You are here

Little Changes

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 05/21/2020 - 11:14pm

My SO has recently started setting boundaries with the BM of 2 of his kids. They were previously enmeshed, but he stopped letting her come inside his house and he made it so communication is about the kids and only when necessary. He also saw his lawyer about finally separating her from his retirement account and stopping paying CS on the son who is with him all the time. 

Ever since she was served the papers, she has "pulled" something at the last minute on transition days. Last week, she brought their other son back a day late with no explanation. Today, she was supposed to pick him back up for her week, but at the last minute she texted my SO and said she won't be back for 3 days due to an out-of-town funeral.

 My SO doesn't seem to mind because he thinks his son is better off at his house anyway. I feel like the evil SM not wanting the kid an extra 3 days, but it's just unsettling to have plans changed at the last minute. I feel like she is just passive-aggressively fking with us, trying to keep us on edge. He thinks it's just a series of unfortunate events. I admit that just thinking about the woman makes my stomach hurt. But, she makes it so we have to think about her by literally never following the schedule and forcing us to wonder what she is going to do every week. Am i being paranoid? 

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Fri, 05/22/2020 - 2:00am

you are not being paranoid.  this is classic HCGUBM playbook.  Biodad seldom sees through the scheming at onset.  He is just happy to have his kids for the extra time.   Stress to him the importance of following the CO to the letter because she will soon reverse gears and will use not following the CO as an excuse to WITHHOLD visitation to "punish" him for standing up to her.

Is he willing to read material such aa Divorce Poison or watch info on PAS?

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 05/22/2020 - 5:19am

Well, if she's the non-custodial parent, he can't make her take her time. I'd ignore it for a little while longer, because she's likely trying to get a reaction out of him. But if she starts refusing to bring him back consistently (vs. not taking him) then he has to address it.

DPW's picture

Submitted by DPW on Fri, 05/22/2020 - 7:09am

Document, document, document. You may need it someday.

I agree - I wouldn't give her a reaction. But I also would not let this go on indefinitely. If this continues, I'd ask for a switch in custody arrangements. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Fri, 05/22/2020 - 8:36am

Real, not snarky question:

Has your BF stopped angling for other women on social media, and using his interactions on social media to manipulate you with jealousy?

All this other stuff is great and dandy and all, but he was disrespectful to your relationship in other ways, too. In fact, I'd say those other ways need to be fixed much sooner than the ones with BM because his issues with BM are,most likely, not a direct attack on your relationship.

To your actual question, BM is going to pull crap for a while because she's testing her boundaries. I'm sure there is some "punishment" mixed in, tol, against you since you are the variable that caused the change in their relationship. But as tog said, if she is the NCP, she doesn't have to take her visitation. For CS purposes, your BF needs to document and take her back to court for a CS adjustment based on her actual time with the kids, but forcing her to take the kids won't happen.

Lastly, please don't see these small changes as massive improvements where you think moving in together is a good idea. He still has a lot of improvements to make and he needs to keep them going CONSISTENTLY for several monthd (not weeks) before you consider moving in together or combining your lives in any other way. This relationship has been tumultuous from the start, and you should expect to see a long period of consistent improvement before signing off on ANY long-term plans with this guy.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Fri, 05/22/2020 - 9:06am

He has cleaned up his act online for the most part. He was messaging one woman the other day, and i got upset. I read the exchange, and he was giving her health advice. Apparently they had both been commenting under the same post about the coronavirus and she had some more personal health issues she wanted to discuss with him, so they took it to private messages. It was a very long and detailed conversation about her personal issues, and i expressed to him that i wasn't comfortable with him getting into that much personal detail with a woman he hardly knows. He didn't seem to understand why i would be upset if he wasn't trying to sleep with her. I explained that it was still him giving a lot of time and attention to a single woman online, one who he really doesn't know in real life. 
 

As far as BM, they have 50/50 with neither designated as the CP. They are supposed to do week on/week off. She just won't follow the schedule. In fact, last night she actually came and got the boy while he was at work, after telling him she wasn't picking him up. Apparently now she is going to drop him back off at some point today, then pick him back up at some point Sunday. So, multiple trips back and forth from his house with nobody knowing when she's coming or going. It just unsettles me and keeps me on edge. I don't know how we will ever live together with no control over when the youngest is there. He is the only one she keeps at all now, and apparently she will use that to cause as much chaos as she possibly can. He says he doesn't know what else to do. 
 

 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 05/22/2020 - 9:25am

Well, if it's 50/50, then yes, he should get a new CO with her as the NCP. But I'm not surprised she's upset that her sweet situation of collecting Child Support while never having her kids is coming to an end.

Can I ask - is this guy worth all the policing you have to do to make sure he's not straying? I'd personally rather live alone with animals than deal with that nonsense.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Fri, 05/22/2020 - 10:07am

I talked to him about it, and he said that cheating and dishonesty are not who he is anymore, and he would never do anything like that in the future. Idk. I just don't see why he puts himself in situations such as talking to women online, even for something as innocent as giving health advice. I mean, according to him, after messaging the woman for a while he figured out that she's "nuts." But, why message her at all? He was still getting into the intimate details of her health, and for what? It's not just sleeping with women that bothers me. It's the time and attention given to a woman that he hasn't seen since high school. And, weirdly, she is single now but her last husband happened to be from the same small country on the other side of the world as he is, but they happened to both be commenting under some other guy's post and she decided to direct message him about her unrelated health problem. It's a hell of a coincidence. Just, like, why? 
 

I guess you guys are right, the main issue isn't BM. 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Fri, 05/22/2020 - 10:09am

He likes attention from women, period. He gets some sort of validation from it. That's the root of the cheating and he's probably NOT done with it, because it meets a core need for him.  And please don't take that as your attention isn't good enough, it has zero to do with you.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Fri, 05/22/2020 - 10:11am

Thanks. I drive myself crazy trying to always be available. Deep down i'm afraid that if i let up even for a second, he will go back to getting attention from BM, or the other BM, or online. It's exhausting.