Money issue driving me crazy
Step kid is a total spoiled Ungrateful brat. We can’t go ANY place without him Whining for something and I’m NOT talking about a pack of gum. This kid can and has spend $$$$ in the dollar store. Walmart???? Step brat is not leaving till he gets the $50 LEGO set which he will never build and ONLY wants for the two little Characters in it. Step brat will go up and down the store Isles refusing to leave till he finds something. Mind you this was a trip to just grab Laundry detergent or something not a trip to buy him something. If we try and get him to move along he will either pitch a fit or just grab anything just to have something.
Now I will say I NEVER play into this BUT my husband does. Yes it’s my husband’s money BUT we are not rich(thanks to BM but that’s another story). Plus my husband hates to spend money on other things and makes me feel guilty when I want to do something. Going out to dinner only if we have a coupon. Going on vacation? No money for that unless we can drive and stay in a motel 6. Mind you I have my own money and would split Equally everything so he does not pay for me. I get so upset that we have to give up so much but when it comes to SS he gets whatever he wants whenever he wants.
It makes it worse that step brat Expects this and after a few hours of playing never touches the toy again. Or worse anything he really does like($$$$$) “Disappears” and ends up over to BM’s house where it stays. Yes we have told him the stuff BH buys STAYS at our house but Step son just sneaks it over in his pants or school bag when we are not looking. I try and go though his bag when he’s not looking to remove things but I’m not home all the time or remember to do it.
Ive Tried talking to my husband about this and he gets pissed and says let me handle this it’s my money. How do I not let this drive me crazy???
I would never again go to a
I would never again go to a store with that kid and his dad. Naughty boys/men wait in the car.
What about your money? is
What about your money? is your husband able to spend less on household bills and it causes you to have to spend your hard earned money on household things because he has blown his money on his child?
That’s another problem
If I want ANYTHING new for the house I pay for it myself as DH does not see the need. I’m talking about basic things like new towels or sheets. DH would be happy using ten year old towels from Walmart and sitting on lawn chairs in the house. So if I want to “splurge” on something like a new set of sheets it’s on me. He has no problem letting SS use the hose to “spray the sky” or the back woods for 40mins whenever the brat wants(yes we pay for our water and it’s not cheap) and waste water but god forbid he helps buy something for the house.
Eff that.
Eff that.
To be honest, you really don
To be honest, you really don't have a stepchild issue. Yes, the kid has been conditioned into getting a toy on every shopping excursion. His dad did this to him... it's not the kid's fault for WANTING something.. it's his father's for teaching him to throw fits.
That situation is just a small symptom of the larger problem where your husband truly isn't feeding into the joint cost of maintaining your home. now.. perhaps you like a better quality of sheet or whatever than he is wanting.. but he should be contributing SOMETHING towards normal replacement of wear and tear items. If you want the LLBEAN sheets at 100+ a set and he is ok with walmart at 25 a set.. he should at least be kicking in half of the 25 right?
And.. I don't know what it is with some men. My dad has cupboards full of new sheets, dish towels and washcloths etc.. but he uses these things until they are the definition of threadbare. I bought them bathroom guest hand towels 30 years ago for their home when they moved in.. he still uses them! When he was sick earlier this year, I noted that his rag in the laundry room was completely devoid of any of the nap/terry.. all that was left was the bare woven threads.... and yes.. he had brand new and unused stuff in the closet. he wears the same broken in clothing and has drawers full of new in bag shirts and other items.
It is your husband's money
It is your husband's money?
Pity this kid is so young (based on the Lego and toy wants)...
If my husband was such an open wallet with his kid, I would be encouraging the kid to ask for more expensive stuff.
Car, diamond rings, gold jewelry, imported mail order bride, any crazy thing that will break the bank - and that Daaadddddeeeee probably can not afford.
The problem is not the kid asking for stuff.
The problem is your spineless husband's inability to say no to his child.
He may be a tight fisted git with you, but an ATM with his kid, so why not play along?
The kid should start demanding designer labels like Hermes and switching to French champagne rather whatever swill is now served in your home.
Your husband is going to have enormous problems when he can no longer give this spoilt kid what he wants.
It's all fun and games until the money runs out for DH.
Well
I think when brat wants expensive things dadeee will get loans to help him...and use SMs money as he is now making her buy basics for the house. OP, you may be in danger of losing more of your income in the future as you are allowing dh to get away with not giving you household money. Maybe write out a budget with dh? Be careful...personally I wouldn't have any joint accounts with dh because it will all eventually go to the kid. As kid grows it will be cars and vacations and buy me this house daddeee even if it bankrupts you.
You have investment here to protect, please protect your money. Sure, buying sheets isnt much, but to make a point to him, I would buy them at the thrift store AND sit in crappy chairs in the house.
If hubby won't budget with you to ensure you have a life with basic things, that would show you that your hubby expects you to fund his spawn as well. Because essentially you ARE making it easy for dh to fund brat kid by buying the essential stuff. If he doesnt think things are essential like you do, you might have to accept that. Invite company over to sit in crap chairs n eat with paper plates n see if that motivates dh to get basic stuff. Maybe?
Yep. You are subsidizing this
Yep. You are subsidizing this behavior by being the sole responsible adult in the house. I would not be into that...and besides...new toys every week are such a collossal waste of money and they clutter up the home. When I was a kid, we got toys at our birthday and at Christmas and that was literally it!! Made those times really special...made us think about what we actually wanted, made us play outside and create our own "toys" more...and with 6 kids I'm sure it saved my parents' budget and sanity.
I feel for you. YSD used to always ask for something whenever we went out...and I'm a sucker for kids more than my DH, so I was likely to say yes. But you can't always say yes...even if it's just little stuff. I started telling my YSD: "I'm sorry, that's not in the budget right now."
It worked like a charm and felt different than just saying "No" all the time. Kids have no idea what a "budget" is or how money works, so it kind of sounds big and important and a little bit like magic to them. Oh...it's not in the budget? Ah. Sounds pretty serious. :)
Now...since it's your husband with the problem and not you yourself...you have a harder path ahead of you. Maybe start the discussion by talking about your long-term goals and also the high price of too much "stuff" in your life. I'd maybe look up some articles to reference...there's lots of research on this topic. Maybe look up what the typical overspending family spends every year on toys and daydream with him about what you'd do with that $$$ if you had it and didn't spend it on toys.
Hopefully you can make a difference and begin to help your DH. Bottom line...you don't want to live like that and you shouldn't have to.
Oh...PS.
Oh...PS.
You can also try talking to DH about how damaging it is to teach SS that he can fill that hole in his heart with stuff. With my YSD, when she asked and asked for something...I'd substitute an activity instead. Let's make cookies / paint our nails / wash the dog / practice driving...etc. What kids really want is your time, but they don't always know how to ask for it. DH should replace "stuff" with his time and teach his son to value relationships with people over things.
"he gets pissed and says let
"he gets pissed and says let me handle this it’s my money"
No, it is not HIS money. When the two of you married it became the household's money and marital assets. Pull any funds that you provide from the mix and when the bills start piling up tell him "it is my money. You handle the bills." And see how he likes it.
Yeah, this is a tough money
Yeah, this is a tough money issue. It's not reasonable for him to refuse to buy anything for the home or you as a couple while indulging his kid.
It sounds like you guys have separate finances, can you do a combined pool of money just for household expenses, including upkeep of the home (new stuff), etc? Will he agree to any amount of money being reasonable for home upkeep or entertainment?
Money is one of the biggest causes of divorce, and you guys are not on the same page here. At all.
I made him start a “vacation fund”
Where we each put in $50 a month towards a vacation. Yes it won’t get us to France but I’d be happy one state over in a three star hotel. You are correct ALL our bank accounts are separate. My mother raised no fool(sometimes I think I am for staying in this circus). I would be even more PISSED if we had a joint account and DH was dipping in to buy Junior the latest fad he wanted. I can totally see SS wanted a BMW for his first car and daddy paying for it. Nope my money will stay with just my name thank you.
Sounds like you need more
Sounds like you need more than just a vacation fund.
Does he put money away for retirement? Does he have an emergency fund? Does he pay his portion of the bills? I can keep going but you get the idea.
Perhaps he needs an SS fund, just to buy his kid junk. When my kids were younger they got an allowance (they did chores but maybe DH needs to just give SS money for now), they were allowed to spend it on anything they wanted. They had to budget if they wanted something big and they had to decide if they really wanted whatever it was they saw right now. It worked for us.
My advice is to stop making
My advice is to stop making it about the money. Make it about the kid's well-being.
Your husband overspends on the kid because he feels guilty about the kid. So while you're making it about simple dollars and cents, for your husband, it's a much deeper thing that probably needs therapy to be fixed.
So make it about the kid. If the kid throws a tantrum until he gets a gift every time you go to Walmart, how is that a gift? It's a hostage situation, not a gift. Who in their right mind would endorse giving a child that kind of power? The kid will get the idea that all he must do is pitch a fit to get what he wants. How will that play out in school when a teacher is trying to get them to do tasks? How will that look when the kid is 15 or 25 and he's still throwing his weight around because it always worked? And what will that do to the kid -- the poor kid will have no idea why he's constantly in trouble at school because all these years his tantrums were rewarded by his dad.
The reward system isn't exactly an unpopular or untried method to get kids (and adults!) to do what you want them to do, what they need to do. Your husband giving the kid gifts expecting nothing in return is setting up the kid to fail.
I adopted the most nervous, timid little dog. He never walked on a leash and was frightened to go out. I worked for a few weeks and soon he was going out and walking like a champion...and nipping people as they went by us! I talked to the vet about how I'd "over corrected" his fear of the leash and now had a new problem. The vet recommended a method called "Nothing in Life is Free:" I ask something minor of the dog (for example, he must sit before I put on the leash or stay before I put down his dish of food) and then the dog gets what he's waiting for. This method, the vet said, would teach the dog that I am calling the shots. The dog still wants what he wants, but by making him perform a small task before he gets it, it reinforces that I am the leader and he's the pack member. It worked like a charm. Now my dog is PERFECT
I argue the same is true with kids -- after all, what are kids but uncivilized animals we must train to make it in this civilized world?
I realize you are not the problem. It's your husband who is the problem. But you're smarter than he is, so approach this so your husband sees there's something in it for him and his kid. Maybe paint the picture of a boy who never heard "no" at home and then goes off to school and doesn't get picked first for the team at recess. What's that kid going to do? He's gonna cry like a baby in front of all the other kids. Then he's gonna have a target on his back.
Your husbands thinks he's giving his kid the world when all he's giving him is a lifetime of disappointment because the kid will never figure out how to get what he wants with work or compromise -- only with tantrums. Your husband avoiding the kid's short-term tantrum is setting that kid up to become a monster...and probably bear the ire of other kids. See if putting it in these terms helps your husband say no.