I just don't get it!
So my dc is very lucky to have an amazing step dad, who is basically her real dad now as bio dad is absent.
I'm just venting as I'm annoyed that he has now had another kid, reducing my daughters future savings. Normally, wouldn't mind, but were together 4 years, until he became abusive, I tried to help, got worse had to protect my baby. Took ages to move on too as I truly feared men.
His final reason for not visiting anymore when she was a baby is because I wanted to co-parent without a relationship and unless I got back with him refused to be a father and never wanted kids anyway. I'm just upset because although I've moved forward and made a great life for dc and she has a dad now.
Now if she wants to meet her bio dad in the future now he now has another baby who he seems happy with going by proud of and in my head it will make my daughter feel like she wasn't good enough and was unwanted.
Also no idea why someone would have another child with someone who literally abandoned their baby by choice in the first place
Any advise on making her feel better would be appreciated. Hoping her awesome step dad will be enough to stop the hurt.
Thank you
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**if she wants to meet her
**if she wants to meet her bio dad in the future now, he now has another baby who he seems happy with and going by social media proud of and in my head it will make my daughter feel like she wasn't good enough and was unwanted. I was just going to tell her he wasn't ready to be a dad and never wanted kids :(
PAS much?
PAS much?
How is PAS?
How is PAS?
I allowed daily visitation as his living arrangements were shared at the time. Notified all medical appointments weeks in advanced. Left all lines of communication open, even bf and bottle fed for fairness. Not all bm think about themselves, some of us think about the child's best interests too.
He left, I couldn't force him to be involved, and dp is the raising her because of bd actions not mine.
That's as may be but you don
That's as may be but you don't have to tell her he didn't want her ...
If you want to make her "feel
If you want to make her "feel better", treat her stepdad, the man who stepped up to raise her, just like you would a biological dad. Give him full authority to parent, along with the responsibility. And stop being hung up on what her biodad is doing. If he somehow decides to show back up, do not let that diminish her stepdad's role in the slightest. Make stepdad a part of all communications and decisions involving biodad. It sounds like he has earned that right.
Basically, protect the family
Basically, protect the family she has right now. The family who raises and supports her. Give her that stability.
Thank you, I don't normally
Thank you, I don't normally look and have him blocked but was trying to work out the reason for the drop as it all goes in my daughters savings account.
I do give her Real dad (step dad) full involvement as he is the one raising her. I involve him in education, medical because he is her dad and that's what she calls, and rightly so. I think it just shook me up seeing it, if that makes sense.
If you did ever try to make contact I'll make him go through the courts as I won't let him hurt dc again and always stick up for DH don't worry. He is worth is weight in gold, and knows he is appreciated. We do fathers and everything bar biologically he is her dad.
I'm not sure what you mean by
I'm not sure what you mean by "the reason for the drop".. drop in what? in what he is paying in support? in money that is in her savings account that he controls? I'm not clear... it sounds like he was making some regular payments but has decided to reduce them maybe.
To be clear, if he is the father, he is OBLIGATED to contribute financially for her care. He doesn't have to SEE her her if he refuses.. but he does have to pay to help support her per your legally mandated tables or guidelines.
so.. if he was without a court order just sending money that you put into savings for her.. and now has stopped.. he needs to pay what the court order says... period. If you don't have a court order.. you should probably get one.
I guess there is also the nuclear option of terminating his rights if your husband wants to adopt too.
The child support dropped yes
The child support dropped yes, I didn't really want to do that option and initially only asked for £10 a week to help out while he was involved. He then stopped paying when he left, so had to go to court unfortunately and he pays more now.
He is only paying £10 a week
He is only paying £10 a week now, when he is ordered to pay more. I know there will be drop. But the drop is very significant
If he is court ordered to pay
If he is court ordered to pay more, he can't unilaterally decide to pay less. The rules where you live may take his new obligation into consideration, but if the amount is court ordered, the court, not him, should decide the amount.
You need to report the
You need to report the underpayments.. and the courts should enforce the order that he is failing to meet his obligations.
This is actually a leverage you have over him regarding the parental rights waiving.. if he does that.. his financial obligation would be going away.. along with other rights and obligations of a parent.
But, certainly you should not be accepting less than he was ordered to pay "to be nice".. he no longer is your partner.. you don't have to keep the peace with him... he doesn't have to like you. What he should be doing is meeting his obligation to a child he created.. which should include both visitation to establish a relationship and financial support. but at the very least he should not avoid his full financial obligation.. not your child's fault he went and made another baby.
Well, you can't control what
Well, you can't control what he does, and for all you know, he will take off on this child, too, when the relationship ends.
I wouldn't worry about any of this now, cross that bridge when you come to it.
1. Even though your ex is
1. Even though your ex is not physically present in your daughter's life right now, he should still be paying child support for her. I hope that is the case.
2. It's really not uncommon for men (usually men) to "start a new family" and not do much to maintain relationships with thier kids from a prior relationship. It may be because they don't want the tie to their EX (you).. it may be that their current partner is discouraging it. I mean, we see quite often here the current wife or girlfriend wanting to "have just our family without the skid around". It may come from a place of immaturity as well.. and at some point it has gotten too far in his past for him to want to go back and figure out how to have contact.. he may feel it's too late for that.. or that you would prevent it.
3. Will her stepdad be enough? It's complicated.. he can certainly ensure she is raised in a loving home.. but I don't think that he will be able to completely fix the fact that her bio dad is out of the picture. As she gets older, she is likely to want to know why.. and not just your version of it.. but his.
Have you approached your ex to see if he would be interested in resuming some contact with his daughter? I'm curious if he is not around because he partially doesn't think you would support that?
He literally sent me a text
He literally sent me a text saying he no longer wanted contact as he never wanted kids and he couldn't except I didn't want him back.
I fully willing to co-parent despite the past because it wasn't about us, it was about dc, let him have time alone etc and he only wanted to see her if I was there too
I tried so hard and really thought he never wanted kids, now I know different.
was that text years ago or
was that text years ago or more recent. It sounds like he is an immature jerk... and just because he said that doesn't mean he meant that as literally as you took it. He sounds manipulating and was trying to pressure you into staying with him...
Do you think he would sign
Do you think he would sign over his rights?
Well he was quite controlling
Well he was quite controlling in the past towards the end of the relationship to be fair.
I'm not sure if he would, me and her real dad have discussed it and he is happy to adopt her. However, we are waiting till we feel she about 10 and old enough to know her own mind. He's that good he even thinks about her feelings not just his and people slate step parents
Calling BS on this one: “. .
Calling BS on this one: “. . . the current wife or girlfriend wanting to ‘have just our family without the skid around.’”
I think divorced parents need to own their own actions, both bio-dad and BM. They are both adults. No excuses. No stepparent is putting mind control sprinkle dust on bio-dad’s or BM’s cereal in the morning. If bio-dad doesn’t seem to have a relationship with his children, that is on him. If BM wants to promote her new man as the “new” dad and act like bio-dad is a deadbeat; thereby, alienating her children from their own father (no matter how culpable BM may claim he is), that is on her.
I have to ask, at what point are these divorced parents held accountable for their decisions vs. the step-parent?
Who wants to be a SP when the assumption will be that if bio-dad (or BM) has little to do with their own children, it’s simply due to, “The current wife or girlfriend wanting to ‘have just our family without the skid around.’” How convenient for the bio-parents. And speaking of convenience, SPs too often wind up being the ever-convenient initial family’s scapegoat. BM and bio-dad chose to divorce. They made that decision for them and for their children, regardless of what may or may not have gone on in their marriage prior.
I totally get that divorce sucks and can be a hell, but how does a couple choosing to divorce (and putting their children through that) translate into that I, an innocent party and non-blood relative, am supposed to suck it up and take it, take the high road, not "interfere" to the point of sacrificing my own marriage if need be; and, meanwhile cook, clean, be a free babysitter, bank, taxi, servant, and so on for the initial family and children ALL because this BM and bio-dad chose to divorce!? WHAT THE H-?
I don't know.. I do see posts
I don't know.. I do see posts on here where SP seriously do literally can't wait for the Skids to leave so they can have "their little family".. without the skid around.. or wish they could have it like that.
It may not be all SP that feel that way.. but I have 100% seen that theme on here from several different posters.
The obligation of a Bio parent to ALL their children shouldn't be foisted only onto the SP.. but the SP does have to also allow for the fact that the bio parent has more than one child too.. and it shouldn't be a matter of making one a preference. though sadly that happens.
My statement stands as a fact. there are SP that feel this way that their husband's children from a prior relationship are not welcome additions to their home....
But.. on the flip side of that.. a bio parent shouldn't be assuming their new partner takes on their responsibility towards their children from a prior relationship either.
I think a lot of this stems back to the more traditional home roles of women as caregivers.. many men just assume that stance and feel raising kids is wimins work.
But again, we have definitely seen step parents come here and state that they want to be able to do things with "just their spouse and new baby without the skids around"... usually because the stepkids are more feral since dad is a crappy parent.. but sometimes it's clear they do just want to ice out the "prior" kids... again not all SP are like this.. but some definitely are.
As a bm, I was happy to raise
As a bm, I was happy to raise my daughter alone. However, over time with bd not wanting to be involved by his own choice. DC has naturally seen dp as her Dad. It was never forced it just happened and as he is the one raising her, he is her dad. I wish it could have been different and dc could have had a relationship bd. However, you can't force involvement, plus after offering daily visitation (as ex was in shared house with a pitbull and potheads), notifying all medical appointments weeks in advance and never showing, offering daily facetime and visits to ex's parents and even bf and bottle feeding at the same so things were fair, I really couldn't do anymore. So in my case it is not parental alienation, bd really is a deadbeat. Who is now playing father of the year with his new child without any guilt, despite abandoning his first.
I imagine it is the for sm raising kids with an absent bm, they become the real parents due to actions of bm.
Yep. So? The majority of us
Yep. So? The majority of us reveal those feelings here and only here.
There are most definitely
There are most definitely stepparents that feel that way - but if the bio parent stops seeing his child because the new wife or GF doesn't want his kid around, that's on HIM, not the SM.
Look at your ex like a sperm
Look at your ex like a sperm donor, he gave you an amazing daughter and you were able to find a wonderful father for her. When she gets older IF she wants to get to know him that will be her journey.
It's not your job to make
It's not your job to make your daughter feel better about her father having another child. Let him deal with that if and when it comes up. All you can do is make sure that your daughter knows that you love her so that she has one secure parental relationship.