Blended family living
I will be getting married soon. Once married my DDs(12/10) and I will be moving into fiancé’s home. My SD(10) stays every other weekend. She has her own room (smaller) but recently because her older brother(27) moved out has taken over his larger bedroom. My fiancé did not say anything either because he was oblivious of everything or just chose not to address anything. She also has her own large bedroom at her Mom’s. Because she is there EOW I assumed that my DDs would move into the 2 larger bedrooms because this will be their permanent residence. I have brought this up to my fiancé but he feels that the fair thing to do is to draw numbers for the bedrooms. Also because he does not want to upset his daughter. I am not okay with this because this home will be the permanent residence to keep all of my DDs belongings. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Should we draw numbers and see who gets what room? Thank you in advance!!
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Perhaps you should consider
Perhaps you should consider getting an "ours" home. I think this will make everyone feel like they are "home" rather than "you and your daughters are moving into fiance house".
Can’t even call it “ours” yet
Can’t even call it “ours” yet. One of the larger of the 2 bedrooms is a storage room. So my DDs are not able to begin moving things in. And my SD has things in both her smaller bedroom and now the larger bedroom that was my SS. My fiancé works a lot and is often exhausted on the weekends to do anything. Not to make excuses for him. Lol!!I am just a bit overwhelmed. I want the home to be a home for all of us. We just don’t have much time until the wedding is here.
It will likely never feel
It will likely never feel like "ours". And if your fiance's daughter gets a crap attitude, which happens frequently, your kids will hear this is my daddy's house not yours.
I recommend he sell that house and of the two of you pick out a house together to purchase together.
You're not necessarily 'wrong
You're not necessarily 'wrong' in your thinking.... but you're asking for trouble. The home is already established as the SD's home who goes when she visits her father. Go ahead and kick her out and her space and move your two little darlings in. See what h*ll she can make your life. See what resentment you set up for her towards your children.
The truly "ours" house is being suggested because all the children start fresh on more or less on the same footing. Why? Because everybody is going in with no say as to which room goes to who. Adults rule , they own the home together and what they say goes. And don't forget, just because SD has a nice room to herself at BM's and is currently only with her father EOWE, she's a breath away from possibly living with you in this home 24/7 (nock on wood nothing happens to BM).
Yes, I totally understand
Yes, I totally understand this. And she has a room at her BM and had the smaller of the 3 bedrooms at her Dad’s. She actually would like to live with us 24/7 too. And I am fine with that. I just don’t understand why she wants a larger room when most of her belongings are at her BM. She usually just brings a bag with clothes and takes them back to BM.
You're applying adult logic
You're applying adult logic to a preteen brain.
Why do kids want the bigger room? Because bigger bedrooms go to people who live in thr house and smaller rooms go to guests. Bigger rooms also go to the oldest kid as a right of passage. If she gets skipped over, she's going to feel replaced.
You see it as your kids need more space. She sees it as two strange girls and their mother not only taking more time away from her for her dad's attention, but also taking a permanent room that is "rightfully hers". If she stays in her small room, it just reinforces that she isn't actually a permanent fixture (which she already knows to some extent) and is, indeed, replaceable.
Yes, I thought that because
Yes, I thought that because this will be my girls only residence that they would have the larger bedrooms. She was already set up in the smaller room. And she doesn’t keep many items in her bedroom and brings a bag of clothes each visit and takes it back to BM. My daughters and I have discussed this over and over again. My DD(10) will be in my SD(10) previous smaller bedroom. So then their won’t hopefully be any conflict or resentment towards myself or my DDs. For the most part we all get along really well. And my SD would actually prefer to live with us 24/7 for a variety of reasons. But, for the time being she lives with her Mom, SD and her 2 year old half sister. Thank you so much for your input.
"...because he doesnt want to upset his daughter"
That one sentence is a huuuge red flag. And at the risk of sounding dramatic, knowing what I know after three decades of stepping, I would not marry a father who uttered it.
If your fiance is afraid of upsetting his daughter, you are in for a lot of suffering as his wife.
I approve this message!!!
I approve this message!!!
What's wrong with drawing
What's wrong with drawing numbers? Or letting the oldest have the largest room and the younger ones having the smaller rooms (with SD getting the larger of the smaller rooms)?
I usually don't like it when parents say they don't want to upset their kids, but I feel like, in this instance, you're trying to make the statement that you and your daughters are now permanent fixtures while SD is just a visitor. She's likely already going to struggle with your girls having more time with her dad than she does, so why pile onto those feelings by fighting over, what, 20 sq ft?
Let the girl have the room she wants. Your kids aren't going to notice unless you point it out. If they do notice, work with them make their new rooms more their own. Don't start a fight with a preteen girl over a few feet of space. She'll resent you and your daughters if you do.
Thank you!!
Thank you!!
I actually don't mind
the idea of three similarly aged girls drawing numbers for bedrooms. At one point we had four girls in our home all at once. Our three bedroom plus den and family room home. The only boy got first pick (also the oldest) and chose the den, DH and I took the family room and we gave the two sharing girls the largest room. The other two we drew names. The sharing girls decided to share on their own otherwise we would have also drawn names for that.
Other options....your girls could share and then use the other room as a TV/game room. The two ten year old girls could draw numbers for the two remaining rooms with the oldest getting the largest room. The two ten year olds could share with the same situation with the smaller room as a game/TV room for all three girls. You could also sit all three down and ask them their opinion of "fair." They may surprise you.
Thank you!!
Thank you!!
My DDs and I have made a
My DDs and I have made a decision and my DD(10) will have my SD(10) previous smaller bedroom. Although my SD is over EOW she will have one of the larger bedrooms so as to not feel as if we are taking anything from her. I do want this home to be “ours”. And I wouldn’t want to start our new beginning with any resentment from my SD towards myself or my DDs. Thank you again everyone for your input. It was all very helpful!! My DD is getting excited now to fix up her new room!!
I am glad you came to a
I am glad you came to a resolution that you feel good about.
Even though the room is small some new decorations will make it feel special and all about her!
Yes!! And she is getting
Yes!! And she is getting excited!! Thank you!!
Did you discuss this with
Did you discuss this with your FH or just your DDs?
Even though you're about to be married, it's still his house. Any decisions about who is sleeping where need to be discussed and agreed upon by him, both as your partner and owner of the abode you're about to move in to. If he doesn't agree with this, then it's back to the drawing board.
I agree it should be
I agree it should be discussed with him, of course - but do you see it as him getting the final say just because he owns the house? That wouldn't fly for me.
I do, yes. If qe were talking
I do, yes. If qe were talking about a car the OP owned, would the car become "theirs" when they get married and FH, if SD was of age, could allow SD to drive it without her approval? Are OP's belongings now "theirs" and her SD should have full reign to use it all without OP's permission?
So you'd be OK with your
So you'd be OK with your partner saying, "I get to decide the color of the living room because it's my house." "I will decide how we arrange the furniture, because it's my house." ?
Not me. If someone asks me to move in with them, then that becomes MY HOME too, and therefore, we discuss all issues and the final decision is made by both of us. So they discuss who wants what room and how it would work best, but the OP's DH doesn't get to say, "Welp, we are giving my kid the bigger room because it's my house, sorry". If that were the case, I would insist we move and buy a house together so it's a partnership, not him being the authority. Or I'd leave the relationship.
A car is different. I don't live in a car. Belongings are also different. But a HOUSE is my HOME, and I'm not going to be treated like a child just because the other person owns the home.
How are you handling money?
Who is paying for the house?
The home is his and already
The home is his and already paid for.
So you are expecting him to house you and your 2 DDs?
I am glad you backed off from YOUR kids not getting the best, although I will say here on StepTalk, the general rule is that MEN should always pay their share, but WOMEN should be treated like a princess, demand to get half of all assets.
The SD will likely regard you as a golddigger when she gets older.
I agree with others, you should both pay for part of a new house (and it sounds like you and your girls will need more space).
What? What the hell are you
What? What the hell are you talking about?
Op started off with she thinks
She and her DDs can move into the house that her BF owns and is fully paid for, and her kids should get best rooms. I call it like i see it. They should buy a house togerther, and each pay for. If she wants her kids to have bigger rooms, she should pay mmore
You call it with your bias
You call it with your bias against women blinding you.
How many times on ST are there stories
Of men freeloading, and the consensus is the woman needs to leave or demand her pay? Why should it not be the same.
You have zero idea what
You have zero idea what financial arrangement they have. You focus only on threads that support your view that women are gold-digging freeloaders, and men are helpless victims.
Why on earth would you give
Why on earth would you give up a home that is already owned for a new mortgage? That is just stupid finances. We don't know what her arrangement is with her stbDH. Maybe she is taking on all the utilities? There could be a million ways that she is equally sharing the expenses. She shouldn't be shamed for moving into her stbDH's home.
Well, she could tell us
But in many places a four bedroom house would cost more in rent or mortgage than the utilities for it. I do think she needs a frank and open discussion with money with him.
Just so it's "fair", dontcha
Just so it's "fair", dontcha know?
So what is your financial arrangement with him?
Are you truly sharing expenses? Or are you just paying minor ones?
It doesn't matter, she solved
It doesn't matter, she solved the problem and lookee there! Her daughter agreed to take the smaller room. So drop it.
You should get a us new home
SS has her own traditions in that home, how the home is decorated for the holidays, what done on the holidays ect. A new home will be the start on new traditions for your family.
Did the EX lived in that home ? Is her touch on everything, her furniture. Her bed ? Are you sleeping in the bed she used .
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I have received so much wonderful information about so many different things. I definitely don’t know what the future will bring. It’s definitely going to be something very new for me and my DDs.