"The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries were the ones who benefitted from you having none."

That's one of my favorite quotes.  And it certainly applies here.

It is normal and expected that when you retire you have less money to spend. Unfortunately it looks like both some of his children and your children have become entitled into expecting certain things are going to be given to them.

As far as what should you do now? Absolutely nothing. Stick to your guns about no presents, and make sure you don't get set up to pay an entire dinner bill again.  You will see the people who truly value for you and your company versus the ones who just want a handout. 

We are in an age of "social media" (which should be called "Anti-social media" because where else can you block/unfriend/unfollow a person you are "FRIENDS" with?) and everyone LOVES SHOWING THE WORLD what they're doing, trips they're taking, stuff they're buying etc. I feel that is the downfall to our society, largely because it's used to weaponize people against each other so often. I know you didn't mention social media, however, the younger generation lives by it. It's a constant brag fest. Also, the weddings/childrens' birthdays and any other event have been so sensationalized because of it.

Getting to your incident, I would simply let them know you all carried the meal last year, and nobody even offered to assist with the bill. If you think about it, with interest, it may be almost twice the initial cost for the meal (if paid with a credit card) and for all of those gifts. What part of "We can't afford it" do they not get? In all truthfulness, we all have more than we need or will ever use, and we are all adults. The SD's snarky remark says everything  you need to know about her. Did you tell DH? If so, what was his response?

Despite your well worded, kind message, it does sound like you're being bullied, and a word to the wise, you MUST NIP IT IN THE BUD NOW! There are women on here who put up with this kind of garbage for years, and even decades! You simply cannot afford THAT. Your marriage will fall apart if you do not stand with DH, and he with you on this by addressing it and setting clear, concise boundaries with their behaviors.

My sibilings and I have done no presents for the last 4-5 years. It has been great to take off that pressure! We would much rather grab a bottle of champange and OJ and do a Chirstmas morning toast that deal with gifts! 

There is no need for crazy Christmas gifts. There is no need for you to stress about retirement and going above your means for adults. Just let them pout over it. 

The only other option would be to do a gift limit. $20 (or whatever you are comfortable with) as a token gift. Fuzzy slippers, Box of candy, etc.

I replied on your blog, so the condensed version of my thoughts are:

- Don't pay for something you can't afford and then hold it over the kids' heads when they don't know any different. If my parents pay for my dinner, I assume that they can afford it, and yes, we as siblings would make jokes amongst ourselves about the fact that we knew they would pay. Not because we are ungrateful, but because we are uncomfortable being treated to something extravagant.

- The kids are used to big, drawn-out Christmases. You saying no gifts was fine, but you also said that getting together is a "hassle" so not to worry about it. It sounds like you are going from big events to none at all, equating those events to "hassles". That hurts.

- And you did this all via one big text, which is cold and impersonal. If my parents were to cancel Christmas, I would hope for a phone call explaining why, not a group text. It then makes me think my parents are mad at me, or that drama is about to start. I have enough drama in my life, and if I got that definitive of a text, I'd just check out of that relationship for a while.

- You made a decision about family Christmas without talking to the family. That doesn't go over well in most families.

Listen, you're not wrong about not wanting to go into debt. You're not wrong that the kids shouldn't have made what sounded like bratty comments. You're not wrong for letting everyone know the same thing.

It's the delivery that was the major problem. You and your DH had other issues that needed to be discussed with some of the kids, like the bratty comments. Instead of discussing the issues and chatting about possible solutions, or allowing the kids to apologize and make it up to you, you cancelled family Christmas. Or, that's what you seemingly did. Your kids are delivering the same cols treatment they likely feel like they just received.

There is nothing wrong with what you are doing.  Just ignore the rude ones.  Some people never grow up and just stay selfish jerks forever.  You have to watch out for you.  If they can't be supportive and act like adults who understand, then so be it.

Historically we have purchased what we want to give to others.  We don't consider what they want or need.  We get what we want them to have.

If.... we are going to be together with them over the holidays.  With my family we don't do gifts if we are not together. We send a card, we call on the day, and most other days for that matter.  When we are together it is game on. Usually a few gag gifts, stocking stuffers and a significant gift.  We have a great time.

We do send gifts to my IL clan each year.  The per person budget is far less  since we pretty much don't set a budget for each other or with my family. Due to the tight financial situation within each of my IL clan families they usually want gift cards.  We do that if we don't have something specific we want to get for someone.

For quite some time there have been no specific complaints about our gift giving.  My MIL complained during one of the early Christmases after we married.  My bride bought her a high end coffee maker, a selection of gourmet coffees, and a custom mug.  When we called that evening my MIL went on a bitch fest about why would she get that when she knows MIL drinks Folgers instant.  My bride was crushed.  She then started second guessing herself on every gift.  It took me years to get her to adopt the "F-em they will get what I want them to have." model and quit reacting to their toothless redneck toxic crap.

On an interesting historical note.... every time she visits her parents (now her mom since FIL passed in June) she grumbles about the cheap coffee maker in the kitchen after she bought them the high end one.  My bride will launch a dig at her mom "So what happened to Folgers instant?".  It goes right over my MIL's head.  She responds with "Oh, I drink real coffee now." A few years ago my wife asked where the Krupp coffee maker she bought MIL for Christmas was.  MIL had a deer in the headlights look and just shrugged.

So, don't give a crap about what ungrateful people think.  Do what works for you.

I also responded on you other blog. 

 I really see nothing wrong with your message.  Maybe should have come from DH but you clearly state it is because you guys can’t afford it and you clearly state you would love to see them soon.  They all sound like spoilt little turds.  Your DD included. 

 What I would suggest is your DH send out a message to his kids and you send a message to your kids.  His should start off as “I am sorry if you guys got offended at the message that biteback AND I sent out about Christmas.  We just cannot afford large Christmas’s anymore.  We are not happy about it at all but it is what it is.  I had hoped that everyone would understand that our finances have changed and it would put us in a greater bind to buy so many presents at one time.  Apparently that is not what happened and I am disgusted about it.  Hopefully we can move past this and still have a Christmas celebration that will include food, family and fun.”  Or something along those lines.

They should be ashamed of themselves.  I can’t imagine my reaction if my parents told me that they were cutting back due to finances.  I would be offering anything I have to them, not getting pissed that they can’t spoil me any longer.  And I am pretty surprised at the ones here that said they would get mad in the same situation.  Just wow at the entitlement of people these days.     

It’s the fact that the family wasn’t given the chance to work together to reach a happy compromise.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 See…I just don’t see why there has to be a compromise about the OP and her DHs money and the skids.  It is not the skids money.  It is OPs.  They can’t afford it.

 It sounds like the only tradition that was thwarted was the gift giving.  They don’t all sound very close.  Some of them did not even get together for Christmas until April. 

and did not asked before about if they could afford to chip in.  You pay for dinner. If you could not afford it then. Cheaper place to eat, or don’t go out.  Christmas present for GK only, nothing wrong with that. and you don’t have to spend hundreds on each kid.  Maybe a $50 gift card to a restaurant for adult couples.  Only do what you can afford 

Exactly Harry!!!!

Though I am not usually one to extrapolate either forward of historically on posts, the OP very likely has history with these Skids and their POS husbands that builds up to the current situations.  As past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior this current behavior was likely predicated and predicted by the historical behavior of the Step Spawn and their characterless husbands.

Regardless of who invites who to go out to dinner my parents always attempt to pay and we never let them pick up the entire check.  Usually we split it equally between the number of families present.  That usually lets dad pay for more than what he and mom spend but lets us (my brother and or I) keep them from paying it all.  They feel good because they are helping. 

This is what people of character do.  These toxic StepSpawnHusbands are POS people.  As proven by their usual behavior as it came out of their own mouths.   They are both a POS and they should both have their noses rubbed in their stench.

If they were my daughers' DH's I would be grabbing them by the scruff of their POS necks and rubbing their noses in their characterless shit each and every opportunity I had. Figuratively of course.   The only way my daughters would have married such POS assholes would be if they eloped because not one penny of my resources would have gone to a wedding.

But maybe that is just me.

Maybe there is a generational theme here, where the millenials all think that the poor adult children were taken advantage of and coerced, while dad and SM were the ones really being rude for not fawning/ spending all over 'em.  Wouldn't doubt it.  Or, at the very least, the poor whittle adult children should have been invited to a family meeting so dad could have broken it to them more slowly that the bigs bucks weren't going to be coming any more.  That way, the adult children at least would have more time to deal with the agonizing shock of not getting such handouts any any longer.

Next time: Have a meeting and bring a box of tissues and break reality to them more slowly. 

Because this confirms what is really important to those greedy adults and it’s not the love of you and your husband. 

Other people’s traditions can go to hell when it involves MY money. 

I’d hosted Christmas for 20 years and had helped my mother host it for 25 years previously.  I decided I’d had enough and left town. I gave everyone two months notice that I would not be hosting. Too bad if they didn’t like it. 

Gifts and everything else, their rules, their procedures, and only their expectations ever honored; regardless of whomever else in the family they chose to hurt.

If that sounds like your situation, take my limited advice and stay away from every bit of it in the future, regardless of DH's desires; stay with people who respect you and genuinely care for your feelings too.