Hi all, 

I’m a new one to your forums. *mosking* I can honestly say I’m so happy to find a forum for step parents to ask for opinions and to lend a listening and totally understanding ear!  

I have been a step mum now for almost three years. Probably three years now actually. My SD is turning 8 in three weeks. I can’t believe how time has flown. For the most part it’s been an enjoyable experience. Lately it hasn’t been as enjoyable as I’m sensing myself being a bit disrespected as she is getting older and she is very impressionable by anything her mum says to her. 

I have a question. In my head the answer is no but I want to know what you guys think of my actions and whether I was doing the right thing or not. 

Heres the situation. 

For my SD’s 8th birthday we have planned for the last six months or so to take her to Sydney for four days. She has never been on a plane but she adores staying in a hotel and has always wanted to go to Sydney (even when I first met her she told me she was born in Sydney *mosking* I was fully aware she was born in our local hospital, but let her get away with it)

Anyway back to the story. Once we 100% confirmed we were taking her she came home from Mums one day to say how “mum is jealous and really wants to come because she’s never been on a plane before either” (Take note: Her mother earns more than both of us and is 28 so nothing is really stopping her from buying a ticket and flying somewhere) to which my lovely Fiancé said “Well, if she pays her own way she can come”. I know he didn’t mean it-he never in his wildest imagination dreamt that his ex would take this as an open invitation to come along with us. We barely speak unless it’s her complaining about something we’d said or done, so we never expected her to then message me and say “I hear I can come along”

of course she never messaged him. It was always me. I didn’t know what to say at first so I said, well HE did say it was ok. 

Next thing you knew the mum was telling me she would accept the invite. But for the next month or so she was also on the fence the whole time, saying how she didn’t want to wreck it for my fiancé (nothing about me) etc. I did what anyone who is sick of someone undecided would do- I told her to just message her ex and ask him for an answer instead of beating around the bush waiting for me to do it for her. She kept saying she would etc. 

Time flew: I had to start booking flights and the hotel. There’s a big game on in Sydney the weekend we are going so prices were climbing. I told her via messager last Monday: I am booking the flights and hotel by the end of the week and need you to confirm with J (fiancé) that you are coming or not by Friday. To which she told me yes yes I’ll let you know. I went out of my way to remind her again on Wednesday and then again on Friday. He heard nothing from her even on Friday. 

I waited Saturday. We had my Mother in Laws birthday dinner to go to Saturday night so we picked my SD up from her mums before going. J and his ex were standing less than a metre away from each other waiting for my SD to come out of the house for a good ten minutes. I waited in the car, expecting her to confirm with him. Nothing.

Sunday night came and I just said to him, I’ve waited all week. I told her Friday I wanted to know by. He told me to just book the flights and hotel so I did. 

Monday around lunch time she messaged him. Then messaged me to let me know she messaged him. I was fuming. I calmly said to her, I’m sorry, I told you last Monday I needed to know by last Friday. I waited till Sunday night and had heard nothing so I’ve booked the tickets. It’s too late to let me know now. 

She went off at me, telling me she had told me she wanted to come etc and that she couldn’t deal with this and how she was sick Saturday etc and didn’t want to bother my fiancé the other times I’d reminded her. But that I ultimately was in the wrong because “she had told me she wanted to come and I was the one who booked the hotel and flights without her”. 

First of, did I do the right thing?

Second: Is it even normal for an ex to come on a four day trip with her ex and his new partner and their kid?

Not to mention her attitude afterwards towards my fiancé made me even angrier as we were having my SD for the Sunday through to Thursday (today) and she demanded on Monday when I told her I’d booked already that he take her daughter back to her house that night so we haven’t had her all week when we’re meant to. I’m just mentally not very happy with how all of this went down. She treated J like absolute crap when she didn’t get her way and didn’t really show me much respect when I had given her a deadline of when I needed to know by and reminded her almost every day only to let me know three days after the deadline had passed. 

Sorry its such a long rant and story!