Sharing food with bonus kids
Hey
So I moved in temporarily with my gf for about 3 months. I chipped in with purchasing food for the family. She has 3 children (9.11 and a teenager). I love my fresh fruit and when living by myself, I portion out my food so it lasts for a while and I can attempt to stick to my grocery budget. It was getting to me that the fresh fruit was being eaten up by the bonus kids so quickly after I'd do a grocery run. I raised my frustrations with my gf who suggested that I store my fruit in the spare fridge and she'd tell the kids not to take anything. That worked because I'd get fresh fruit for the family and I'd also get some for me and store to them in the spare fridge. Months after I moved out, my gf said she and her kids found it odd that I was keeping my own food separately. I personally don't see it as an issue because I always shared treats with the family and if anyone wanted fruit, I'd give it to them if they asked. I've never been in a blended family situation so I'd like to hear your perspective. Food being eaten by bonus kids seems to be a common issue on this thread so im curious to know if anyone else has done this or would strongly oppose it.
Welcome to the site!
By coincidence - someone put up a blog post about this very subject which it appears you have seen - so you are not alone!
I think it's perfectly OK to buy particular food that you may not want consumed by the ravening swarm of locusts (or step kids). If they think it's odd - then tell them that you bought some for them, they ate it all, and yours as well! We are allowed to have stuff that is off limits to the SKIDs!
I have the same issue except
I have the same issue except I put sticky notes on my food that I don't want the skids to eat and they know not to touch it unless they want to feel my wrath and then DH will have to buy me more of whatever they ate. I was a never-ending battle and it still is sometimes but for the most part they learned to stay out of my stuff that I have labeled. If your SO cannot control her precious snowflakes to respect other people's boundaries and personal things then you definitely have a SO problem.
She found it odd that you
She found it odd that you didn't want to pay to feed her and her three kids, while you temporarily stayed there? That you bought food for yourself and expected to be the one to eat it?
It's very frustrating to buy something for yourself, only to have someone else eat it and there is none for you. I find it odd that they thinks that's odd.
I find it odd that your GF
I find it odd that your GF offered up a practical solution that still allowed everyone to have their treats yet is trying to guilt you after the fact. That, to me, says that your GF felt she and her children were entitled to the spoils of your labor. I'd have a conversation with your GF that you are happy to provide treats as you seem appropriate based on appreciation from her and her kids and within your means, but some things will always be "yours" while some things will always be "hers".
Different families have
Different families have different ways of dealing with grocery consumption and kids. Growing up, I was raised to ASK my mom if I wanted to get something to eat. My mom would then tell me what I "could" eat. As we got older and able to do things more independently.. (preteen and beyond).. we were allowed to prepare for ourselves.. within limits.. like we knew we could make peanutbutter celery.. or a PBJ.. or grab a banana.. BUT.. we KNEW we were not allowed to eat my parent's leftovers from their dinner out.. or to eat up my dad's cold cuts that he made his lunch out of etc.. or to use ingredients that were clearly there for my mom to cook family meals etc..
When in doubt.. we were to ASK if we could eat something we saw in the cupboard or fridge.
I think it gets a bit complicated when you have someone within the home purchasing groceries that are to be more segregated.. like a boarder or roomate vs a family member...
Then there are people like my inlaws who have zero limits on their groceries when it comes to grandkids etc.. wanting something. they don't have to ask.. and thought it was "horrible" that I made my skids ask before they raided the fridge.
So.. different styles.
I might question why the parent of the kids isn't doing a better job to keep food in the home when they know growing kids and teens eat a lot though.
I agree that different
I agree that different families have different styles. For her family, they have communal food that everyone has access to. Before I moved in, I'd asked asked for a shelf in her pantry so I could keep some of my food stuff in there. She'd told her kids not to touch my food in there which they respected but she and her kids early found it odd having this. I didn't see anything wrong with having a shelf of my own because that was the only way I knew her kids wouldnt eat up my non-perishable food. I'd have treats in there that I would share with the family so it wasn't like I would rudely eat food in front of them without offering them. She's big on her kids eating healthy so if her kids wanted to eat lots of fruit, she'd be OK with that except that meant that the fruit that was meant to last me for a specific period was no longer available. Her way of living is if the fruit or any food gets eaten up by her kids, just go and buy more (she offered to replace them) , no point getting upset over it. We see things differently. What is unsettling for me is that my wish to have boundaries within the family is being looked down upon because that's not what they are used to.
Flip the script on her, ask
Flip the script on her, ask her if she moved in with somebody elses family would she find it odd if they ate all her food that she had ear marked for herself? It didn't sound like this move in was permanent, therefore you keeping your own food for the time being made sense. If it was permanent I could see where you both would need to have compromised on things.
Good question
Thanks, I'll pose that question to her. Will be interesting to hear her response.
Thanks for your replies
Thanks for all your replies. I'm glad to read that you guys don't think anything wrong of wanting to have food boundaries with the kids. The reason why the topic of food came up is we are talking about possibly moving in together in a more permanent sense, She gave me feedback about what her kids and her thought about my having separate food in the house. She'd said that they found it odd. I challenged that because when her teenager buys food with her own money, everyone respects that it's her and no one eats it. Why is this concept of respecting that some food isn't shared communally so odd? When her teenage daughter buys toiletries with her own money, it's hers so no one should be using it. So if she has that expectation, why can't I have the same expectations with food that people should respect that I've purchased with my own money? As someone on this post said, it's the feeling of entitlement that the kids have towards food. They feel entitled to access all food in the house because that's how they've been raised. I have had conversations with my gf about the importance of sharing communal food because when I lived there, the kids would eat up whatever food there was without thinking to keep some for others. If I'm expected to share in the grocery costs if we were to live together, I'd like to know I'll get to eat some of the food ive paid for.
Do not move in. Kids and
Do not move in. Kids and teenagers think that anything that they want, belongs to them and they are free to take it.
I have been known to
I have been known to occasionally hide my bedtime snacks away from my bio children (18 years and 20 years) when they are home. It was occasionally necessary to ‘rearrange food’ when they were living at home.
I learned that they were too lazy to root to the back of the fridge etc so most of the time stuff was safe.
So no, I don’t see anything wrong with it.
I do have a somewhat general
I do have a somewhat general comment on this type of thing.
I find that it is most often the people who are contributing the least or have the least are the ones who are most in favor of communal pooling of resources.. because obviously... that usually ends up with someone else subsidizing them.
Homes can be microcosms of society in general in some ways..
To be fair to my gf, she's
To be fair to my gf, she's pays her fair share of the groceries and is generous with food. She earns more than me, is in a good financial position and lives very comfortably. I think the mentality of food is to be accessible by everyone is just how she and her kids (single mum) have lived before I came along.
Not wierd
Your GF is in the mode of buying food for her family, and all three kids having access. So in her kids' minds, food bought by the adult in the family isn't ever rationed or hidden. And her teen will not see the irony of keeping her own food separate any time soon.
What I find odd about your GF is that she even brought it up to you. The only comment she needed to make was back to her own kids - that you are not the parent, that you are not financially responsible for them, it was a temporary situation, and that, shocker, sometimes adults have things that they don't want to share with everyone, which can include food.
If this is the worst of the living experience, I think this can be managed. However, make sure this isn't the only issue. Move slowly before getting a place together.
And for the record, I hide food from my entire family, to include my own bio kids. Because they will eat everything in sight, and there are certain things that I want to keep for my diet. There is plenty of other food for them to consume.
I think you hit the spot with
I think you hit the spot with the comment about kids thinking that adults buying food is never rationed etc. Her kids live a very privileged life and never really have to think about budgeting/rationing food etc. As my gf said previously she isn't going to tell them to eat less food. If they eat up all the fruit (including the ones I've rationed for the fortnight), she will go buy more. So they haven't been taught to make food last because they get food replenished by the gf. Your comment about the gf having the conversation with her kids about me not being their parent (the kids have a dad) and not being financially responsible etc is what I would have thought she'd say to them and also about boundaries but it seems her take is that her family as a collective found my want to keep my food separate as odd. Not feeling much support from the gf because she clearly doesn't share my values and has a different way of living. I'm going to try to talk to her about it and see if she can understand my take on it. I hope we can come to an arrangement if we do move in on how to navigate the food issue because that's a big concern for me. I'm currently living by myself and so I can manage my budget pretty well. Moving in will change the game completely and I'm sensing my living expenses will increase significantly because we live quite differently and have different values around money. What suggestions do you have around navigating the food issues?
Haha! Good to hear people hide food from their bio kids too!
If sharing food is such an
If sharing food is such an issue, it is not going to be easy to navigate the financial side of things. Be absolutely sure you keep your finances separate. Do not pay for her kids, pay for your share of the rent, food and utilities. Nothing more (unless, of course, you choose to treat them). Your contribution should be calculated in the same way as it would be were you a simple room mate.
I am team separate food is
I am team separate food is odd. If you are living as a couple/blended family then food is for the family.
my parents always had a shelf in the fridge for recipe ingredients. Anything not on that shelf was fair game.
If a Skid is a gorger or food hoarder that is a different story.
What you have currently is a girlfriend who has kids with no
Manners....
even as a kid my mum always raised us to not be pigs. At someones home or if someone bought something to not be such a greedy pig and finish it selfishly. Thats just basic good manners. But if your girlfriend can’t afford to buy fruit, well of course her kids see this as a luxury item and pig out..
heck when i was pregnant my gatorade or powerade drinks were off-limits because i got super sick with vomiting and that was the only thing i could keep down before i could consume water and other food. Hubby felt my wrath when in 8 hours while sleeping, ss aged 17 had drunk 5 of these 500ml bottles. Here i am 8am staggering downstairs to look for that and he couldn’t even be bothered to dump it in the trash he just threw it on the kitchen floor.
he actually went through the veggie compartment of our fridge to look for my drinks that were tied up in a bag. But my skids have no manners. Hubby has had to deal with it because that isn’t something i will tolerate in my home with my own kids with hubby, no way will they be exposed to bad behaviour.
you are not family, you should not be responsible for her kids upkeep and even if you married her this does not change things. Society still stupidly believes that if we settle with someone with kids that we are responsible for them like our own
I am going through this over
I am going through this over last few days. I have D8, D12 a SS14. SS14 doesn't know how to share and eats everything he finds. I do grocery shopping each week I have my kids, so I can prep lunches and so on and it really ticks me off when the food is gone. I started to put things in different fridge but my wife is livid that I treat him different. I told her to buy stuff for him that and tell him where it is as I cannot keep buing groceries all the time. SS14 would come home at lunch time and just clean out everyting possible.. very frustrating. My wife is unable to set boudaries which makes things even worse.
If your DW can't establish
If your DW can't establish and inforce boudaries with her 14yo then inform your wife that you will no longer purchase food for the 14yo. Then put locks on the fridge.
He is treated differently because he cannot be polite and he acts differently. DW can buy his food and a small fridge for that food. Then everyone else can eat it all. That ought to get the point across.
Sometimes it takes extraordinary action to get a message across.
Yeah.
Rags has his pants on. So matter of fact.
But some people would divorce you for being so straightforward.
True.
However, it they have failed that miserably as a parent and partner.... good riddance.