She’s 3, which explains away some of that behavior. However, I have been in my step daughters life since she was 2, and she started a lot of what you’re highlighting here when she was 3. She’s now 5 and I can’t stand her either. I also have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship.  He has always been a much easier child (super chill, responsible, incredibly intelligent—reading at 4, doing upper grade work, able to walk to the park a block away since 5 and his area of exploration has steadily increased ), so maybe this is where my annoyance comes from. She is loud, still learning her alphabet at FIVE, whines about doing shit she’s been doing for years (putting shoes on, zipping coats, taking naps, etc).  As someone who’s worked in the school system, I don’t see many kids grow out of this extreme behavior (hyperactivity is one thing, but this is something beyond that) and I’m pretty sure she is ADHD with underlying sensory issues (among maybe a few other things). But I’m signed up now. Her father and I have a son together and I love the shit out of him. We have 50/50 custody and I’m a SAHM, but he travels, so I have made sure that mom has her every night he’s gone (though she drops her in the morning before work because she works at 6am). I used to just take her on ‘dad nights’, but she’s not my kid and I have two of my own to care for. Thankfully her father is in agreement and for the most part helps discipline. I do spend one on one time with her once in a while though because she calls me ‘mom’. She doesn’t remember a time in her life when I wasn’t around so I do my best to bond with her and make her feel wanted. I have made sure my space isn’t intruded upon though. If mom is home and capable of taking her she is not my sole responsibility when dad isn’t home. Anyway, I’m sure we could commiserate together about this issue. I’m trying to gain some patience with her, but sometimes man....I just gotta walk away. 

But she is 3, just keep redirecting her. Continuously. Don’t let her think she’s the only person on the planet who matters because that will end up backfiring horribly 

Few things. When you say your DD is the love of your life & your top priority, do you mean that you’ll prioritize her over your GF each & every time? If so, then I guarantee your GF has an issue with your DD as well, and if she doesn’t, just give it time. Your DD should be your top responsibility & her *needs* come first, but her *wants* do not. If you want a healthy & successful relationship, your partner needs to be higher in the hierarchy than your kid. Period.

Secondly, your GF’s DD is 3. She’s not a ‘bad’ kid, she’s 3. If she’s doing something wrong & her mother is allowing it, then your GF is the problem, not her daughter. Too often I see on here people blaming the kids for things their parents are doing. Kids can only get away with being rotten little brats when they’ve got permissive parents who don’t actually parent them. Your GF’s 3 year old daughter isn’t the problem, your GF is.

I wouldn’t recommend moving in together until both of you get your priorities straight. If you’re putting your daughter at the top of the totem pole, you’re no more ready to move in with the GF than she is to move in with you. Your DD is no more perfect than your GF’s DD, so you need to check yourself & your parenting style as well or you two are going to have problems. Both of you need to parent your kids properly, both kids need to be lower in the food chain than your respective partners or this will never work.

Don’t move in & don’t move too quickly with this girl, regardless of how long you’ve known her. I didn’t even read your whole post (paragraphs are important) but can see there are red flags all over the place.

The girl is 3... not all kids are exactly the same.. your daughter likely had her issues as well.. but as her father.. you are a bit blinded to them.  I mean.. I can see your GF saying your daughter is a whining tattle tale..for always running to daddy when things don't go her way??

I do agree with other posters.. your child shouldn't be your #1 priority.. if she is.. then you absolutely shouldn't be dating anyone.  She is your 100% your responsibility but other people and their needs should be prioritized appropriately. 

It sounds like your GF is working on her toddler's behavior.. unfortunately.. wash rinse repeat is how it improves.. consistent and firm correction and consequences when warranted. 

Your daughter is much older and her behavior obviously is held to a higher standard because she is capable of it.. the 3 yo is not yet.. and as long as mom is making strong and effective efforts to improve her daughter's behavior.. she is doing what she can.

But.. if you don't want to deal with another person's child.. which isn't easy.. go ahead and give your GF the chance to meet someone that can handle this situation.

That sounds very much like my 3 year old, although he's better at sharing (but he doesn't have any siblings close in age with whim he has to compete). I'm sure your kid was pretty similar at 3, it's just easier to tolerate shitty behavior from your own.

If you can't stand the kid, do not move in with her mom. Work through your shit first.

There is a reason they call kids this age Threenagers. Very few 3 yr olds are "well behaved". The big thing here is that as long as your see your GF actually parenting and not negotiating with the 3 yr old mini terrorist (which is what they can be at times) you will be fine and the little one will grow out of this phase. 

My other concern is your priorities. You state that you have 2 loves of your life. To me that puts your daughter and your girlfriend on the same level. I will tell you 100% that if you maintain that your daughter is your #1 priority, your relationship won’t make it. Your spouse becomes your #1 when you marry. Above your job, above your children, above your family. 

This does not mean that you don't take care of your kid’s needs. I am not saying to neglect your daughter. What I am saying is that if you and your GF are talking, your daughter waits her turn. If your GF is having a bad day and needs a little alone time with you, you send your daughter to her room to play for a little while. If it is your anniversary and you have your daughter, you get a babysitter and celebrate your relationship. If your relationship is kid-centric you won't have a relationship in 10 years when your daughter is off to college. 

she has a limited attention span because everything is exciting for her. She’s interested in everything and wants to imitate people.

you know how toddlers and young kids learn to help around the house with chores, they imitate....  i think to a degree you are unrealistic with what you’re expecting of this 3 yr old...

sure there are times my daughter is with her cousins and hogs their toys but when she sees a cousin her age or younger who is left alone oR who dropped a toy and is too afraid to grab one she actually hands one to them. 

My 3.5yr old spoon feeds her brother who will be 2 in 2 weeks time... she learnt this from imitating us... if you are a hands on parent you will understand and know this is how the cycle starts.

like some have said, your daughter is not #1 priority and your love over and above your girlfriend

by saying she is #1 you are saying that when she is rude disrespectful, treats others like crap that you will defend and side with her or make pathetic excuses. Thats what plenty of stepparents here deal with...  your spouse is your #1 priority because children learn how to behave appropriately via their adult role models, thats hard enough when bio parents are divorced and say the bio mum is so high conflict and on constant revenge missions that the only 2 sane people are her dad and stepmum, she needs to see how you are together, how you support one another and basic ground rules. 

There is a big difference between a 3 yr old behaving as a 3 yr old and one who is ADHD... believe me in a shopping mall my daughter would run everywhere, she has the energy of an energizer battery bunny, just goes on and on but she’s at that age where everything interests her. 

When she is very excited, why not get her doing activities like colouring and drawing. Nothing you posted says that the 3 yr old is being engaged to do constructive things to develop her motor skills and brain development for when she is in school. Toys don’t do this. You read, you colour, paint, draw or play with blocks and playdo, go through flash cards and teach her words, sing the alphabet etc

just last week after morning bath i went to get dirty laundry, my 3.5 yr old had taken a crayon and drew on our white walls. Yes it was wrong but she found her crayons and didn’t have paper there so she improvised. Thats a minor thing we can paint over. When i see her grab her colouring pencils and crayons, i go get her paper so she and her brother can draw. At this age to keep them distracted and calm, you need to engage them, not dump her with toys. She needs constant brain stimulation in doing activities.

by the way my 3.5 yr old is a little sassy. She has her own mind and when she wants to do something, she will do it. If she doesn’t want to hear you read her books, she puts her fingers in her ears... despite all this there are things she does well beyond her age...

moral here is be realistic with expectations and reality because currently you aren’t 100%

I’ve had a lot of the same problems with my SD 4 ever since she came into my life. It’s hard to be as understanding a lot of the times when it’s not technically your child. I resented my step daughter for almost 2 years because I blamed her for the way she was, but it wasn’t her fault. She was raised with poor discipline and allowed to do anything and everything she wanted to. She’s made such huge improvements with me and her dad in her life and her BM out of it. I love her and treat her as my bio child but I wouldn’t have been able to learn to love her if I didn’t start holding her dad responsible for the way she was being raised. I’m not saying we don’t still have our issues with her but until you talk to your GF about what’s bothering you you won’t be able to have a relationship with your SD or her mother. It does get easier you just have to give yourself and everyone else time to learn.