I’m new so I hope this isn’t too much to start with…I just think putting it all in writing might help me. I could also really use some feedback from someone that understands SKIDS dynamics. Here is as basic of history of my life with my SKIDS.  I started dating my DH over 11 years ago.  At the time we started dating his two daughters were 7 and 2 years old and I had a 4-year-old daughter (yes 3 girls lol). My ex and I have a very good relationship and co-parent easily. My daughter has a great relationship with both her dad and me.

DH’s ex-wife and the kid’s BM left him for another man who was supposed to be really “rich” and a much better earner than my DH.  It turned out badly for BM and the “rich” man (he’s currently in federal prison) and she has cycled through lots of men ever since.  The latest breakup happened a few months ago when her boyfriend kicked her and her daughters out of his house after treating them all badly for months.  BM has 50% custody with DH but we have always kept the kids much more than 50% (which I’m happy to do). BM has caused many problems and seeks drama all the time.  I believe BM has an undiagnosed mental illness (likely bipolar disorder) as she behaves erratically with us and her children.  BM also has a drinking problem; SD’s have called us on lots of occasions when BM (or her current boyfriend) was drunk and behaving in a way that scared them.  She has been caught drunk driving with SD’s in the car and we had to go pick them up.  I have myself witnessed BM verbally abusing both SD’s and SD’s say she physically slaps them occasionally as well.  She seems to swing wildly between being extremely permissive to being tough on them. BM is basically a party girl and can rarely be bothered to parent.

SD’s have very different personalities the older SD (I’ll call her SD1, now 18) suffers from several is outgoing talkative and has been diagnosed with mental illnesses including borderline personality disorder.  The younger (I’ll call her SD2 now 13) is quiet, calm, easy to get along with and very sweet.  SD2 does sometimes get manipulated by SD1 or BM and becomes distant but for the most part we don’t have any issues (that I’m aware of).  We found out about 3 years ago that both SD’s were sexually abused by a relative that is now deceased.  This helped explain a lot of SD1’s problems and was very helpful in her treatment.  She was placed in a mental facility by her old therapist after cutting and telling the therapist she wanted to commit suicide.  She spent over three weeks in an awesome facility in Illinois and it helped her a lot (it seems to be the only thing that has ever helped her).  She has been in some sort of therapy since I met her.  She has had (and continues to have) some amazingly bad behaviors much of which would turn your stomach.  I don’t care to revisit all of the ways in which she has hurt people, specifically me and my daughter, but it is extreme.  The suicidal ideation that landed her in the mental facility she claimed was because I was in her life ☹ (ouch that one hurt).  She bullied my daughter so badly that my sweet and sunny daughter struggled to want to engage in things like our family vacations.  Also as background I was thrilled my DH had daughters and I was so excited to have them both in our lives.  I always wanted more children and I felt lucky to have this small role in their lives.  My intentions toward both of them have always been good and I’ve always wanted as much custody as we could get.  Unfortunately, I spent the better part of the last 10 years dealing with a highly manipulative SD and BM that definitely had zero good intentions toward me.  On several occasions over the last 10 years I have sidelined my needs and sadly my own daughters needs in order to care for SD1.

Fast forward to last May when SD1 was 17 and she decided to move out of our home two days before her high school graduation.  Also as background, DH and I have are blessed to have a beautiful home in which all three kids have their own space and bathrooms.  Our kids want for nothing they are given lots and well cared for.  My husband and I were devastated because if felt like everything had been going really well for the 6 months prior (which is a long time for SD1).  We had no idea why she wanted to leave, she refused to talk to me (blocked on her phone and everything) and told my DH it was because she was “uncomfortable at our house” and “she couldn’t be herself.”  We found out a few months later from my in laws (IL’s) that she told everyone I had “fat shamed” her and abused her verbally and physically her entire life.  She made up stories about how her and SD2 would have to clean and my daughter had no chores (like Cinderella).  It has always been the opposite and I have always asked more of my own daughter, mostly because she lives with us more than SD’s.  This and a few other things cause me (and DH) to no longer have a relationship with most of my IL’s,  a lot of them believed her and have been really terrible to me.  I didn’t know why some of my IL’s had stopped talking to me until months after it happened when one of them approached me in public and basically yelled at me for being such a terrible person. This is someone I loved and thought of as family it hurt so much I could barely reply.  I had no idea what to even say. I still can’t figure out how to even defend myself because I have no idea what exactly has been said.  I’m by no means perfect but I’ve never done anything remotely abusive to my SD’s or my own daughter.  I never spanked, belittled, or even raised my voice.  I certainly would never have fat shamed anyone.  My now deceased mother struggled with obesity her entire life and I saw people treat her so badly I would never ever do that. Ugh Never….

I was immediately uninvited to SD1’s graduation party I think mostly because all she had told IL’s.  The IL’s that are still my friends told me more that was said during this party, they were sickened and actually left without talking the SD1 or BM.  Later my husband was dis-invited to the grad party as well I forgot to mention.  We were told that was because he didn’t pay enough.  We actually payed our share for the party and gave SD1 a nice gift. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do now I wish we wouldn’t have.  SD1 has been in and out of our lives ever since but has never moved back into our home.  She’s mostly comes to us around present times (Christmas/Birthday) and when she needs something (when BM’s boyfriend or BM kicks her out). 

SD1 has no direction for her future she is not going to school and has a part time job (less than 20 hours a week).  A few months ago I was able to get her a pretty good job through my family; full time, more than minimum wage, and room to get promoted.  She quit the job about three weeks later.  She worked with a good friend of ours son who is 2 years older than her (I'll call him D).  We found out through my family she had accused D of physically assaulting her (beating her up) and told a bunch of people at the job.  This is the third time she has accused a male her age of either rape or assault.  The police warned her last time that if she put in another false claim they would charge her for it.  She refused to go to the police this time and would only text my DH about it.  D actually called my DH and said it wasn’t true he was really upset and was considering quitting his job because everyone believed he hit SD1.  DH doesn’t believe SD1 was ever raped or that D assaulted her.  DH has now just refused to interact with SD1 without telling her why.  He is afraid to tell her he doesn't believe her.  DH is afraid SD1 will hurt herself if he says that.  SD1 didn’t reach out to either of us for a few weeks but a few days ago started texting us different things every day.  DH still hasn’t dealt with this and I really don’t want to have anything to do with SD1.  She has quit all therapy and is currently not taking anything for her other mental illnesses.  I just want to protect myself and my daughter.  My daughter (now 15) wants nothing to do with SD1 she has been really hurt by SD1 and feels like there is no fixing it because SD1 has not remorse.

So long story even longer…my house has been peaceful since SD1 left almost a year ago. We occasionally still have BM drama, but rarely because SD2 doesn’t like the drama either. Any time we interact with SD1 it adds drama and chaos to our lives.  Can I just opt out of a relationship with SD1?  Do I owe her an explanation?  I feel like explaining this would just invite more drama I have zero influence and even recently (about a month ago) she has said she “struggles to want me in her life.”  I think I would be giving her what she wants.  I know this is upsetting to DH but he barely has a relationship with her; can’t I just opt out?  I want peaceful holiday’s where my daughter and I can both feel comfortable in our home.  I want to opt out…does this make me a bad person?