Major anxiety around future SD's and it's only getting worse!
I hope someone can help me. I have been dating my fiance for nearly two years -- have been engaged for nearly one year. When I first started spending time around his three kids (which was not a lot at all), I was fine and felt at ease. Everyone got along anytime I was around and there were no issues. I have always made sure his time with his kids is his #1 priority and have made a point to not come around very often so they know I am in no way a threat to their relationship or trying to replace anyone.
Fast forward to last summer (about a year of dating) when the clinginess/inappropriate physical contact from future SD14 became very apparent on a vacation (I guess I had not seen it before) and continued to escalate (happening multiple times a day) until about 2 months ago when my fiance put a stop to it after it got out of hand at a family function(you can refer to my other post if it helps -- provides details). Until last week, I had only seen her once since the big episode that prompted him to sit her down. To be fair, a lot of it was my schedule with work and school, but I just could not be around it because I was so anxious that the contact was going to happen again. Since my fiance has said the inappropriate physical contact on her part has nearly come to an end, I decided to come around last week as I truly miss being around his kids. I had little to no anxiety about seeing them last week, and was really optimistic. However, within 3 minutes of being around all of them, there was a minor incident of the contact which sent me into a tailspin as soon as I left. The anxiety hit an all time high as I drove home.
I want to be around his kids; I truly like them and enjoy their company. Is it normal to have such a high level of anxiety when I am going to be around them, particularly the one who is ultra-clingy? Will it fade in time? I feel like I almost have PTSD from all of the times when it happened and am just bracing for the next occurence. My mind races for days when I know I am going to see them and my body goes in to "fight or flight" mode when I get there. Obviously this situation has taken a toll on my fiance and I. After last week, I am a wreck and am already dreading seeing her again. Feeling that way makes me sad because I truly like her as a person, I just don't like that particular behavior. My fiance said he is committed to continuing to work on the behavior (I believe him as he thought it was excessive too), and I am thankful for that. I have sought counseling which was helpful but can no longer attend for insurance reasons. Will this anxiety ever end? Will I always live in fear that it will happen again? Is it normal to have these PTSD type feelings when I have to see the future SD? I want to overcome them and move forward. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I have such guilt over feeling this way.
Thank you for listening.
PTSD-type feelings are very
PTSD-type feelings are very normal. My DH had an inappropriate online emotional affair, and my therapist and I talked about PTSD a lot, because I would get that fight or flight response every time I saw DH on the computer or his stupid phone. What worked for me wsa that DH was willing to change his behavior, we could talk about it, and he was consistent in keeping his promises to me. .
Your situation is different in that it involves the behavior of SD, not your SO. But if you can rely on your SO to correct her behavior every time, swiftly and firmly, when it happens, maybe you can slowly start to trust the situation again. But he can't allow it and only correct it when he sees that you are upset. He must do it every single time whether you are there or not. Will he do that?
YOU should not feel guilty for your strong emotions. SD's behavior is NOT ok. Trying to "accept" it or "make it ok" is wrong.
My apologies for repeating a term my counselor used -- PTSD
I just wanted to take a moment to apologize for repeating terminology my counselor used that may come across as insensitive, offensive, etc. When trying to help me articulate how I was feeling, she used the term PTSD. I apologize for repeating that particular term on this forum; it would never be my intention to offend anyone. I was simply using our conversation as a means to help everyone understand where I was at mentally since I was asking for help. Thank you for understanding.
I’m going to ask a delicate
I’m going to ask a delicate question. We’re you molested or touched inappropriately?
I understand feeling uncomfortable and completely turned off by seeing your lover being clung to and touched in overtly affectionate ways by his daughter. I’m not sure I understand why it causes so much anxiety for you.
I’m not questioning why it causes anxiety or saying that it shouldn’t. I’m just wondering what the underlying reason is for it.
It seems to be a trigger for you, a big one and I’m wondering if there’s more to it than just his daughter being very clingy and touchy feely.
I have not been touched
I have not been touched inappropriately, abused, or anything of the like but I appreciate the concern. That is one of the first questions a counselor will ask and it simply does not apply here.
I think someone has to be in the shoes of witnessing inappropriate behavior to understand the physical response it can cause, particularly in a mom. The anxiety comes from wondering when it is going to happen again next; it is a feeling that really cannot be explained.
I’m glad to hear that. I know
I’m glad to hear that. I know that for anyone who has been molested it is a trigger and the feelings hit like a ton of bricks.
My experience
In my experience of trying to curb the mini wife behaviour it only seems to get worse. My DH admitted that he hadn't really been aware of it until I pointed out certain actions of SD. 'Oh I thought was just her'. I left him to observe her for a while and come to his own conclusion. His eyes were then truly opened.
She used to try to totally push me out. She expected to be walking down the road at his side instead of me, pushing the shopping cart and filling it with her choices instead of me 'papa, shall we have xxx for dinner'? Whilst completely ignoring me. The last time she did that it started immediately we walked into the supermarket, I turned on my heel and walked straight back out and sat in the car. DH came out immediately. Finally he had began to see. This is only a tiny portion of her mini wife behaviours.
The efforts to stop the mini wife lead to world war 3 though of course and BM and her friends got involved. It all got very nasty as SD was playing the victime, lying and twisting events. I was no match for her evil toxic mind.
I think your feelings and subconcious are trying to tell you something. Might be time to listen to it.
My approach
I think you need to reclaim the relationship or show FianceMan how sad and lonely his life will be without you. Time to get strong and have a battle plan. Consider the worse thing possible. FianceMan shows you the door. That is it. No losee of life or property. Just feeling crappy and sad for a while.
My plan will be something like this. The first time SD shows her clinginess that is unneccessary (gabbing Dads hand to stop him walking in front of a bus doesn't count) I would sit there and start taking photos. Then post them of FB tagging him saying Fiancees Not Allowed. Who cares if he blows up at you. He is ALLOWING this behaviour. Teaching her how not to behave with him should be a short sharp lesson and reminding her one day she may have a boyfriend and Dad may get a little possessive and never let her date or see another guy.
If that doesn't work I would pack up and walk away. As awesome as any man is, without his boundaries concreted into his life he is nt worth it. I do not play 2nd fiddle to a child. Ever.
You have a miniwife on your
You have a miniwife on your hands, as you probably know. My SD14 is a winiwife too, but only in the same way BM was a wife. She wants to be pampered, be in total control at all times, and be the center of attention, constantly. She's not affectionate, but she throws fits nonstop, she's jealous and covertly aggressive. I am from a VERY affectionate family. Reasonable affection I could handle, but the tantrums I cannot. And yes, I have PTSD from all the drama she has caused. It's the drama, I think. They disrupt your life.
14 is a tough age... I
14 is a tough age... I remember when I was dating my DH that at various times his girls (5 and 9 when we started dating) would try the sit between us move.. I would assert my place and reinforce their place as the child. I would jokingly say things like.. Nope.. you are a small person.. small people sit over there. or.. "my seat.. move" I didn't yell.. just made it clear that I was going to be sitting next to their dad and that they could sit elsewhere.. even on the other side of him.. but I got the favored spot.
Fortunately, neither of them were overboard about it. They weren't really mini-wives.. more jealous kids instead.
I will say that 14 is a hard age to deal with when they are girls. They are overly dramatic and have so much going on mentally that they are hard to be around even in the best of situations.
The good thing is your fiance realizes it's not appropriate and has set her back before and hopefully will continue to reinforce the father daughter dynamic and not let her gain equal footing as an adult in the home.
Fortunately there does not seem to be the predominance of
MiniHusband syndrome so that is something that I avoided in my StepDad life.
However, I did create a bit of a monster on opening doors for the ladies in our lives. SS would rush to open doors for his mom, my mom, his aunt (my SIL) and his lone Rag's clan female cousin. I got bowled over a few times and had to pull him aside and calm him down a bit.
Also when he was fairly young he had a competitive thing in his head that mandated that he be the first one through a door. I got tired of getting bowled over or shoved out of the way and would just run him into the door frame when he failed to take my counseling on that topic into practice. After a couple of bruises... he gained clarity and calmed down on that behavior. That kid had the worst depth perception and spacial judgment with nearly zero ability to judge angles, velocity, and available time to scoot through a gap. He still does. It scares the crap out of me to ride with him when he is driving.
Nothing compared to dealing with the MWs though.
My hat is off to you ladies for the insane level of Skid BS you have to deal with as StepMoms. It seems that StepDads generally have it relatively easy in comparison. Not a universal truth... but ... a fairly sound generalization I think. There are some StepDads who seem to be constantly in the meat grinder with their Skids though.
This would drive me NUTS. I
This would drive me NUTS. I too get crazy anxiety when I think about not just the mini-wife behavior, but all of the terrible behavior, and I know each time my FH is not going to address it. He's not going to put her in her place and tell her to stop, he's not going to see her manipulative behavior, and he's not going to be proactive about correcting her. Sometimes he flat out doesn't see it, but most of the time he's just not paying attention. It's hard to point it out with people around, so instead it bothers me the whole time, and we talk about it afterwards while I'm already upset.
My FSD7 is much younger than yours, but I live in constant fear of what she will become if this isn't corrected. I have informed my FH that is a definite possibility that I will have to refuse to live with her if it gets out of hand. I'm secretly hoping she decides to live with her mother full time...which makes me feel like a real jerk for having these thoughts.
I feel for you though. I'm new to this site, but I find it an incredible resource to sort out my feelings. Maybe try reading up on here more, or trying to understand what is happening mentally that is causing you such road blocks. I know the word disengage is thrown around a lot, maybe look into that? Don't give up, take back your place, and you may have to be your own advocate. Best of luck!!!
It sounds like SD is trying
It sounds like SD is trying to be THE WOMAN in her dads life so that he doesn't need you around. It's normal for kids to do weird stuff for attention and it will keep getting repeated as long as fiance allows or even subtly encourages it. He needs to put an abrupt stop to it and have a talk w/his daughter about appropriate boundaries. He's the parent she is the child, you are the romantic adult partner, she is the child. If he's committed to working on her behavior that's a good thing and should be encouraged but if you're over and the behavior is unchecked that's your cue to leave.
About the anxiety, I can relate. I was always on eggshells about ss32's behavior. When would he randomly show up and demand to be taken in? When would his next outburst be? How can I avoid this and where can I hide? Finally I 99% disengaged from him and set boundaries w/DH with the help of a counselor. Your situation is different since the child is a minor and is around much more but the concept is the same, boundaries around what is acceptable behavior for you.