Adult stepdaughter cannot grow up and stop asking for $$$$
My stepdaugher is 23 and studying abroad in Paris. She completely wasted her time and our money on college in the states to the tune of $75K, and walked away with nothing. Now she is in Paris at a fashion school for 3 years, still trying to "launch" and become a productive responsible adult. My DH and I did not support her taking off to Paris, and encouraged her to finish college in the states.
Her biomom is unable to give her daughter any life lessons, and only coddles her every whim. We explained if she went to Paris, she's on her own for room and board, and monthly expenses. Beyond tuition, we were not contributing to this whim, and once her 529 college savings plan was depleted, so was our financial support. She was told, do not ask us for money since you know where we stand. To our knowledge, she is being supported while in Paris by her mother, grandmother and greatgrandmother.
Since January, she has asked my DH periodically for $150-200 and her reasons for the need of the money as at best sketchy. Especially, when all I see is her "black out partying" in the bars on Instagram. Yesterday, my DH says to me..."I need you to put $150.00 into (stepdaughters) account tomorrow. I respond, "why now?" He says, "because she asked if I could send her $200 because she has some friends visiting this week and wants to be able to go out do things while they are there." "Then, he says...I get it, I don't blame her and she doesn't ask us for money often."
I respond with, oh really..well I beg to differ. She has asked for money 3 times since January and you cave in everytime. What message do you think you're sending her other than "if I ask Dad, he will send me money?" He gets all defensive and flustered because I know he's uncomfortable. I then ask him, "why hasn't she found a job yet?" I can tell you if I had no money to do anything, I would be either living within my means, or find a job to fund my incidentals. This just really unnerves me, and it's not about the money but the principal and the fact that she is very good a using "guilt" as a manipulation to get what she wants.
What are your thoughts about this?
She keeps asking for money
She keeps asking for money because she keeps getting it. My OSD was still spending over her credit card limit at 27 and crying to daddy to bail her out....because he kept doing it. When he stopped giving her money, she stopped asking.
Your DH is taking the easy way out because he is uncomfortable and is afraid to say no. If he were actually being a parent, he would tell his daughter NO, she needs to make a budget, get a job and learn how to manage her own money. Tell him he is preventing his DD from growing up and becoming self-sufficient. If he continues to give her money, make sure all of your finances are separate.
Why do YOU have to put money
Why do YOU have to put money into her account?? If your DH wants to fund his spoiled Paris princess, then HE can take care of it. And if you have a joint account, well... I'd switch to separate accounts. Then as long as your DH is paying his share of your household bills, let him throw away his money on SD. Ish.
Agree with Sacrificiallamb and Aniki
Yes. Split the finances now if you can. Is your SD an only child? It really sounds like it - my SD is and she has always been obnoxious and entitled. For years into our marriage DH would place money into adult SD's checking account every month from our joint checking account - and she was making more than he was. The fact that I was paying for part of this had no effect on the way I was treated by SD. In fact, I supported DH while he was paying for college for SD. I never received any appreciation for it.
When I split the finances, and we both contributed equal funds to a joint checking account which is used for household expenses only, DH's generous nature suddenly changed. Odd how that happens isn't it?
The thing I failed to do in time was to insist DH put money into a retirement fund. Now he lives off of Social Security. If anything catastrophic came up I don't know if he would have the funds to take care of it. And I am positive SD would not contribute to his existence if he needed it. Your DH has to be in his 40's at the very least so there is no time - or money to waste.
Like you, I have an SD23.
Like you, I have an SD23. She did a first degree in one subject, at a cost of £60k to my DH, she did not take out a student loan. She then decided she wanted to do a 20 week course in another subject - DH did not finance this, but lent her living expenses. She now wants to do a full degree in the 2nd subject. I have left DH in no doubt as to my views on this, and he will not be lending nor giving her any more money. She just wants to be a perpetual student, bankrolled by someone else.
My view is that you should certainly not contribute any more of your own money, and be clear with DH about what your views are as to any more finance being given to her by him.
Let me clarify one thing to
Let me clarify one thing to all who have replied. Our household has "1 shared account." There is no "hers & mine," we do not seperate our money because it makes no sense to do that when you are a married couple. It creates a sense of distrust that we don't wish to bring to the marital table. We both have complete access to the joint account, he simply asked me to make the transaction, because he would not have the time to do so.
Some have separate accounts
Some have separate accounts because their other halves will spend waaaaaay too much money on the skids - and they themselves end up in a financial hole.
Your SD asks for money because your DH is willing to supply it.
It is your choice to separate
It is your choice to separate the finances or not. Have to say though that there is a heck of a lot more financial trust in my marriage than there used to be when expenses for SD was coming out of my pocket. Guess it depends on your relationship with SD. If my SD had practiced mutual respect with me I would have had no problem giving money to her.
Since you want to continue with one shared account, perhaps you and your DH could make an agreement on financial limits for SD. But you wouldn't have posted if this did not bother you so maybe the answer is as notarelative suggested - take an equal amount of money and put in it a private account. Maybe save up for a vacation you both would enjoy.
Why hadn't she found a job
Can she work in France on the type of visa she has? I'm not a visa work expert, but I believe that your ability to work depends on the type of visa you have.
Dad needs to keep a tally of the amounts he is sending. A hundred here, a couple of hundred there, and pretty soon it's a few thousand total. Three years of this can add up.
If both of you are ok with doing it, no problem. I wouldn't be fine with it. I'd think about withdrawing an equal amount and putting it in an account DH did not have access to.
You said "There is no "hers &
You said "There is no "hers & mine," we do not seperate our money because it makes no sense to do that when you are a married couple. "
Fair enough if that is your view, but I totally disagree that it makes no sense. I think it is eminently sensible.
We cut my kid off at 18.
We cut my kid off at 18. Granted, he enlisted in teh USAF and has been doing great for the past 8 years. But... we have not supported him at all since then. And he would not expect us to.
To get him to launch we worked his ass off until he did launch. He was our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch, sous chef, maid, laundry service, lawn service, etc, etc, etc....... He learned to suffer or launch.
Time to create a burning platform and cut this kid off... cold turkey. Not that $75K is cold turkey by any means.
Nobody is living off of me
Nobody is living off of me without my consent. Neither DH nor I earn any money outside of social security as we are retired. I do have substantial IRA assets. DH has none. I do not mind sharing with DH but SS doesn’t get one penny of my money.
DH’s lack of retirement assets does not have to do with SS. It has to do with ex #2 being a reprehensible person and DH being too trusting.