Not only because I'm a year older, but because being a young, naive SM has basically ruined my life. I didn't think steplife could be so F'ed up. I didn't know loving a certain man could test my sanity and make me question (and be told by strangers on the interweb) if I'm a rotten person for having the feelings I do. I know that a lot of you seasoned stalkers are familiar with my old usernames. I won't post them here but if you know, you know. My life has taken turns I never imagined when I was a young girl dreaming of her future. No little girl fantasizes about being a stepmom. No little girl wants to marry a man that has procreated with Satan herself and has demon spawn that must be tolerated, well, FOREVER (or the remainder of the marriage)! Children we didn't birth but are expected/ forced to love and care for. Children who don't care about "dad's wife" or even try to break up dad's new marriage. Children and BMs that give us the "wicked SM " title when we were normal people before. Well, as normal as we could be....

Last week was SD's spring break and she spent the first part with us. My birthday was yesterday and she asked me on Wednesday if we could get our nails done (for my birthday). She said she was coming back here by Friday night but no sign. She texted me yesterday morning as I was getting ready for church asking if she could come over for my birthday. It finally hit me like a ton of bricks. SD, and I think a lot of kids in general, are used to being the center of everyone's universe, especially in divorced/ blended families. Heck, even COs make the parent's birthdays about spending time with skids, at least for a couple hours.

I thought to myself: SD has almost always been with us on my birthday. Last year for BM's birthday, GBM took the 3 of them to a paint event (think the paint-with-wine places but daytime). Of course, most adults couldn't care less about celebrating a birthday, but kids are different. She knew yesterday was my special day. The only day that's all about me. Then I felt like a huge pile of dog crap. SD is still a little girl. Yes, she'll be in high school in a few short months, but she is still a little girl. I've known her since she was barely 5 and entering kindergarten. She doesn't remember a time without me. We have had our rough times but she's still my husband's first child. I'm still her stepmom and a major female influence in her life. I think here on ST, skids are so "worshipped", if you will, even before the divorce, that they don't understand NOT being the center of attention, even on someone else's day. In my case, I think SD may have genuinely wanted to see me yesterday just to say 'happy birthday' if nothing other than being tradition. 

I can tell that DH is just waiting for SD to age out. He hasn't been the best dad but at least he'll be out of under BM's thumb. He has been a great dad to our daughter. I have exactly one week of mat leave left and I am very sad. I know working again will be good for me and I need to lose at least 10lbs but I want to spend every single second with our girl. The worst part about going back to work is that I *have* to be there. Right now, I have the freedom to leave and come home when I want. Not next week. I'll be fine and I'm so happy that DH will be home with her.

I don't know what will happen with my life from here. We are talking about one more baby. We plan to buy a home by 2022. I don't think I'll ever have the same relationship with SD again. I know I'll never love her like my baby girl and I'm told that's ok. Disengaging is hard. Parenting someone else's child is hard. Feeling stuck for 5.5 more years sucks. The fact that my daughter is indirectly exposed to this crap really sucks. I'm just going to enjoy my one week and be happy about going back to work. I think I may cry on the ride there.