Feelings as a Stepfather
Is it normal for me to feel sad, alone, depressed in this relationship? I am a stepfather and have been for the last 8 years or so. SS is not a bad kid but at times I feel he is sizing me up when i come into the house. For instance, he says hello "daddy" first when i come in. This makes me feel as though I HAVE to respond and i feel like im been forced to act in a way that is not my character and this feeling trickles into my feeling bad in other areas of my life. Add to the fact that i dont hang out with my friends anymore (havent in years), dont see my family (as i think i should) and just feel stuck. Also, I dont see my family or invite my friends over because I know SS would have to come and that would be uncomfortable for me. It feels like i am betraying my character, family, and friends in a way. Anybody relate?
I know exactly how you feel
I know exactly how you feel although I am not married to my boyfriend nor do we live together. Ever since we began dating he has put me into a step parent role and it has been very lonely for two reasons, 1. Even though I like his kids and care about them they are not my kids and I feel like an outsider most of the time even though Ive spent years bonding with them it still isnt the same as having your own. I feel it is impossible for him to understand this feeling and 2. All of my free time is spent hanging out with him and his kids when I am not working. I no longer see my friends or family because he guilts me by saying I dont want to hang out with him and his kids on my days off. Sure he's always invited to go to my family's with me however he usually doesnt feel like bringing his kids along because they are allergic to certain pets my sister in law has and its quite a drive whereas his kids get impatient in the car as well and tired so its better if I go alone. However I just dont go anymore because if I did we would never see one another on my little time off from work. Also I no longer see my friends because many of them do not have kids and like to go out to bars and restaurants that are not kid friendly or do activites with other adults, not kids, so no my bf and his kids cannot come along obviously. Also a couple of my friends are not huge fans of my relationship because they feel he puts too much on me as a step parent and feel I should find someone without so much baggage (kids and an ex) who would be willing to have a child with me and start fresh. So yes I know the feeling. Its lonely. Its hard. Its not the best situation to be in and I feel you and your pain and yes bio parents just dont get it. Society also has its way of viewing step parents and treating them differenlty than bio parents obviously. Bio parents also do not understand this. Its a very lonely place.
Honestly, I know exactly how
Honestly, I know exactly how you feel. It sucks.
I can very much relate to a
I can very much relate to a lot of what you describe, and I'm a SM to SS17, who I love as in, "Love the person, not their behavior," as stepparenting is awkward, painful, and frustrating.
Welcome to StepTalk, where a LOT of us can both relate with and encourage you. You are not alone in this! None of my good friends can relate, so this online forum is an oasis of sanity where there's a lot of compassion, experience, and support from people who TOTALLY know what I'm going through as a stepparent.
thanks for the response. Yes,
thanks for the response. Yes, I agree. My friends (and family) dont seem to get it. And it this point, I am at the point of appearing rather "spiteful" when i try to explain the situation to others. They seem to view me differently?
Being a step parent is an
Being a step parent is an isolating feeling often to the point of feeling alone and a stranger in your own home. I can completely understand what you are going through.
Thanks for the response. But
Thanks for the response. But I just ask then, why do we do it?
I think the only reason we
I think the only reason we all do it is for our partner. Because we love them.
Marrying a prior relasionship
Marrying a prior relasionship breeder does not necessitate that you give up your friends and family. If you have, that is your crappy decision.
I, and my bride, have insisted from day one that we be a part of my family and hers That is how it should work for a blended family just as it should for an initial family.
Make different decisions and get past this grey cloud you repeately embrace.
My DW and I married the week before SS-28 turned 2yo. My DW was the CP. We dragged SS along on everything we did. He behaved. Period. He had no choice. When he was on SpermLand visitation, we did stuff with friends and family. We just tended to do more adult related activities like going dancing, to concerts, etc.....
Don't make being polite to your Skid a big deal. When you walk in and he says "hello daddy" reply with "Hello son". Engage with your friends and family, whether SS is there or not. If he is there.... he behaves. If he isn't there, great.
Keep it simple.
As it has turned out in our case.... my DW, SS, and I are far closer to my family than to my DW's. Even SS has little to no relationship with the SpermClan. We visit my ILs periodically. However, my DW says that my parents are more her parents than her own parents ever were and that she is closer to my parents. My mom and dad are my SS's GPs. Period.
My ILs are fine people. However, they are an endless source of behavioral drama, financial stress, and an emotional drain on my wife. She has none of that stress in her relationship with my family.