How do we tell the kids that we're together
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years. We're both men. I'm 25 and he's 40. Both working professionals. He's neurosurgeon; I'm a biomedical engineer. His last wife passed over 5 years ago and so he has his 10 year old daughter full time. I also have sole guardianship of my 9 year old sister for the past 2 years after suing my dad and stepmother for custody (that's a whole different story). .
The girls don't know about 'us' yet. We wanted to take this slow and make sure there was a chance for us possibily having a future together. The 4 of us have spent time a considerable amount of time together. The girls bonded instantly. They treat eachother like sisters. We visit eachothers houses often. The girls each their own bedroom at our respective houses. We do sleep in the same room and they're totally okay with it. They have seen us be affectionate before (cuddle, hug) ; they didn't seem to care. My boyfriend has asked his daughter what she thinks of me and she thinks I'm nice and enjoys my and my sister's company. My sister feels the same about him and his daughter.
We've taken them out of vacations and it just feels like one big family. He's talked to his daughter about how she feels about same sex relationships and she says that as long as people are happy it doesn't matter. My sister had a simiar response too.
A part of me thinks that they already know but I don't want to push it. We don't know when the right time would be to tell the girls that we're together. We want to move in together eventually. Not right away. Just before we can move ahead in our relationship, the girls have to know. We just don't know how to tell them.
I mean....the are 9 and 10
I mean....the are 9 and 10 and I assume of at least average intelligence? They have seen you cuddle and be affectionate. I assume they know you share a bed at night?
I would think they both already know. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it.
We just want to make sure
We just want to make sure that they would be okay with it. They've acted totally normal around us.
I do have a feeling that they already know. We just don't know how to bring it up without pushing them away. I feel as though we've taken the right steps. It's just about telling them.
I don't know
that this needs a formal conversation. Maybe a "Hey kiddo. You know that X and I are dating right?" and you will probably (based on your post) get a "Umm yeah." or "Duh" lol. It sounds like the girls know and it's just not a big deal to them.
That's what my boyfriend
That's what my boyfriend suggested. I guess the reason why I've been having issues with this, is because this whole being a parent vs allowing myself to have a life outside of being a parent has been sort of a struggle for me.
Thank you for this.
Kids need to see adults being
Kids need to see adults being adults so they can learn how to adult.
They need to see their parents in healthy relationships, with healthy friendships, participating in healthy activities. Kida model the behavior around them and respond much better to "do as I do" than "do as I say".
Plus, kids have to learn that they are NOT the center of the universe. They are part of someone's universe. They are likely a big part of it. But while they may be the Milky Way, there are loads of other galaxies and stars (i.e. responsibilities, dreams, wants, needs) that also belong to the universe amd deserve attention, too.
You’re overthinking this
are you happy? Would taking the next step in this relationship be a detriment to you or the child in your care?
I really don’t think there’s anything to discuss. Unless your sister is blind and deaf, she’s worked out that you two are together.
Seems like a lot of missing bioparents in this story. Another dead mom to a young girl. Where is your mom?
wait.. “his last wife”?? How many wives has this man had??
Yes I'm vey happy. No me
Yes I'm vey happy. No me taking the next step would would not have any detriment to my or my sister.
I actually sat her down and just casually brought it up about me and BF dating. All she said was "yeah, I knew". That helps so much.
Mom passed away four years ago from a heat attack. Her husband was a typical narcissist. When she passed, I ceased all communication with him.
Sorry about that. I didn't catch that. It was supposed to say "Late wife". I tried to edit it but I guess you can't edit forum posts.
I echo the comments above,
I echo the comments above, the kids probably know and don't care. Not sure where you live but I've noticed in our small community that kids don't make that big of deal of same sex relationships. Certainly not what it was like when I was a kid. Which is awesome!
you sound like a really good person, doing your best for the kids involved. It's so caring that you are sensitive to the girls feelings. Would you be as hesitant to tell them about an opposite sex partner? Cause that's fair, and if you're trying to honour the kids feelings by taking it slow that's cool.
Like the above comments say, the kids probably already know and a casual conversation will probably serve you best. Let us know how it goes and good luck to you!
They most likely know. Kids
They most likely know. Kids at that age are observant. So you being that way with your SO. They've probabl yfigured it out and just are happy for you
Congratulations!
Is your concern the actual
Is your concern the actual blending of the families or the understanding of a same sex relationship?
Have either of the kids been exposed to other same sex relationships in the past?
If it is blending, I think what you are doing is great. Taking it slow. Keeping individual spaces. Talking through things. And following the pace of the kids. I think the number one rule with blending is that thr adults are on the same page, put the relationship first and talk through issues calmly and rationally.
As far as the same sex relationship, at the age the kids are at, keep it simple. If you project a loving and safe environment it will be easy. It isn't any different then heterosexual relationships. Security. Respect. Support. That is what makes relationships healthy. Continue with that and I don't think you need to have a physical discussion.
The earlier the better IMHO.
The earlier the better IMHO. You and your SO have set the foundation, had the discussions, and the kids seem okay with it.
I applaud the adult and reasonable approach that you and your SO have taken with your girls.
I suggest that you each sit down with your respective young lady 1:1, tell them, discuss it, let them know that they are important but it is not their decision and you are all going to become a family.
Good luck.
Nuthin' to worry about
What an amazing blessing those girls have been given in you and your partner, ManMythos. Not only does your sister have a brother who loves her so much that he'd fight for custody of her, but you've also given her a 'sibling' her same age to go through life with. And you're worried they won't accept your relationship? No. Kids are sponges. I can almost promise you they already know, understand, and welcome to dynamic. You can move forward in confidence.
I suggest ya'll tell them
I suggest ya'll tell them pretty matter if factly. "Me and SO are dating. I just wanted to make sure it was clear." Or "I want to let you know i care for SO in a boyfriend way". Or you could even ask them "what would you think/ how would you feel if i told you that SO and i are dating?"
I think you are right that they probably already know, but i get it, you want to make it clear and put it out there so that there isn't any question about it.