Is it okay to just... ignore my SS for now?
I'm new to being a stepparent and I really need some advice. I'm 25F with no bio children and my SO is 40M with two boys aged 11 and 14. We've been dating for a year and I've been a part of his kids' lives for about 9 months. I don't mean to be rude, but please save the lecture about the age gap between my SO and I unless there's some helpful advice in it. I'm sure my age does have an affect on the situation with my stepkids.
I moved in with my SO less than 6 months after he left their mom. We realize now that we should have given it more time, because his older son is having a lot of issues that we think have a lot to do with this. For the first 6 months living together, we all got along really well and spent a lot of time playing board games, sports, etc. Apart from some hygiene and discipline issues with the kids, things were ok.
Lately though, his older son has been an absolute nightmare. I hate to say it, but a lot of the time I just can't stand him. I've admitted this to my SO. This boy can't be told no. He throws temper tantrums unfit for a teen, screaming, getting violent and throwing things. It's a little scary because this kid is huge. Whenever things don't go his way, he threatens to run away, and his dad is so scared that he ususally caves. My SO physically blocked the door once and his son started throwing things and screaming. It's hard because I know this boy is developmentally really far behind. He doesn't have any friends and has been getting bullied at school for years because he doesn't understand that the kids he tries to be friends with don't like him. It seems like he takes out this frustration on us and his little brother. He's manipulative with his dad - when he doesn't get his way it's because his dad "doesn't love him" and that makes my SO cave because he feels guilty about leaving their mom. The smallest thing sets him off every time. Asking him to wash his hands when he walks past the sink after using the bathroom will cause a tantrum (he shouldn't need to be told to do this). We literally only ask two things of him - to practice basic hygiene and to rinse his dishes. Even after 9 months, this is a monumental task to get him to do because as soon as you tell him, he goes into this emotional state.
My SO admits that he and his ex were really lazy as parents before, and they didn't really enforce anything, so obviously this is going to be an uphill battle for awhile. But some things need to be enforced now. I can't live in a house where people don't wash their hands. It's weird because his 11 year old brother is doing fine with our rules. But the 14 year old takes everything personally or something. He's been going to therapy for years because of all of his emotional issues, but my SO admits he has no idea if that's helping because he hasn't been very involved in communication with his therapist. This boy has absolutely no coping skills and it's such a nightmare trying to talk to him. My SO takes care of all the discipline, but there have been times here and there when I've had no choice but to say something to this boy and he does NOT want to hear it from me. I understand that he's 14 and emotional and thinks I have no right to tell him what he should and shouldn't do, but asking him to wash his hands is so basic. I can tell that he hates me, and although I've been trying really hard not to show it, I'm sure he can tell that I hate him a lot of the time too.
So my question is... is it okay if I just ignore him for now? I know it's not right, but I don't see how it could be any more toxic than how things are right now. I don't think I have it in me to fake any more affection because he just ignores me anyway. I feel like I don't have very good parenting instincts, and no matter how hard I try it seems that I can't help him or get through to him at all. Would it make me evil if I stopped reaching out to him and going beyond the most basic of interactions until he just... acts better?
Living with you or visiting?
Are they living with you or just visiting? Is the BM still in the picture? Im worried about your safety. This is a big 14yo who is already getting physical. Other experienced folks on Steptalk will have good advice but at the very least, your BF needs to speak with the therapist and find out whats going on. If the boy has been going to therapy for years, perhaps a different therapist is needed. Your BF also needs to look into the schooling. If the boy is developmentally behind, what is the educational plan?
So often on hete, we advise the poster to disengage but things seem more dire in this case. You need to urge your BF to get more engaged with the whole situation. Think hard about your safety. If both parents have been lax, you are right, there is a big uphill battle ahead. Good luck.
The kids live with us half of
The kids live with us half of the time and they're with their BM half the time. We have them every other week. BM has her issues, but apart from being lazy and not enforcing things she's not the worst parent to ever exist. I've suggested to my SO that he should look into a different therapist for his son but he didn't seem very into doing that. BM takes care of that side of things and it's almost impossible to get her on board with anything my SO suggests right now. I can get my SO to communicate more with the current therapist at least. As far as the educational plan... I think they've both kind of given up on their son. He has special programming at his school because of his ADHD and learning disabilities (he goes to one of the better public schools in the area), but I really don't know how involved that is or how much it's helping him. He's so far behind and I don't know if it can be helped because he just won't go beyond the bare minimum required of him in school. He just gives up when things are a little bit too hard for him so it's hard to make progress. He thinks he'll get a basketball scholarship and play in the NBA even though he's not great at that either, so he doesn't feel he needs to try in school. My SO has talks to him about having a "backup plan" over and over again but it doesn't get through to him.
I don't fear for my safety 99.9% of the time, but you're right that I need to take this very seriously. Thank you for your advice
SO and BM need to communicate
It feels like both parents are just letting thus go. Thats sad. I wonder if the boy is acting out like this at BM"s house? I wonder what would happen if he called her and said something like, "Im worried about Son. He's is acting out over here doing x, y, z. Is he doing anything like that at your house?" (she replies yes or no it's because of you). "I wonder if the therapist has any insight into this. Would you mind if I called or would you do that?" (She replies yes or no) " Do you think this therapist is still effective?" ( she replies yes or no). "I'm also concerned because of his development delays. Is there someone at school we could talk to?"
At the very least, this might open communication about the issue.
I think that would be a good
I think that would be a good way to try to approach BM about the therapist and emotional/academic development issues. We asked her before how he was behaving over by her, and she said was acting fine and that it must be something we were doing wrong. But then we heard from mutual friends a few times that she's having the same problems with him, so I know she's not being honest with us. I think that she doesn't want to admit her faults as a parent, especially to my SO. Either way, I think this series of questions would be a good way to try to open up this conversation with her.
Nope.
I've got a beagle to walk.
You really can’t do more then birth parents
So where does this leave you? Yes it's ok to disengage from SS (ignore him). Stop all cooking , cleaning, taking him any place, let DH take over all care, unfortunately brcausd your SO is such a bad parent , along with the ex. It's going to cause other problems in your home and life.
When he gets into drinking, drugs ,not just firs nothing. If he's this far behind in life skills, he maybe with you until he's 50
Nothing wrong with the age
Nothing wrong with the age gap. I'd be more concerned if you wants kids bc your SO isn't a very good parent. If you don't want kids then great!
But your SO still needs to do the bulk of the parenting. I'm more concerned that your SO isn't concerned for you.
What in the world is so
What in the world is so wonderful about this man that you are willing to put up with all of this?
You guys moved way too fast. Either you two were having an affair or you moved in with someone less than 6 months after you met him. He's a lousy parent who can't be bothered to get involved with his son's therapy and only sets limits until he "feels bad" about being an actual father, then he backs off.
I'll tell you why the age gap is significant - you are a young woman in the prime of your life, and don't need to be saddled with a disturbed teenager with two lazy parents. Find a man your age and start your own family.
This will never end. This
This will never end. This kid, even if he does ever launch, will always be a mess that you will have to deal with in this relationship.
Better to ignore your SO... permanently... than to have to deal with this crap for the rest of your life.
Find a man with the intelligence and balls to not have baggage that will forever infest your life.
IMHO of course.
Leave the relationship. Period.
To be honest, I didn't even read your whole post. I read enough to know that all I want to say is get out now. Age difference: been there, done that. Not saying it doesn't ever work or it's the only reason to end a relationship, but I know from experience that an age gap that large typically creates an obstacle. And this is just one of many obstacles to overcome in your situation. You are young enough that the pool of SO's without baggage of this kind is still huge and plentiful. It may seem right now that this person is worth the drama. No way, he's not. And yes, you have many other options at this point. Consider this: if you want to have children, how would you feel about your child being in the presence of this violent teen? I imagine that's a heck no for you. And most likely, he'll be around and continue behaving poorly. That won't change, at least not without a huge battle. So why stay? You are blessed to have found this site early on and blessed to have seen these ill behaviors early on. I don't think you are in so deep you can't get out easily enough now. Cut your losses immediately. Get to the business of mourning. Then go out and find yourself a fabulous child free/divorce free SO you can laugh about stupid cultural references with who only people who were raised at the time you were will get. Do this for yourself! If you are not married or have a child with this man, don't even entertain the idea of staying. Be strong, and good luck!