs/wants.  If not, you will have your answer on the state of your marriage. You will then need to decide if you split or decide to live the rest of your days as roommates.

Unfortunately this counseling session could prove to be the most painful one. But it could be the most freeing, getting reality out in the open so you can then know what to do next.

You had mentioned previously your DH's marital track record. I think there is good reason for that. He's focused solely on himself and his own needs; if he has ever heard the word "compromise" he does not know what it means.

... it certainly helped me to get back in touch with the person I enjoy being.  It even made the last 7mos of cohabitating with my XW far better than the previous year or so had been.

When one spouse won't work the counseling process, it is infuriating to the other spouse and in may ways probably to the therapist too.  When my XW stood up and walked out of the last session she ever attended I kept seeing the therapist for another few months.  When the X walked out there was a palpable decompression in the therapy dynamic and I could see a physical change come over the Doc. 

My primary goal for counseling was to address the nearly complete lack of intimacy in that marriage.  Unbeknownst to me at the time my XW was shopping the booty all over town for nearly our whole marriage and there was little to ZERO intimacy within our marriage.  Our therapist assured me that we would get to the intimacy topic but we had to do some other work first.  So we spent months discussing me and my relationship with my family, my XW and her relationship with her family. I even had a session with the therapist and my family and my XW had the same with her family and the therapist. 

After all of that the day came in session when the therapist announced that we would not start working on the intimacy issues.  At that moment my XW stood up and pronounced "I don't have any problems with sex!" and walked out. Never to return to counseling.

I kept working with the therapist until she finally just put it bluntly that I was fine and no longer needed  her services.  She informed me that I was welcome to keep scheduling sessions but that she had no idea that when I walked into her office nearly 9mos earlier that there was a dynamic, energetic and passionate young man with a "childlike zest for life" under my very hurt facade.

I have made it a point to not lose touch with that guy since.  I send a check in to her practice website periodically just to say hello and thank her for her help at that challenging point in my life.

So, do what  you need to do to be okay and don't keep undermining you own efforts to heal.   Take care of you and when  you are ready... move on to the next phase of your life's adventure.

Fairyo, I am glad you have turned a corner and realized what lies before you is better than what lies behind.  That includes your so-called husband.

I am in the same demographic you are, and let me tell you that my "give-a-crap" meter at this age is spring-loaded.   I am well aware that the clock is ticking and I won't waste any time jettisoning people who are themselves a waste of my time.   

If my SO ever came to me and said he didn't love me,  didn't care about my happiness/needs, and wanted to be alone I'd be out of here so fast his head would spin.  My goodness, you would have to handcuff me to get me to STAY any length of time beyond what was absolutely necessary!    In your case, don't wait for HIM to make the first move - you must do so.  

I think you have your head on solid and know what you need to do.  Forget the counseling, IMO.  It is impossible to change people at this stage of life.  This is not some young guy who still needs to figure out how relationships work.  He knows better. 

By nature I am not a person who is self-absorbed and I have always tended to care more about others.  But I'm beginning to see that in this phase of life it is an imperative that my thinking must shift.   I'm not talking about selfishness but self-care.  

Jump into the refreshing pool of loving yourself first   Others who really love you will already be there ready to ride the waves with you.

"She also said that they had lots of leaflets about 'blended families' but these wouldn't be any good because our kids are adults!" 

Maybe part of the problem is that the marital relationship w/fairyo is being addressed but not the enmeshement with mini wife OSD.  The *children* and their refusal to blend with you on any level are a huge part of the problem between you and your husband. He wants to blame you for all the problems but refuses to see that it's his dysfunctional relationship w/his kids that is destroying the marriage.  This dynamic wouldn't work with any mentally healthy woman so most of the issue lies with his behavior.  

I wouldn't say you are wasting your time but rather learning valuable lessons about yourself, the ostrich and this dynamic.  Maybe it'll help, perhaps he'll see some tiny sliver of light. Who knows, but it will be good for you to get validation that you are not crazy.  

My first marriage went through several bouts of counseling that xH begrudgingly went to because his mother was paying for it.  The counselfing didn't save our relationship but a big part of it was because xH didn't want to change. It was hard going through the process of counseling but for me getting everything out in the open helped me be bolder and communicate my needs rather than clam up  

I say stick with it for a little longer, if not for the marriage do it for you.  See the counselor alone if you need to.  

Fairyo, I have followed your posts.  If you read my previous posts 4 years back; I went thru a similar situation.  I finally quit playing the games and made a life for myself.  

The bottom line:  I set boundaries for myself.  I did not want a divorce, because I was in my late 60's, we had 35 years invested in our marriage, plus property, no debt, etc.   I did not want to start over at my age; it was not about money or my income, I have a nice retirement income.  It was about DH thinking only about himself. 

I gave DH the open door, but he was to split everything with me and provide me with a home equal to what we were living in.  He wanted to stay in our home, no problem.  I made an appointment with a Realtor and was insisting that he spend our savings to buy a nice home for me.  Then I would be out of his hair.  I was keeping my nice vehicle, the dogs, etc.  He told a friend "I can't afford a divorce".  He didn't want to turn loose of our money, his choice.  

It was all over SD57.  I have put my foot down where SD is concerned.  We have kept our marriage in tact, our assets in tact, as well as building our totally different relationship.  It is civil and peaceful.  I am totally disengaged from his grown kids, I am civil to them, I have hobbies, friends, and my life back, with or without DH; again this is his choice; I will never back track on my boundaries and disengagement. 

Since all of this, 2 months ago DH's health became very bad.  His kids don't come around and guess who is taking total care of him.  He is wheelchair bound and I am willing to take care of him till death do us part.

It is very difficult at times, but I am at peace and we have been married 38 years now and it is better, along with a relationship I would not have ever thought would happen.  We are different people and have had many high hurdles in 38 years.  It can improve, but you need to think deeply about what you want it to be and what you are willing to accept.  Our marriage is mature now and we both have accepted the fact that we made the right decision for our Senior years.

If I had been younger, it would have been down the road for me, never looking back.  But I put myself first for a change and I do not regret my decision in my situation. 

I am sorry you are going thru this.  I totally understand your feelings of despair.

When DH and I met; we lived out of the back of his pickup; we had nothing.  38 years, we worked hard to obtain our nice lifestyle.  I understand what you are venting here, I get it.  I have followed your post and truly believe there are different issues here, which I and my DH have also experienced.  Turning 60 nor turning 70 never bothered me.  Like my DH always stated "it's better than the alternative".  Lol...

What I read between the lines with your posts, retirement, turning 60, and boredom is an issue with your DH.  It is a big change in your lives and he is realizing he is not longer a young man, making a difference at work.  My DH has had health issues for 35 years.  I had a career during these years, made friends, cared for him, we lost my bio sons during this time in an accident; we overcome all these hurdles, plus more.  

I have never lived in the past.  We had years of fun and laughter, but bad health, death, and my toxic SD57 has changed all that.  All those obstacles have only made me stronger and more independent.  

What I am saying here, it's how your thought process works.  Fairyo, make yourself a life!  Seriously, don't try to fix your DH and his life.  The best way you can fix your marriage (if you want to) is to move forward. 

Instead of going on and on, I'm going to use an example of what I do on a daily basis:  I decide to go for an errand, I asked DH "do you want to ride along", he usually answers "no, I'm not up to it", my reply "Ok, I'll be back".  I go out and get in the vehicle, run my errands, do a bit of shopping, and sometimes even stop for a Starbucks (I love my time away).  I say nothing to him about his decision to stay home, I say nothing to him about my trip, I just continue to move forward, every minute of every day.  His problem, not mine.  If he decides to go, I am more than willing for his presence.  I can not make him a person, he is not. 

The door is open if he doesn't like it, he knows this.  He has no place to go.  His daughter won't even take care of him.  He wants to stay here, be pitiful, and try to guilt me.  Doesn't work.  I have friends, hobbies, and my own life.  He is welcome to join me any time, he knows that.  

The past 2 years, my DH has changed.  Guess who is calling me now, giving me hugs, and spending time with me on the patio; because I stopped cowering to him and jumping at every whim.  My husband is wheelchair bound; I do everything he needs, but not everything he wants. 

You stay here and vent, vent, vent; but I suggest that you let him do it his way and don't even insist that he go to a counselor, if you feel it's only agitating him.  Begin by giving yourself a purpose in life; my guess is, your DH will come around, if he thinks you are enjoying life and he's not included.  I might be wrong, but I believe Seniors have this change in their lives often; it's like they have close times, but mostly separate times.  We enjoy our time together, but equally enjoy our private time.   

Keep us posted and hang in there.  (((hugs)))  You make me feel better, with your posts, as others do here.  I know I am not alone on this voyage.  

If he wants to live without you then start as you mean to gone on, stop looking after him, no more cooking, cleaning and doing his washing.

I would pay your half the bills house, electric ect.  But stop shopping and cooking for him.  You both are now responsible for buying and cooking for yourself.  

As he not going to know what it is like to live without you while you still looking after him.

Of course you should not ignore it.  I have been married 38 years and I took extreme measurers to save my marriage.  It is so difficult where you are right now.  I fully understand it Fairyo.  I didn't intend to advise you, just letting you know how I handled my situation.  We all here know, each of us has our individual circumstances.  

I feel very badly for you.  Four years ago I hurt so badly with our separation, DH not apologizing, and all the betrayal I had discovered between DH and SD57.  I do understand your hurt and frustration with your DH's attitude about wanting to leave, but not doing it.  That is very unfair to you.   I will never forget the hurt and betrayal and it has changed our marriage totally.  

Just take care of yourself and plan ahead for your financial security.  I did this and it helps.  It doesn't take away the hurt, but it makes it a bit easier.  

Keep us posted and I do hope things can slow down for you and it works itself out.  These hurdles are no fun and should never happen to a marriage.  We're all here for you.  ((hugs))